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Getting over a break up: which approach should I follow?

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  • June 9, 2015 at 3:38 pm #77958
    Daniel Vieira
    Participant

    Hi tiny buddhas out there,

    I have been following tiny buddha for the last year and both the articles and the threads from the forum have brought some insight to my life, so, this time I decided to share my story with you expecting you might help me find some peace and hope in this tough times.

    My girlfriend and I were together for the last 6 years but she just broke up with me two weeks ago because she came to the conclusion she did not love me anymore – in fact it did not catch me by surprise because her behaviour for the last year and more precisely for the past 2 months was somehow indicating this ending but I am not going to detail her it once I think is not relevant for this case – and she also told me that she just came to this conclusion after I having had a conversation with her where I told how I was feeling, I mean I was sure she did not love me anymore based on her attitude towards me and simple signs as well, besides that I told her we were not lovers anymore but simple friends who get together every day to the same old same old things without any affective or sexual connection.

    This is not the first time we break up, actually, we have already broken up and get back again a couple of times, but she had never told me that she did not love me as this time, so I pretty sure it is over and rationally speaking I do not want to come back anymore or even try in case she changes her mind in the meanwhile due to all the things that have happened in the past and mostly because I do not want to feel unloved and anxious and mildly depressed due to a relationship, this is not supposed to work this way, looking past our relationship I am pretty sure it was a toxic relationship where I felt down most of the time and the best I could get from our relationship was only that normal feeling, neither happy nor loved, just normal but I kept pushing and trying just because I did not have the strength to get out of it and because I love(d) her and I thought things would change eventually.

    Long story short, I want from the bottom of my heart to get over it and start to feel energetic, alive, happy and confident as I was before, however, I still do love my girlfriend but I do not believe in our relationship and there is no way to get back together because these bad feelings would back again (been there, done that!) and I do not want it – not to say she might have meet someone and just dumped me in this soft way – therefore my doubt is the following:

    (1) Should I try to forget her by replaying all the moments she made feel bad and did not treat me as I treated her.
    (2) Just forgive her and all the bad thing she did to me and let it all go.

    Well, I have been following the (1) approach and even it has been really helping me getting over those moments when I miss her but I feel like I am fighting against myself and I do not feel at the same time any improvement I mean I am not feeling better, this is like a antidepressant, it does really help but just in short-term but after a while the thoughts come again and I have to change again these thoughts to the ones where she was unfair with me, yet, I do know it has not passed much time since we broke up, therefore it is normal these feeling popping up in my head.

    On the other hand, I have been reading some articles here and there and they strongly advise anyone getting through a situation like this to follow (2) approach as it really helps in the long-term and as the time goes by it will help more and more.
    All in all, can you give some insight in which approach should I follow? Any other advice would be really appreciated.

    Kind regards,
    Letitgo.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Daniel Vieira.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Daniel Vieira.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Daniel Vieira.
    June 10, 2015 at 8:31 am #77994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear letitgo:
    Did you decide on #2- which is in your name here?

    My advice is #1 AND #2 and #3
    #3 being this: get insight into WHY you stayed in a relationship in which you felt down most of the time, feeling unloved, anxious and mildly depressed for six years? Is this a replay of a past relationship/ past experience? What is it?

    anita

    June 10, 2015 at 9:01 am #77995
    Daniel Vieira
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    thank you very much for your answer.

    Did you decide on #2- which is in your name here?

    I have not decided yet, I just want to hear from you, right now as I said I believe in the long-term the (2) approach is the best one because during certain time-frames I feel in control no matter what happens in the future…

    #3 being this: get insight into WHY you stayed in a relationship in which you felt down most of the time, feeling unloved, anxious and mildly depressed for six years? Is this a replay of a past relationship/ past experience? What is it?

    Well, I did not feel that way the whole 6 years, just the past 3 but still a lot of time.
    I believe I stayed in this relationship because I was afraid of getting alone and leave my routines and my comfort zone all of a sudden. Speaking of that I think I was also afraid to start over again and to be on my own without that person by my side even though our relationship was far from perfect.

    In conclusion, I lack confidence in myself and as this was my first serious relationship I am struggling to see a better future after this break up.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Daniel Vieira.
    June 10, 2015 at 11:07 am #78002
    Matic
    Participant

    Hi there letitgo! 🙂

    I read your story and your feelings are so similar to mine that I had to register just to post this.

    My story is very similar to yours. I was in a relationship for 4 years (we broke up in February so it has been 4 months) and it was great until it was not great anymore and it became toxic. Long story short, I am much better of alone than in that relationship.

    But it was hard for me to realize this and I developed a ton of strategies of how to cope with anxiety and fear. I will share some at the end of this post so you dont have to read them if you are not interested.

    About the approaches I strongly recomend, you try to understand what went wrong so you can gain some confidence in your future relationships. You will be able to avoid the same mistakes. Also try to trully understand why you chose to stay in a toxic relationship for so long. Last of all try to understand why has your partner behaved the way she did and with that understanding forgive her. She was not trying to be mean or toxic and I am sure she had her own problems. Try to understand that everybody is human and has some issues. 🙂

    About those strategies:
    1. I went for long 10 km walks and later on I joined a gym. The nature of exercise requires for you to be in the now so it will lessen your anxiety a lot and will also make you feel better about yourself. In this way I lost 10 kg and got really taned from the walkes! 🙂 Also on the walks your mind somehow gets really clear and I had a lot of revelations from this.

    2. When my had is in a haze of emotions I just pour them out on some paper. In this way I have to make some sense of them so I can write them down.

    3. Listen to music! Believe me! 🙂

    4. Soround yourself with family and great friends and pour your heart out. You do not have to be alone in this time.

    5. I strongly encourege you to try anything and everything you desire. If you want it, do it.

    6. If you have the money for it, you should try some joga. It is fantastic. 🙂

    I will gladly help you if you have any questions or just want to pour your heart out. Send me a private message and I can give you my mail. 🙂

    Best regards.
    Matic

    June 10, 2015 at 6:13 pm #78029
    Daniel Vieira
    Participant

    Hi matic,

    It has been really tough times but I will get over it but there are some days like today where my mind just trap me, I hope better days will come.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Daniel Vieira.
    June 10, 2015 at 10:29 pm #78057
    Matic
    Participant

    I totaly understand. Times will get much better, but sometimes you will also feel worse. It will not be very often but it will happen, so it is crucial for you to accept that the healing process in long and that you should not be afraid of fear or sadness. Just accept it. 🙂

    June 11, 2015 at 7:55 am #78072
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel Vieira:
    I second Matic on examining the relationship you had for six years and why you stayed in it through the three years it was not good. What is experience for if you don’t learn from it? It might not be the time right now to do this examining as you are struggling with your mind trapping you as you wrote.

    Your original question was: “Should I try to forget her by replaying all the moments she made feel bad and did not treat me as I treated her.2) Just forgive her and all the bad thing she did to me and let it all go.”

    My feel for it is NOT to replay moments with her. When thoughs about her come to mind, don’t dwell on them, if you can. Allow them to enter your mind (you can’t control that) but don’t engage with them. I also think it is not time to fogive her. In other words, this is not the time to either blame her OR forgive her. It is time to relax as much as you can, create space around your emotions (I read this term on this website: make space around your emotions) so that LATER you can think better. It is not time to think much when your emotions are intense. I very much like Matic’s suggestions about how to do that.
    anita

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