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Forgiving a Parent for being "too flawed"?

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  • August 28, 2016 at 11:37 pm #113577
    Jade
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I am new here. Nice to meet you all!

    My father, the source of the home’s arguments and dismay, I would think, can be described as “too flawed”. This tears my heart that he is unaware of all the suffering he has caused for the family and is totally unaware it’s his fault. It would always be the family’s fault and NEVER his and unfortunately as time goes on, I question if he truly loves us and acknowledges us as his “family”, meaning that we are people who should be the most important and most loved his life… but perhaps, this is just me setting expectations too high. He say things without thinking and it hurts so so deeply but yet he doesn’t care or think it’s his fault. It’s always someone else’s fault.

    Some examples:

    “Dad, it’s my high school graduation today. Can you come?”
    “No, I’m sleepy.”

    “It’s prom tonight, can you take pictures of me after I dress up?”
    “what for?”

    “Did you mail my package for me?”
    “Yeah, I already mailed it. It cost 2.50. Give it back.”

    “Our dog of more than 12 years (more than half my lifetime) passed away.”
    “Who cares? it’s just an animal.”

    “Dad, can you not leave the door open next time? It gets cold”
    “Stop bossing me around, i’ll do whatever the hell I want.”

    These short, simple phrases he spoke leaves me speechless to how anyone can say them so emotionless. And the thing is…. he think these things are OK to say and nothing is wrong! When we get upset, he doesn’t understand and think it’s our fault for being too emotional. This is just who he is on a daily basis.
    Am I being too selfish to expect better from a parent? Are my expectations too high and I should lower them?

    But…. this is who he is. No matter how much I want him to change, this is the person he is. Despite this, he does have his good side but it’s just very rare to see. Or rather, he is kind and helpful to others outside the family…. and that’s it.

    And… lately, the arguments have escalated so high, it’s so emotionally chaotic. I have no more strength. I have no more tears. The rest of my family is suffering and crying and I feel so guilty, weak, and useless for not being able to help in any way.

    I’m sorry for the rant… but would it be okay to ask to tell me everything would be okay?

    Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

    August 29, 2016 at 11:01 am #113624
    Taryn
    Participant

    Wow it sound like a issue that is very common with family whether biological or by marriage. When disagreements with family occur it is difficult to stay objective and not get a meshed in drama that escalated quickly or destructive cycles that just make you more frustrated and upset. Poor boundaries and disrespect can be hard to resolve and when gossiping or I’ll intending outsiders get involved the situation can quickly become a dispute that can deteriorate strong relationships or worsen relationships that weren’t healthy to begin creating animosity that never resolves. To save yourself some sanity I would first create boundaries to stick to no matter if the person finds them insulting or irrational. I would then remind myself that you have to try to let go control and expectations on how they should be have ” you can’t change them, their words or action but you can Change your reaction by trying to keep your cool” finally if you have already tried a sit down to discuss how you feel only to be rebuffed you might think about retreating for a while until you feel differently or you can Stretegize new tactics for positive interaction. It’s ok to establish boundaries its probably not ok to attack the person or engage in toxic interaction or visit if you know that it won’t end positively.keep in mind your family member has flaws that are more about them than you it is not your fault and it’s not your job to fix them or people please if their is no pleasing them. People pleasing is often ineffective and exhausting not to mention reenforces powerlessness and resentment if the person is not gracious. Finally picking your battles,not keeping score can save you a lot of grief as well as empathy in some situations can at least help you try to understand where the persons coming from and remind you the person is a person and is human that might make mistakes and not have all the answers themselves. At best if you don’t get resolution forgive and either move on or try to slowly build up your relationship trust and dynamic without grudges or past resentments.who knows they may surprise you , you may even get an apology

    August 29, 2016 at 11:30 am #113628
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jade:

    You asked: “Am I being too selfish to expect better from a parent”

    My answer: no, you are not.

    You asked: “Are my expectations too high and I should lower them?”

    My answer: Your expectations from your father should fit who he is, at this point. Expect him to continue to help strangers while showing blatant disregard to his family members (to you, in your examples).

    You asked: “would it be okay to ask to tell me everything would be okay?”

    My answer: you will be okay when you leave your father’s home, live independently of him, keeping minimal to no contact with him. You will be okay if you completely abandon any hope that your father will change, that there is something you can do to make him loving. You will be okay when you develop healthy, loving relationships with other people, especially a future partner in life.

    You will be okay when you heal from the damage your father caused you; when you figure you can’t rescue the rest of your family members, that you can be helpful in some ways, if they reach out to you or are open to your suggestions. But can’t rescue them. You can, on the other hand, rescue yourself.

    anita

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