Hello all, I’m relatively new to this forum and decided to join after reading an article on TinyBuddha entitled “Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From.” The first step was to “make a start.” So here I am, trying to express myself, share my issues, and see if my issues truly make me “broken.”

Here’s my current issue: a lack of self-esteem due to a high amount of self-consciousness. I need to be liberated from others’ judgements and just do what I want. I realized this issue as I entered my freshman year of college. In high school, I was extremely timid and shy around girls. I never told them that I was interested, or physically expressed any desire to move past a friendship. At the time, I thought there was a lack of Asian girls (my type), and that there simply weren’t enough. Now that I’m in college, the abundance of Asian girls is stupidly high. I love it.

But the problem is, I’m too insecure and damaged from a past relationship to make a move. I lack self-esteem, and my lack of sexual experience makes me more self-conscious. With some girls, I just feel like they’re automatically uninterested, or that they don’t see me in that way. I’m pretty sure many girls have hit on me without me knowing it. I’m terrible at reading body language and cues haha. But when I realize that a girl is flirting or interested in me, and I think they’re quite cute, that’s when things go down hill.

When the initial interaction betrays a mutual attraction, I get nervous and anxious. I start panicking, doubting that this girl actually likes me. I actually just completely shut down, and stop flirting because it gets too stressful for me. I feel like one overtly sexual comment might turn her off, and that I might become a social outcast for it. That’s also why I’m afraid of making the first move. I don’t want to be rejected. I hate the fear of rejection, and don’t know if I’m going about it right. I doubt myself often and don’t believe that I’m of an sexual worth to a girl’s eyes. Sometimes, when a girl isn’t flirting back or receptive to my advances (hand holding), I get discouraged and lose confidence. Then, I’ll just start acting childishly, putting up a bad attitude and not being receptive towards anything they do.

I do not know why I act like this. I suspect my mentality and attitude towards women is completely wrong, which were a product of my past sexual relationships and encounters with women. I also have this issue where I cannot clearly communicate my feelings and thoughts towards a girl. Here’s what happens when I see a cute girl in public. I’ll acknowledge her presence and then completely ignore her, trying to look cool and suave. Sometimes, the girl doesn’t even notice me and does her own thing. I try so hard not to look over at her and hopes she realizes that I’m attractive enough to approach me. As I’m typing this, I realize how stupid my technique is. The situation differs when I’m actually in conversation with a girl, which often occurs when she approaches me first. We’ll chat about irrelevant BS, aka small talk. Then I’ll ask about her and her background. But it gets tricky when I close. Even after a good interaction when I know this girl is funny and compatible with me, I do not have the courage to declare my intentions of getting to know her better, in fear that she already has a boyfriend or she is not interested. I’d rather save face and pride rather than face the risk of rejection.

Yes, I analyze and think too much, and I hate it. It’s useless mental work that occupies me for hours. I look back at my history too often in an attempt to analyze my mistakes and successes with girls. All that thinking paralyzes me from making any further action. Also, I hate when the conversation runs dry with a girl. We’ll start off to a good conversation, but when it starts to die, I get insecure and start rambling about some irrelevant topics when I know I should be flirting with her. But I just can’t muster the courage to do that. BUT when I do manage to slip a small comment in, like “you’re pretty cute” or something like that, I then don’t know what to say after that. I don’t find that I am interesting or have anything of value for the girl, even though logically, I know that’s not true.

I’m sorry that this is so long, but I needed to express the way I feel. I’m tired of being lonely and sexually frustrated. I want to feel again. Any suggestions or comments will greatly help me. Thank you.