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Getting defensive

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  • September 11, 2013 at 8:39 pm #42089
    splendour
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Just wondering what to do when you’re in a situation where the other person in the friendship/relationship constantly gets defensive?

    I find it incredibly frustrating for several reasons….

    1. When this person brings up anything that’s bothering them, I listen and say sorry and I truly feel I respond in a heartfelt mature manner
    2. On the odd occasion that I do bring up something with this person, I make sure I use a calm, quiet voice. I don’t criticise, I use “I feel….” statements. So why the heck is this person getting sooo defensive all the time??

    One positive thing is – I’ve noticed this person gets defensive with their friends as well (not just with me), so that’s encouraging.

    HOW do I move forward in the relationship if this person continues to get defensive all the time? It’s actually really important to me that we both provide each other a safe secure emotional environment where we both can share if something is bothering us.

    September 12, 2013 at 5:30 am #42102
    Matt
    Participant

    Splendour,

    If you could paint a little more specifically, it may be easier to help. Defensiveness arises when we feel we’re being attacked. For instance there is a difference between saying “I feel confused” vs “I feel you are confusing me”. With sensitive people, it is often not enough to say “I feel”, but to present the difficulty as something inside us, rather inside them. If you’re feeling that you have to walk on eggshells, its possible the person is carrying a wound, and until it heals, the difficulty in listening and hearing others will remain.

    However, it also comes across as you consider the person as the source of the difficulty already. “Why are they defensive?” is a much different question than “how to I communicate more effectively?” See?

    With warmth,
    Matt

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