My whole life has seemed to be surrounded by the abuse and trauma of addicts. I come from a dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was 5 (am now 24), my dad has always been a drug addict and my older brother and older sister soon followed in his footsteps. My mother is a functional alcoholic, so while she has not subjected me to as much emotional pain, she has her moments. Being the only person in a family of 5 who did not have an addiction, it has been very lonely and difficult.

I decided that my life would be different. I grew up with my dad punching holes in the walls, trying to kill himself in front of me, falling asleep at the wheel with me in the car, etc etc on a daily basis. Life was always chaotic and I just wanted peace. As my siblings and I grew up, my brother started taking drugs in his teen years and is now a full on meth addict who is so delusional it is like talking to a wall. He has lost all of his teeth, is as thin as a rail, is 32 and lives with my dad, and probably takes 5 showers a year, if that. When anyone approaches him about getting help, he goes into a full on rage yelling and screaming. I can no longer count how many times the cops have been called in my lifetime. My sister also did drugs in her teen years, and is now addicted to methadone. Both of my siblings are extremely selfish, stubborn, mean-hearted, and completely impossible to deal with. I have a good relationship with my mother since most of her drinking does not affect me directly, and she keeps it well hidden. I have also talked to her about this, and she doesn’t think she has a problem.

When I was 18, I moved out and went to college in order to escape. I was the first in my family to get graduate high school and get a college degree. My life in college was stressful, but very freeing. I found a whole new world full of wonder and interest, and I didn’t involve the chaotic life being surrounded by addicts. Last year, after graduating college, I met my now ex boyfriend. When I first met him, he was everything I was looking for; kind, healthy, anti-drugs and alcohol, liked helping people, etc. I thought I had found someone wonderful. Long story short, after 9 months together, things went downhill for no apparent reason. He started acting secretive, lost his job, and started lying about everything. His life was spiraling out of control and I never understood why. At one point I even thought he was cheating on me but it never made sense since he always said he was so in love with me, and we never had any major issues. After breaking up with him due to the lies, I was contacted by his mother telling me that he is a heroin and meth addict and had relapsed during the time things started going bad. I was in shock. I never had a clue that he was an addict.

So, the point of this post is, why am I constantly surrounded by addicts? What is it that I am doing and how can I stop? I felt like I was judging his character in a healthy way, and I didn’t see any red flags until 9 months in. How do you let go and stop trying to save them? I’m so so tired of trying to save them.

If anyone also has any advice on how to cope with the abuse received from addicts, I would love to read about it. Thank you.