Dear Sonalika:

Your boyfriend can do an internship living with you, but it is better  for his career and he  will be making  more  money if he works and lives in another city far away from you, did I understand correctly?

Did you and  him discuss a future together- maybe you moving to the city where he  intends to  take that job,  or a future following the two  years of the job  he wants  to take?

I wonder if you can explain how he ignores you when living far away and what is the nature of his relationship with his ex.

anita

Dear Sonalika:

Let’s see if I  understand: an internship while living with you was possible for him and  would have meant  a higher pay in five years. But he already decided to take a job in the city where  he lives  with his family away from you. The plan is that after he takes  this job,  you will be moving to his city and the two of  you will get married.

It has been a long distance relationship and you don’t rust  “whether he loves (you) or not”-how can you have a marriage plan when you don’t trust him yet?

I mean, it is not a good idea to marry a man you don’t trust. Maybe he is trustworthy,  but  if you don’t  know yet that he  is trustworthy, it is not time to commit to a marriage.

Why did the two of you decide not to tell your families that you have a relationship?

anita

Dear Sonalika:

So the plan is that the following has to happen before you move to his city and marry him:

1. You have to  trust him again.

2. He has  to  start and establish a good job in his  city.

Is he still staying with you, currently?

What do you need to trust him again: for him to allow you to check his phone at any time, to give you access to his email, passwords  and such.. for you to communicate with  his ex? Or do you need to live with  him first, before marriage?

anita

Dear Sonalika:

This is a crucial time in regard to the  relationship, crucial because he is currently staying with you. It is best to talk further now and clarify anything  that can get clarified.

If you want help with talking with him so  to get that clarity, maybe  I  can help. I have an idea: what if you let  him type his thoughts  and feelings on following into Word, and then post it here for me to read, (then I will give you my input  and ideas for further face to  face  discussion with him):

1. Your distrust in him recently and  now.

2. Living with  you one year while you check if he is trustworthy or not.

3. What does he like about you; what  does  he not like about you.

anita

Dear Sonalika:

Clearly to me, you should not behave in a dominating way with him. Almost no one likes to be  dominated, and we all are born to be  free, so if you do choose to  live with him and if it does happen, don’t dominate him. It should be an equal power relationship were both parties treat each other  with EAR, standing for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect, both parties communicate peacefully and effectively, as  well as  honestly, no dishonest  manipulations such as, let’s say, crying  so to  make  the other person feel bad,  or so that the  other person will do what you want him to do.

Another comment: it is not a good plan to live with him for a year while  you are checking to see if he is trustworthy, no one likes to  be checked, to  live like a suspect being  monitored and  followed by a police chief looking  for crimes being done. I suppose there are some  exceptional circumstances where  this  might be  a good  plan, maybe living with an alcoholic and seeing  that for a year he really  does  stay away from alcohol altogether.

But you didn’t mention him doing  something wrong other than having communicated with an ex girlfriend for a short time online, no physical meeting, if I understood correctly.

Did I understand correctly, this is the only  wrongdoing he has done that broke your trust?

anita

Dear Sonalika:

No need to apologize, you can come back to your thread any time you want.

You wrote earlier: “He  hid about  talking with his  ex and  other  girls”, and in your recent  post you wrote: “He also hidden another thing from me, where  he  was  talking  daily with a girl.. and  occasionally meeting her also”-

I suppose you mean by the verb hide, that he talked and met  another girl, at least one that  you know about and when you asked him if he did, he lied, then you kept  asking  and eventually he told you that  he did talk and meet her. Did I understand correctly?

When he finally told you that  he  did talk and  meet this one girl, what  did he say was the  nature  of the talk and meeting? It will help me understand better if you tell me what exactly  did he say when finally admitting to the truth about this one woman he talked to and met.

anita