Dear Littlerd:

In reality there are things we are helpless about, things we cannot change: national and international political and economic conditions, the weather, natural disasters.. who we are born to, what other people choose to do.

In reality, there are things we can change: how we spend some of the money we earn, who we choose to marry… to open the windows and let some cool air in, or not. And much more.

What you describe is “learned helplessness”- that is, you experience helplessness regarding things you CAN change, in situations you do have the potential power to change.

Learned helplessness happens in other animals who are capable of learning, not only in humans: when an animal or a person experiences adverse (harmful, unpleasant, distressing) circumstances, especially at a young age, and all of one’s efforts to change those circumstances fail, and this happens repeatedly, the animal/ person learns that they are incapable of changing adverse circumstances. Having learned that, the animal/ person no longer tries to change adverse circumstances, based on the strong belief that he/she will fail, and so, what would be the point of trying.

Often the adverse circumstances seem easy to fix, to a person from the outside looking in, but to the person suffering learned helplessness, it feels impossible to change.

When your parents gave away your toys, that was very distressing to you (adverse circumstance/situation). So, you tried to change that situation: you cried and otherwise expressed your distress, but failed (your parents kept giving away your toys). Then you hid your toys and failed again. You concluded: there is nothing I an do.

When you experience this helplessness, you accept the concept that you have to endure the distressing circumstance. To endure it, you “freeze”- as animals do when facing danger they cannot escape, experiencing minimal energy, just enough to survive with least awareness to the distress, as tired and spaced out as possible.

You asked: “how do I proceed?”-

1. Make the distinction between circumstances you cannot change and situations you can change.

2. In the situations you can change, take one step at a time changing it. You will build, over time, confidence in your ability to change adverse circumstances if you take the action. It will have to be taking the action even though you are discouraged, even though you don’t believe you can succeed, and even though you feel very tired, inattentive and “frozen”.

* Regarding the Law of Attraction and your situation:

you wrote: “I want a dress it would be available all the time, but once I go to buy, it will go out of stock.”-

the dress out of stock when you attempt to buy it, is not a result of a law of attraction. It is only your focus on your failure to get what you want that causes you to perceive this occurrence as somewhat intentional, as if “The Universe” has caused this to happen to you personally because of your thoughts. Dresses go out of stock regardless of anyone’s expectations, thoughts and feelings (other than the actual business people making and re-stocking these dresses).

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear littlered:

I am glad you found my last post to you useful.

You wrote in your last post that a very strong core belief you have is that  “bad things happen to me… that out of this only harm will come to me…I always expect bad news or bad stuff to happen to me.”

You asked: “Any idea why?” Yes, I have an idea why: it is, I believe, the combination of three things that happened in your childhood:

1. Bad things did happen to you.

2. No one helped you when those things happened.

3. When you tried to help yourself, you were scolded and silenced.

As a result of these three things, you “had to suffer in silence praying and begging god to make this go away…Childhood was one horrible time with my mostly crying in silence watching others ruin my life and my caretakers not do anything.”

Bad things happening, no one helping/ protecting/ rescuing you and, on top of it, silencing your protests and your efforts to change the situation led, naturally, to your core belief that this is how it is and will continue to be. This core belief is a result of neuropathways being formed in your childhood (those Formative Years) based on your experiences then.

You asked: “And how can I change this?”-

There is only one way to change this core belief, and that is to form new experiences (and corresponding new neuropathways). We learn from our actual experience in life: nothing convinces us of anything meaningful unless we experience it.

Regarding # 1 above: bad things happening- some bad things will continue to happen, as they do to everyone (only with your core belief, anything unfavorable as a dress not in stock, seems worse than it is). You can’t change unfavorable or bad things happening.

Regarding #2: we do need other people’s help. You asked for help  on this thread, this is a good thing. Ask others for help, when it is in their power and ability to help and when you do need their help.

Regarding #3: helping yourself- this is the big item for you to practice. There is no opportunity that is too small to be used for this practice. For example, you are in your apartment and it is too warm inside. Help yourself: open a window. Another example: your shoes feel uncomfortable. Help yourself and change shoes. One more example: you are in the company of a person who is covertly hostile to you. Help yourself: remove yourself from the presence of that person.

Every time you practice not being silent, not being passive, you gain the necessary experience you need to help yourself, to initiate acts that will benefit you and protect you from harm and you build confidence that you are able to do these things. Use every opportunity and it will become a habit, over time.

You wrote: “I always want to do something and fix my life so I am not a passive person. I am willing to do everything in my power to heal myself and my life. I want to know how.”-

Practice.

You wrote: “Most of the times my feeling during these kind of experience is that a tight elastic band is inside my head which is preventing me from expanding or feeling good… I can feel that band inside my head I don’t know what it is. I have migraine also…”

As you practice, during a time of practicing this new behavior, you will feel that “tight elastic band”, unfortunately. I wish it wasn’t so, but I don’t make the rules. This is why most healing and changing mental/ behavioral habits are so very difficult: it doesn’t feel good!

Over time, you will feel good, and at times during the initial practice you will feel good, but often and for a long time, you will not feel good. A thinking-trap is: I will change my mental/behavioral habit AFTER I feel good. No, you have to change it while you are not feeling good, while that tight elastic band is in your way.

I have an idea what this tight-elastic-band may be, but enough for this post.

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear Littlered:

You are very welcome. Ruminate, apply and post anytime. I am here.

As far as the tight elastic band (“a tight elastic band is inside my head… I can feel that band inside my head I don’t know what it is. I have migraine also because of this…I get it very intensely at times. It is almost tangible…and then it disappears?”)-

I think it is intense anger. I do not underestimate the anger of a little girl watching her toys being given away.

I do not underestimate the anger of a little girl in distress, and then on top of her distress being ignored, not being validated and not attended to, on top of that, being scolded for trying to help yourself, your little power taken away until you have nothing left, and you stand there suffering, helpless.

That anger is tangible, I believe. It causes some physiological/ chemical processes in your brain and body, such as, maybe, blood vessels constricting and less oxygen reaching parts of the brain, leading to migraines.

anita

Dear Littlered:

What a powerful post! I didn’t know you posted this one until a few moments ago. A powerful share. I hope you feel comfortable to post here, on your thread (and/or start a new one) anytime. I will be glad to reply for as long as you find it helpful to you. No time/length limit per thread.

anita