No, the 4th time agreed upon  settlement was to have him get the worth of half the house on 4/28/17. It did not happen. The bank and court notified him on 4/21/17 that the account was no longer active. ( An account that had been her 401K account for dozens of years). It appears to be stalling at it’s finest. So, 4 times he thought it was agreed and signed, and then she filed motions for another idea. In other words, she went back and forth from giving him half the worth and then owning it herself, then stopping that agreement and saying she wants the house sold ( would take months to sell, with commissions, etc) and then backing off of that at the end. She has gone back and forth, the final agreement was signed on Feb 8th, 2017, that he would get a sum from her 401K, he would move out and sign the house over to her with date of payment to the courts and then to him by 4/28/17. No money in the account she had promised to have the bank and court withdraw from, when attempted on 4/21/17. These are the games being played. He had asked for less than 50% of the value of the house, anxious to move on and out, but her vengeance and vindictiveness is stunning. AND she knows nothing of me, she just wants to bury him and wait him out.  We have arranged to see each other once every three months or so, and we are getting older by the minute.

We are all in our 60’s. Not too many chances for happiness left. I feel she just doesn’t want him to move on. She has him tied up, since his resources are all in the jointly owned paid off house. If she aint happy, he damn sure needs to be beaten by her and made to suffer. She hopes he will die from the aggravation and she will have won the battle and all the money is hers. She is a hometown girl, lived in same place for her whole life. Both R-1 and I grew up together in big city and looking forward to a new life with exciting travel, even if just to beaches local and exotic places, as we were both from Miami.  She hates changes and likes life to continue and feel in control Seems to have a deep down unhappiness that was toxic and affected her sons and took it out over the years on R-1. Being as patient and calm as he is, he took some abuse that I dont think most men would,as far as insults, and being quite the unsatisfied person left home, while he traveled as an executive for a large company. She wanted him to stay home and work in the factory ( where he started) and not go further. Seems like she needed the control and unable to see the benefits of him going up through the ranks and fighting his way to the top. When invited numerous times to travel with him, she declined, said he was too big for his britches and she couldn’t leave the sons even though grandparents in  the same town (teenagers- not toddlers at the time). She made sure that she told sons that their father doesn’t like them and doesn’t want to be home with them.

I asked about her upbringing from R-1, as I see that you really focus on childhood and how our personalities are formed, based on parental influence. He indicates she did not have a loving relationship with her father and mother, dry and not warm. Maybe has an inbred hatred towards men?  R-1  married to her for 37  years….and thought nothing was better than what he had. When the meanness and toxic insults really beat him down, he reached out to me 3 years ago, on a whim, that he just wanted to know I was OK and happy in my life. He always carried a torch for me, all these years and wanted to know that he didn’t “ruin” my life from 40 years ago, since he was considered to “ruin” everyone around him  in this relationship and was the whipping boy for any of their problems all these years. you know the long story…..

It appears that no one seems to be accountable for themselves in that family, and R-1 is a convenient whipping boy. So anxious to leave the situation, but all resources tied up in that house and settlement needs to happen. Found out he wasn’t officially divorced as per the paperwork he signed, as it appears that the divorce is not final til the finances done. She has him over a barrel and she knows it.

We speak daily and just converse and keep each other in our daily activities, so we can feel we have something good. I have offered assistance and am very relieved that he has refused, as he will not ask me to take care of him and his troubles. He does want to move on, take care of me in his enchanted and loving way, and cut all ties with this toxic situation and move on with me. You speak of patience – it has been 3 years. Maybe a judge may see through this game-playing, charge her with contempt of court and threaten jail time if she doesnt comply with the court-ordered agreement, as settled. She usually comes into court with 2-3 friends of hers, who then attack R-1  verbally in the hallway before and after the hearings. I only thought this hateful behavior  was the stuff of novels, but it is real life. I am surrendering and letting go of my expectations, so that is why I feel I am in neutral and not going forward. Life lessons………..and I remain in my shallow life here, as waiting to see what happens.

Yes, I do believe as couples grow and mature, they can grow apart, if they are not both on the same page. The expectations change and resentment grows. In their case, he, the small-town factory worker at the beginning, served her needs well. Once he was able to grow and promote himself in the manufacturing business he was in, and finally use the degree he had, it did not serve her needs. Animosity grew,  even as he took her to Tahiti and every Caribbean island out there at least 3 x a year for years, to try and please her the way he only knew how. A disastrous financial bankruptcy in 2008 and  she had him by the short hairs, as it were. He dumped every last dime he had, to save the house, the family ( both sons lost their jobs, and he took his savings to help them save their houses and cars), but it was never enough. So, finally after exhausting everything, he could only go thru bankruptcy, saved their house, and both single sons lost their houses and moved in over 8 years ago and havent left. She has left the home over 3 years ago, but continues to pull the strings at her leisure.

In my case, there was not so much of  that drama, but I always  made to feel belittled and inferior, even though it was my career and my working that saved us during my husband’s bankruptcy..  R-1 opened my eyes very gently to the reality of me being used and then no gratitude on this side either. Just jabs to put me in my place about my looks, my job, my parenting, etc.  Just take and take, and keep me feeling “less than” and thinking whatever I did, wasnt enough.

2 peas in a pod….the best thing is that we both do not have small children that would be affected. We are both older, and our adult sons of us may not like us, but too bad, once we take flight from this.  If we should ultimately not ever be able to get together (one of us dies or gets seriously sick), we have each other in our hearts, and know we were loved unconditionally and adored without  question by each other.