Believe it or not, the almost exact thing happen or is happening to me. I am 68 though and she is 64 and a widow. Nevertheless, she also said she loves me and I am a great guy but….. I don’t really know what the but is and neither does she. I so want her in my life but I know I can’t make it work as much as I hope. My family says she has issues that prevent her from commuting further-maybe she still loves her dead husband, I don’t know. It is now about 1 month since she departed in a therapists office where she made this decision for the most part. I know from reading everything that the worst thing I can do is call or write as much as I want to. Everyone tells me not to as well, so I haven’t but the pain just stays with me all the time.
So I can sympathize or empathize with you 100%. Let’s keep in touch and keep each other posted.
Fred

Sean,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and admire your strength in approaching this with detachment and curiosity. Sometimes when we remain well rooted (such as knowing you can be happy alone, strong love for your children and others, sense of purpose) we can approach a situation with detachment and look for a path of mutual growth and desire. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that its not surprising that she might become panicked and run. She has a lot of fun on her path, and with the house, husband, kids… her fear of responsibility may be overwhelming her. Sometimes, when we have a big task list, we forget that the tasks are fun, and see it as a million things that need tending (preventing us from what we really want). Sometimes we need help seeing that the “list” is actually a series of fun adventures. For instance, cooking dinner with the kids is fun. Remodelling is a path of creativity to build your safe space, your home. Its not just a list of responsibilities, its fun.

So, what to do? Consider the possibilities, and trust your heart to aim. Perhaps her interest in the intimacy has been eroding for awhile, and she was either trying too hard or being disingenuous to hide. If you think you two are genuinely compatible, you could move back to flirting… reminding her that you’re a man in love with her, find her beautiful, fun to play with, and so on (in actions). If it was just a startle response, her heart may rekindle as she is reminded how you two dance together. Said differently, if she has some assurance that the move is additive to her joy, not “shackling” it, perhaps her fear will pass.

That being said, if she is still in love with you, and is simply scared and avoiding, then approach her with space. Give her time, but let her know you would love to talk to her whenever she’s ready. When you do talk, perhaps you could just offer her compassion, letting her know her running (emotionally and her hobby) doesn’t scare you or decrease your love and respect for her. Of course it would be a lot of change all at once… but what does she really want? The approach here, in my opinion, will be to have a steadfast direction you desire (being with her) but a lot of flexibility in what actually happens. As in “I know what I want, but more than getting what I want, I want you to have your dreams come true. If I get to be a part of that, awesome.”

Finally, don’t be afraid to say what comes to heart. You love her and find her beautiful. Don’t be afraid to let her be a muse, and sing to her in your own way. If your hearts are connected, following your heartsong will give you both the best chance of finding home, wherever that might be.

With warmth,
Matt

Matt, that is so well said.
fred

Sean, distance kills a lot of things, but nothing kills love , only if its true.
I want you to get onto your feet again and re live.

In the end – She wasnt worth it!

Cheers,
Div

I agree, she wasn’t!

Now, at last, she can breathe smoothly, calmly, perhaps someone else is worth it, finally, hypothetically, what a relief.

Hi, I am in a very similar situation.

My bf of 15 months (we are both divorced 40 & 44). It was also an amazing relationship. We never talked about the future we were just happy and totally in love with one another – not able to get enough…you know the drill.

Then at 15 months I brought up living together and he fell apart on me. So much so I was so hurt by his response of “not being ready” that I broke up with him. He begged me just a week later and 2 days later he broke up with me bc he could not “see ever” having to do the “family thing” again.

He had a very tough marriage for 18 years with a very demanding woman..that is his excuse.

3.5 weeks later I contacted him and he was falling apart he missed me so much. So we got back together at my urging to try again. And here we are – 13 days into our “second try” and there is a very obvious distance and pain between us. He hardly calls me (I have nothing to say right now anyways). I think we are both “processing”…

I am only giving him this opportunity because he is an honest and good man – and has shown me nothing different. But I am backing up as much as I can. I am going to go on living my life and if he decides to start contacting me more often I will see how I feel at that point.

I know who I am and what I have to offer. I beat up myself tremendously over this thinking “why the hell did I have to say anything about living together and wanting to be a family” – but I am done with that…

I thought its what normal people did in a relationship that is going great, they talk about the future.

He is not ready because he doesn’t want responsibility of a life partner, or responsibility of a child (I have a 6 year old boy). He has a 13 and 16 year old girl, and just like he said, he is almost done with his parenting gig.

This experience has made me grown spiritually more than I could have ever imagined. Taking it day by day – feeling that although my BF is right down the street (he is my neighbor practically) .

But I am loving to live in uncertainty. I have cried for the last 10 weeks. I am finally starting to get over this…every day is a little bit better.
Daily meditation and reading about Buddha and the noble truths have really helped me.

Hang in there. Life is uncertain. And full of surprises.

Sean,

Consider that sometimes “giving them space” means “being content and patient with the mystery”. It makes sense that you’d want to know why, but if she’s struggling (conflicted internally) asking her to self reflect in that way might increase her feeling of pressure. Instead, consider figuring it out yourself as you stay on her side. Said differently, perhaps if you simply ask how her heart has been weathering things, how she is doing, and is she OK, listening to her responses will give you what you need to understand (or perhaps to know what to do next).

In contrast to some of the “find someone who isn’t playing games” or “she’s not worth it” perspectives, I usually think its worth it. If we have the strength and stability, of course… but you do (or seem to). With a little patience, it should become clear whether she’s like an ostridge, sticking her head in the sand trying to avoid it all, or like a butterfly, fearful her wings will break. The cool part is that by cultivating patience and space for her side, even if it doesn’t work out, the grief will be simpler (and as you find someone new, you’ll naturally carry that space with you which helps intimacy grow). This makes being patient with the mystery a win-win. Said differently, they’re always worth it, the question is only whether both hearts are invested, compatible, and feel safe enough to stay open.

With warmth,
Matt