Home→Forums→Relationships→Friend told me he was sexually abused
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Julia.
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November 26, 2016 at 7:02 am #121174
JuliaParticipantHi everyone,
My closest friend (he is 30 years old now) told me recently that when he was 12 years old, he lost his virginity to an 18-year-old female. He has a history of childhood abuse/neglect, and this is just the latest thing he’s told me. He said that he was talking to her one day, telling her that he doesn’t know anything about sex, and she suggested that she “show him the ropes” and she took him “under her wing for a while.” I don’t think that my friend even realizes that this is abuse/statutory rape. He just thinks that the age difference is “weird.” What do I say to this? I feel like I can’t ignore it and pretend it is ok, but I also don’t want to make him ashamed. Anything you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. I can barely eat or sleep thinking about this.
November 26, 2016 at 7:47 am #121177
AnonymousGuestDear juliacml:
Can you share more about your feelings that lowered your appetite and ability to sleep? What about his latest share distresses you to this extent?
anita
November 26, 2016 at 7:51 am #121178JuliaParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your response. I don’t really know why I’m so upset about it. He only just told me last night, and I kind of brushed it off because I didn’t know what to say, and then spent all night thinking about it and what, if anything, I should say. I guess because 12 is so young, and this is just an example of another adult in his early life that I feel violated him. The others were physical/emotional but not sexual.
November 26, 2016 at 8:41 am #121184AnonymousGuestDear juliacml:
My thoughts:
1. Considering the legal aspect of it: different states (in the US) have different Statues of Limitation for the criminal prosecution of statutory rape. As a general rule, the statute of limitations depends on the the age disparity between the alleged victim and the defendant. In California, for example, the Statute of Limitations is three years.
18 years reads to me like the statue of limitation has passed. Although Civil Suits don’t have that time limitation, I think.
2. In a man’s mind, statutory rape or sexual abuse of the kind you described, by social convention, is considered …”getting lucky”- unfortunately. By social convention a young girl of 12 being involved that way with an 18 year old man, that is not … getting lucky.
3. You can express your feelings to him, telling him that you believe she did something definitely wrong, legally wrong (even if it cannot be prosecuted because too much time elapsed) and morally wrong. Let him know that he did nothing wrong and it is okay if he enjoyed it, but that it is still wrong on the part of the 18 year old (The law does not take the victim’s consent or enjoyment into consideration).
anita
November 26, 2016 at 9:46 am #121190JuliaParticipantThank you, Anita! I wasn’t sure exactly what to say or if saying anything is appropriate. I know it is different for men vs. women too, even though it shouldn’t be, in my opinion. I didn’t want to make him ashamed if he wasn’t, but didn’t want to toss it off as if that is 100% normal and ok. Unfortunately, in the world he grew up in, that WAS probably normal.
November 26, 2016 at 9:55 am #121195AnonymousGuestDear juliacml:
Of course, this was wrong, what happened to him and I think it is very important for you to let him know that you believe it was wrong. Some people think it is okay for a boy, don’t let them be the only voices heard by him, let him know your voice… And you are welcome.
anita
November 26, 2016 at 6:45 pm #121228JuliaParticipantThank you again Anita! You are awesome. He wrote about it in an email (we have some random conversations via email). I basically wrote that I am sorry that I have to tell him this but that is statutory rape, and he shouldn’t be ashamed at all and did nothing wrong. I am just concerned because he said that he was terrified at first and she was so much older, and he was still so young. I said that I wish that she had stayed just a friend/mentor and told him about safe sex and told him that it was fine that he was inexperienced at 12 and that he shouldn’t feel compelled to act on anything, especially before he has the chance to explore on his own. And I told him that it is fine if he is ok with what happened, but that it is also fine if he wants to talk about it more and that I am here for him. I hope that was an ok way to address it…
November 26, 2016 at 6:50 pm #121229AnonymousGuestDear juliacml:
You are welcome and you addressed the topic very well with him. I am glad you introduced to him the correct legal term to what he experienced, statutory rape. And that you let him know it is not his fault and that it is okay whatever it is he feels about it. You did well!
anita
November 26, 2016 at 7:24 pm #121231JuliaParticipantThank you so much for your response and all of your help, Anita!!
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