Dear greenshade:

You had a flashback about being in the car with your grandfather in the backseat, unconscious, in his brown sweater with bits of food on it. You felt strong fear and helplessness, and when he died, you thought: why did he leave me, if he loved me, he wouldn’t have died.

Like you said to yourself, indeed his sickness was not in his control, he didn’t choose to get sick and die. It just happened, as it does to every human being. No one beats mortality because of loving someone, or because of any reason.

It is scary, isn’t it, to think of death, death of those who were there and are no more, and our own future death. It is interesting that something we fear so intensely, happens to every single person. Heaven and reincarnation were invented to soothe this fear.

When I feel this fear, I think of how universal death is, I take it in, that no one comes of this life alive, as the saying goes. I mean, it does happen to every single person. When you think of your grandfather having died, and it feels so tragic, think of your own death, the death of the person typing these very words you are now reading, the death of all of us: we are all in the same boat.

* I thought it is interesting that exactly four years ago, Aug 14, 2016, you posted the following:  “recently reentering the work force at a temporary workplace. this place is triggering a lot of anxiety for me. People are generally perfectionistic here, and everything is a competition. I am trying to leave behind the over critical, perfectionistic voice in my head”- I wonder how your current work situation is, and what is the current status on that over critical, perfectionistic voice in your head (?)

anita

Dear M

Thank you, I hope you are safe too.

I understand how that feels. I truly do. I know it is so difficult to feel all these overwhelming emotions.

“It is scary, isn’t it, to think of death, death of those who were there and are no more, and our own future death. It is interesting that something we fear so intensely, happens to every single person. Heaven and reincarnation were invented to soothe this fear.” anita has beautifully written this. Thank you.

As a kid, when somebody passes away, you don’t understand the intensity of it because you don’t know how to feel or how to express your thoughts. When we grow up, we develop more understanding of our thoughts and emotions, and also self expression. A lot of things from our childhood remain unresolved, and need love, care and compassion, tending to, when they open up in you adulthood, in different forms.

Our dreams replay so many subconscious thoughts going inside our head.

It is wonderful that you tried to soothe your inner child.

At the same time, it is okay to feel all these things.

You loved him immensely. And you miss him. It’s okay to feel this pain for someone who was an important part of your childhood- and it’s important to grieve for them.

Grief is complicated. It comes in waves. As Rose of Yellow rightly said, it would be good to talk to a professional about it.

We are here for you, if you need to talk.