Dear Ashley:

I think it is the right thing for you to choose potential friends, to be selective, to not be friends undiscriminantly.

As to your second question; not two people are always as close: there is always movement away from each other and closer to each other, this is the nature of any closer relationship. None is always as close, unchangeable.

Your “friend” who lashed out at you. DId you share with her that you don’t have friends before the intoxication, and then when intoxicated she used your sharing against you? To point the finger of bla e at you because it was convenient for her?

If so, when a person does that, use your honest sharing against you later, that is clear indication, in my opinion to un-choose that person from the position of potential friend.

anita

Dear Ashley:

I hear it a lot: people don’t mean what they say when they are drunk, or angry. I disagree: I think people say exactly what they mean when carried with emotion or when inhibitions are weakened.

What she said was meant to be hurtful to you, so she is still out of my list (if I was you) of potential friends.

anita

Dear Ashley:

Regarding your getting together with your ex as a friend or otherwise, whether it is a good idea, depends on how he hurt you (and your family)- hurting could be none abusive if he failed to live up to … unreasonable expectations, let’s say, and it can be as serious as…physical abuse. So my answer (if I was you) would depend on the kind or kinds of hurting he did, how often… And if he is likely to hurt you again.

anita

@Ashley

People that get drunk like that and carry on, as you have stated are generally insecure. Because alcohol is meant to make you drop your defense and make you easier to get along with 😉 But, yeah fair enough, if you feel uncomfortable going further with this person, than don’t. It really can’t get better if she was carrying on like that.

In regards to going back to your ex as a friend, Anita makes a great point about ‘how’ hurt you and your family have been by his actions. But i think you also have to really think about where you want to be in 5, 10 years time, do you really want to be dealing with his actions (or inaction/s) in the future. Although you may be still in love with him or at least hold strong feelings for him, was that before everything went hot and cold. If so, then you basically have maintained an ‘ideal’ partner in your head, and hope that you can return to the way things were. there is nothing wrong with this, but it will always be in the back of your mind, what could and should be, rather than what is. Love is a complicated, abstract and slightly annoying word, because it means so much to so many different people. Your idea of love may be different to his, even though you share the same language (I assume) and have been/ are in a relationship. The question you need to ask yourself; could you live without him? Whatever the answer, that should give you an indication of where you want to go. It may not be easy, since you will most likely feel guilt or regret based on whatever action you take. I guess the main thing, is start weighing the pros and cons, try to be as objective as you can be on your current relationship with this person.

As for building close relationships with people. I have noticed that a lot of people ask this question here (i have too in the past) and i think people want to be genuinely accepted and understood by others but are also afraid of these peoples acceptance and understanding. By doing so you are allowing someone into your life, that you have judged to be worthy of your time. We all make judgments like these. Give people a chance. Give people a show of what you can do, if they are not attracted to it then you have to move on and try somewhere else. The space and communities you are a member of may not be seeing ‘you’ but just a name and face. The fact that you are moving gives you a great opportunity to set yourself up again, give people a chance to see your uniqueness.

And if people cannot see who you are, then you have to see yourself as unique and wonderful and that your life has value and meaning. Seek validation within yourself, seek to love yourself and embrace yourself. Be so brave and courageous in yourself that nothing can damage your calm and mindset. Friends and relationships are great fun, they can be supportive etc. etc. But if you can wake up every morning and know who you are inside and out, then you don’t need anyone to tell you who you are, you already know.

I hope some of this helps you, if you have any more to say, please write again 🙂
MAtty