Hi Tiny Buda community.

I’m twenty six years old and I have a wonderful supportive family, I’m passionate about my job and have a great mentor in my boss. I’m in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years. My life isn’t perfect but I’m very lucky to be surrounded by people who support and love me.

What I am missing in my life is female friendship. That pajama wearing wine drinking no judgment cry-laughing silly kind.

The majority of people in my life are men. I have two great brothers. Growing up I became comfortable in their easy going energy, they always said what they meant, no games, point blank honesty.

Primary school is the first real memory I have of girls. The catty “you can’t come to my birthday party” kind anyway. It was confusing. The behind the back talking and competitive attention grabbing. I developed an anxiety eye twitch. That didn’t help the situation.

By the time high school came around I was very cautious of girls. My retreat was reading. I hid in the library at lunch time and read Virginia Andrews and Ray Bradbury.

Some of the girls in my year noticed that I was quiet and unsure of myself and I became a target. I remember one girl in particular used to call out to me when I was walking in the play ground “where are all your friends Amy” and then her group would laugh and taunt me because I was often alone.

I was bullied quiet badly but slowly l learned to stick up for myself and eventually most of them left me alone.

High school was tough but I made a group of similar miss-fit friends and some good memories too.

Still I tended to gravitate towards the familiar comfort of easygoing honest male friendship. My best high school friend Max* lived around the corner and gave me a ride to school most days.I would sit with my male friends in class and joke with them at lunch. Some of the girls in my year noticed and I was slut shamed for it. Even though I was about the farthest thing from a “slut”. It makes me laugh now. I was so shy about all that stuff.

Life goes on. My time at school eventually ended and I did some study, moved out, fell in love had my heart broken a few times, got my first real job, learnt what loss feels like, and how to put oil in my car e.c.t.

I now have a group of girlfriends I occasionally meet up with on the weekends. We tend to go out once a month or so for dinner and drinks, some times to a club for a dance. Like each others pictures on social media and occasionally txt.

Somehow I always find myself wishing I was at home when we go out. And afterward I am left with a feeling of emptiness. It’s like a sadness hangover that takes me a week to shake.

I can’t seem to let my guard down enough to make a real connection with these girls (who are all nice enough).

It just seems to me that conversation always swings between a mixture of grabbing for the conversational spot light. Talking about themselves (not in a deep or honest way) more of a “look everyone I’m doing so well at life kind of way”. Self righteous gossiping about acquaintances or friends that aren’t present. Or talk of boys or a most recent sexual tryst.

The worst thing is when I am with this group I become a chameleon. Suddenly gossipy and shallow. And then I go home and I’m disgusted with myself and disheartened that this is just what having female friends is.

The funny thing is I work in an all female industry. Most of my clients are forty and above. Many of these women blow me away with their empathy, wisdom, patience and smarts.

After months of soul searching as to why I feel a nagging empty hole in my life I have realized that what I crave is female friendship. The authentic kind with smart, kind and honest humans.

I don’t know if it’s my tendency towards having male friends. My inability to open up to women my own age due to traumatic schoolyard experiences. If it is just this one clique of girls or if most 20somthings are self absorbed ass holes.

I just can’t seem to find my tribe.

I’m wondering if anyone feels the same way or has any words of advice? I’m feeling very disheartened…

Thank you for reading x