Friend of 14+ years blocks all contact and won't explain why.

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Christy.

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July 31, 2015 at 7:38 am #80919

rorefer
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I am at a loss, and I am not sure if I should confront this person.
I am 32 y/o female and I met my friend back in the day when we both waited tables. We went on to have “real jobs” got married and stayed in contact. August of 2009 she was to come visit me and meet my newborn son about two weeks after his birth. Unfortunately her son died of SIDS the day before. I was there for her as she struggled to bury her 4 1/2 month old son. I helped her with her foundation to raise funds in her son’s name for SIDS research. We have been there for each other, last year I went through a terrible divorce and she and her husband helped me move out. We were so closed that last year my kids and I joined them on their family vacation to the beaches of the coast of NC. Fast forward to this year out of the blue I get an email staying “I have to do what is best for my family, and we decided to only have the X family come with us for a few days and after that we are going to focus on our family, I hope you have enough summer left to find something for you and your kids to do”. This past December we had planned to go on vacation again and even include another family with kids the same age. I responded back that I was disappointed and to find out that I was not even given the option to stay for a few days instead of the whole week (like the other family) and asked if there was something bothering her. I have since then gotten no response from her at all. I have reached out to her on her cell, text, email, and FB asking if she got my messages. I find it rude that she won’t answer and tell me what is going on, why is it so hard to simply say “I have a problem I need space”, or I don’t appreciate blank…… . The last “normal” contact was in June and after that the email to say we were not welcomed on vacation. At first I thought she didn’t get my email but now I have no choice to assume she has a problem with me.

I don’t play games, I simply wonder if I should show up at her house and ask directly if she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. I can’t imagine what could I have done that she decided to cut off ties like this. At this point It is not so much about what I did, it’s more of closure. She is the one with a problem, I am not going to beg. I can move on, I don’t need un-healthy relationships I am just in shock and hurt, mourning the loss of a friend. I have never dealt with something like this.
Thanks

July 31, 2015 at 8:41 am #80928

Anonymous
Guest

Dear wrighrom:

It is possible (only possible, for you to consider, if you will?) that she had already let you know what the problem was. It is possible that the problem was as visible as an elephant in a room and you didn’t and wouldn’t see it. So she figured what is the point of making it visible again- it already has been…

I know of a mother, in her late seventies. Her son, his wife and kids lived in her very big house for a long time. The son and wife stopped talking to her, would stay in the basement even during holidays. And for a few years, even after they moved to the house they were building right next to the mother I am referring to, they didn’t invite her over. Finally they moved away and still no contact (but maybe a call once a year or so). This is my point: she claims that she has no idea WHY. ALl this time, and she has absolutely no idea. In her mind she was nothing but kind. Many, many years later she met with that couple’s daughter, now an adult. That daughter started a conversation about her and her parents’ experience living in the big house, and the mother stopped her, saying to her it was not time to talk about it.

Even if your story is not this extreme, it is likely that there has been information there, during the last vacation, information that would interest you if you looked at it, retroactively. Maybe re-visit your memories of the last time you and your family spent time with her- look courageously and honestly into what happened, what was said, how… ???

If you do and get some idea and then present that idea to her, there may be more communication.

anita

July 31, 2015 at 8:02 pm #80979
Inky
Participant
Hi There,

OK, I was “your friend” who let the friendship die and wouldn’t give “closure”. This is my perspective.

1. It is very possible that she thought you were getting too close to the family. (My friend was obsessed with my family. It was kind of weird.)

2. SOMETHING must have happened last vacation. Did you say something, not say something, do something, not do something? Did you flirt with the husband? (Not saying you did.) Did you monopolize their family time? Leave wet towels on the bathroom floor? Let them pay for everything?

3. Maybe they are having problems you don’t know about. Maybe the husband was the one that wanted family time. Maybe he said “We’re only inviting these other people”. Who knows??

4. PROBABLY she thought that you would be tagging along on all her family’s vacation time. Like, maybe they LEGITIMATELY (sorry) wanted to spend some ALONE time, having an actual VACATION. I know this is harsh but listen to this: My old friend would ask every other month: “SO… What are you doing for Easter/Christmas/Spring Break/Summer/Thanksgiving??” We’d end up having her family over for the holidays OR she would HAPPEN to be in the state we would be at and then call to meet up. It got to the point where DH and I joked about one day telling her, “Oh, we’re in France,” and then get a call from Paris while we were in Hawaii.

The worst episode was when she was all, “SO… What are you doing for Fourth of July?” I said, “We’re going to my Dad’s.” It was kind of obvious she was digging for an invitation. At this point I was trying unsuccessfully to do the Slow Fade in between bouts of our arguments. I somehow got the family to my Dad’s by SNEAKING OUT OF MY OWN HOUSE. Well, she “happens” to go see the fireworks at my dad’s neighbor’s house!! She’s calling from her cell phone: “SO… I’m right next door!!”

5. If she did not respond to your FB, texts, calls and emails, DO NOT go over to her house and have a confrontation! If you do, you will only prove that she in fact made the right decision.

6. I did tell my friend “No, you can’t visit us, I need some space and family only time” once and it was like a bomb went off. The friendship wasn’t the same after I put up that one boundary. Then she was all “confrontational”: “What’s bothering you?” “Um, I need space.” “What is it about me that’s really bothering you?” “Um, no space??”

Are you sure you’re not boundary busting by asking, “Well, this other family got a whole week, I should get a few days!” I mean, we don’t get unlimited vacation time! Let the family be with just each other. Yikes.

7. Way out there, and may not be the reality AT ALL. BUT! Did the husband give the wife the impression that you ever flirted with him? Or did the wife ever pick up the vibe that you liked the husband? Even if this is not the case, based on the email she sent, “Family first” also includes husband/wife time!

Sorry so harsh, but I would leave this family alone.

Speaking from the “Other Side”
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
July 31, 2015 at 8:23 pm #80982
Inky
Participant
Wow, I was really triggered! Sorry so long!! And apologies if none of this pertains to you at all. But if even one of my points makes sense, please consider it.

Oh, one more thing and can’t believe I didn’t think of it first:

Did she ever have any children? Maybe she doesn’t want to be around kids if she doesn’t have her own! Maybe you and your family is triggering HER! Maybe she’s reminded of the SIDs death?
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 1, 2015 at 6:51 am #80994

Christy
Participant

Something similar happened to me a couple of years ago. My best friend just abruptly ceased all contact. I too emailed and messaged her to find out why, and to try and mend the rift if I could, but I got no response. It hurt so much for so long but I finally made the decision to let it go. It’s not easy to do but so freeing. Sending you love and light and positive thoughts!
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