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From wanting to get married to being unsure about the future in a month.

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Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
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  • June 25, 2014 at 11:58 am #59557
    sophie
    Participant

    Hi everyone,
    I have been in nursing school since January of last year. I have been dating this guy, J, since July of 2012, and everything was going wonderfully until after I graduated. He moved to another state with me and in May, asked my parents for permission to ask me to marry him.

    After graduation, we got into a huge fight, probably over something petty, and basically I told him I wanted him out of my life. It was a lot of pent-up feelings that were never addressed at the time, mostly because he’s not really a confrontational guy, but we both had a lot of frustrations and “complaints” that were building up and it finally exploded. One of his biggest complaints about me is the fact that he often doesn’t feel like he can be himself — he’s worried about how I’m going to react to situations.

    Anyway, in response to me kicking him out, he drove about 8 hours away and spent a few days with a friend in Atlantic City, got ridiculously drunk and went to a strip club. I’m willing to forgive and forget about that, because he was angry. The thing that hurts now, though, is that he’s not sure if he can see a future with me because of this entire scenario. He came home, we discussed EVERYTHING that bothers each of us, and since then (~2 weeks ago) our relationship has been, overall, wonderful. He still can’t commit to wanting to do this in the long-term because he’s worried that the changes he’s seeing are temporary… I’m doing my best to try to put things in perspective and have realized that the small, petty things that bother me about him aren’t worth the love I have for him and I have shown and said that in so many ways. He’s also said something to the effect of, “what if we have kids and you get mad and break up with me, leaving me with the kids?” I have already apologized for breaking it off and know that I shouldn’t have done it if I didn’t actually mean it, but what can I even do now?

    I’ve already told him that I think I deserve to be with a person who knows if they want to be with me. I think after almost 2 years, it shouldn’t be a question anymore. He has said that he’s just “recovering” from being crushed by me ending things with him, but how long am I supposed to wait? I just don’t understand how one goes from wanting to marry me to not knowing if he wants to be with me forever. I’ve told him that, despite all of his flaws, I want to be with him, and I feel like I deserve someone who accepts me for who I am. What do I do? Break it off? Move out and tell him to get it together before we speak again? I can’t put myself through this.

    Also, he’s leaving for NY tomorrow for five days for his sister’s graduation, and I was going to go with him. Do I tell him to go on his own and think about things?

    Thanks for any advice.

    June 25, 2014 at 2:52 pm #59568
    Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,
    I am sorry for your pain. Your situation sure sounds troubling. When he moved with you to a different state, was this the first time you’ve lived together? Do you think it’s possible he’s having a hard time adjusting to moving away from his familiar life, plus the growing pains of moving in together (if this is the first time)? It seems odd that he would ask your parents for permission to propose and then within a month of that, he’s showing signs of cold feet. However, maybe the blow of the “break up” really shook him and hurt him more than you might think. How did the proposal come about? Was it something you’ve been discussing together or did he surprise you? Do you think he felt pressured in any way to propose? Sorry for the 20 questions but it’s hard for me to offer any advice without understanding a bit more. Others on the board may have thoughts for you right off the bat.

    If it were me, I would probably give it a bit of time – it sounds like there’s been a lot of change in the past month or so and maybe you just need to allow things to settle. I agree that after two years together, you would likely know if this is a person you want to marry, but if the “break up” was the first time you’ve had a serious disagreement (I’m basing this on the fact you said the two years prior were wonderful) it might take time to heal from that. I think a certain amount of level setting/reconsidering the marriage plans is healthy given the circumstances. Then again, I can empathize with your position that you know what you want and don’t feel like you should have to wait. As for the graduation, I would still plan to attend unless you’re prepared to make a really strong statement to not only him but his family.

    June 30, 2014 at 12:16 am #59917
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey @sophiedaphne, it seems that you both have personalities that conflict on a similar issue yet both of you are not entirely willing to work through these. He appears to be someone who is a lot more sensitive to things that you would count as smaller or even trivial. I’m a highly sensitive guy and I can tell you that people like us take ages to fully deal with things, especially those which would affect something as big as confidence to marry someone. We tend to obsess over details and over-analyse situations, which is not always a good trait given other people like you created those situations almost without really meaning to – a knee-jerk response if you will. Whereas we don’t see it like that and though conversation and apologies have taken place, we still keep distant. You appear to be a little different to this and, just going off what you’ve written, you also appear to be the kind of person who can be very emotive. Many of the women I’ve dated have been like this, able to quickly admit a bad situation and openly come to terms with it. It’s such a good thing to bring to a relationship but at the same time, it makes it harder to work things out when in relationships with people like your guy and me etc.

    I know it seems shocking to go from suddenly marriage to misinterpretations and fights and now not much talk about it but I think this is a healthy thing to have happened for both of you. It will give you the chance to see that marriage, like anything, has many sides, many needs, and is a constantly changing dynamic of two persons working toward one goal. If you can accept that fights and misunderstandings happen as part of a natural marriage, then you have a very real opportunity to work through them and come out at the end much better off for it.

    I hope I haven’t come across presumptuous or self-righteous as I only speak from experience.

    X

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