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First relationship in decades and he dumped me

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  • August 4, 2015 at 11:32 am #81225
    Amy
    Participant

    For nearly fifteen years I have had extreme anxiety around the opposite sex but in recent years I’ve made enough progress to go on a few dates but wasn’t excited about anyone I went out with. Just a month ago I met someone that swept me off my feet, he told me I was adorable and he held my hand and we saw each other often. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to relax completely with him and was often awkward and stilted in conversation. Finally, two weeks ago I explained my problem so he might have a better understanding of my behavior and he was supportive. We spent the entire day together on Saturday and as usual I was a bit awkward and sometimes quiet but overall I thought he had fun. The next day I texted him a thank you for a wonderful time and didn’t hear back like I normally do. Many hours later I texted him asking if everything was okay but again got no answer. He called me at work the next morning and said he didn’t want to see me anymore, that we had differing viewpoints on too many things and it wasn’t going to work. It’s true we had differing viewpoints on issues such as politics, animal rights but I didn’t think it was a deal breaker, I’m sure it was just an excuse actually. But I am utterly and completed devastated that I lost him. He had some red flags – cheated on 1st wife, bad temper, intolerance of others – and I know I should be grateful he ended it but I’m just beside myself. He held my hand in public and he kissed me and told me he thought we might progress in the relationship and I was in complete heaven. I am so afraid I will never find that again, really scared. I cry and cry, have knots in my stomach and can’t eat. I can’t get past it and I continually run things through my head trying to figure out what I could have done differently. If anyone can give me advice to help me be at peace with this I would so appreciate it.

    August 4, 2015 at 6:25 pm #81241
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amy:

    When he held your hand and kissed you and told you that you are adorable you felt loveable. You are loveable right now, right this moment as you read this comment. I know it because this is the reason you felt loveable with him, because you are. He only brought this feeling in you out from where it is hiding, so you FELT it.

    You may not have a second date with him but you can feel lovable again.

    Here is a possibility for the reason why he didn’t answer and called it off, only a possibility: MAYBE he is a player, that is was interested only in having fun with you, sex and nothing else. But when you shared your deepest feelings with him, your vulnerability, sharing your weakness with him as if he mattered, as if you trusted him, he felt guilty for his plans and figured you are too.. pure for him to proceed. And maybe he felt he doesn’t deserve you, that he will hurt you because he views himself as damaged and damaging.

    I like it that you shared with him what you did. It can get a decent man feel closer to you, finding you lovable. And it can turn a less than honorable man away from you in shame.

    anita

    August 6, 2015 at 4:27 am #81318
    Ann Marie
    Participant

    Hey Amy,

    I know it hurts and it really sucks. However, I agree with Anita. You felt good because you felt lovable and you are lovable now. You have to find that truth within yourself.

    Also, when we feel unlovable we are more likely to put up with things that don’t feel good to us such as these red flags. I’m not sure if once a cheater always a cheater is true in every case, but i do know the other 2 red flags- intolerance of others and temper- are deal breakers for me. Ask yourself honestly, were these red flags things that you wanted, or were they things you thought you’d have to put up with because you feel he was the only one interested in you?

    You are loveable and you do have more choices than you think. And you don’t have to settle for poor behavior because you think it’s the best you can get. Be choosy and most of all choose to love yourself.

    Btw, dating is about getting to know people and deciding if they work well for you. It does suck that it didn’t work out- honestly it seems he wasn’t really what you wanted, nor were you what he wanted, but that is no reflection on you. That is the dating process working well. Not allowing you to spend too much time on someone who wasn’t right for you. Someone will come along and you will get nothing but green flags. I know it’s hard to believe that but keep working on loving yourself and putting yourself out there and it will work out eventually.

    Ann

    *I made some assumptions from what I sensed so feel free to take anything that feels right to you and discard the rest!

    August 6, 2015 at 5:49 am #81320
    Lucie
    Participant

    Dear Amy,

    I understand your pain. But whatever happens; happens for the best. Believe me you gonna have someone who would love you for who you are. Let yourself heal don’t worry for someone who do cares a damn. Maybe he found you too good for him or maybe he thought you were easy going girl. Instead of thinking about something which has already ended, focus on building your great life. Don’t weaken yourself babes. So many opportunities awaiting you ahead. Why worry? Work on your fears and make yourself stronger and bolder so that if ever he crosses your way, he gonna realise what a Gem he lost!

    Chill babes. Feel young, beautiful, make your weaknesses your Strengths this is the only way out to conquer the world. I know you’ll do it. N keep smiling. You look awesome! 🙂

    Muuuahhhh :-*

    Hugs & Kisses

    Lucie

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