Sharron,

I’m sorry for the painful tendrils that abuse has left on your heart and life. It is such a beautiful thing for you to be seeking forgiveness, and it is a good aim. Consider that those moments of abuse were like stones tossed at you by ignorant men, and because the situation is long gone, there’s nothing to do but let the bruise heal.

This is one of the grandest teachings of Jesus, in my opinion. On the cross, stones chucked at him from the people he wished to see connect to god, beauty, wonder… and he was resting on their ignorance, their failings and how it brings them pain. Then, those stones became a method of his breakthrough.

The same is true of us. When we can look at the abusers as ignorant kids doing dumb things, things that hurt themselves as well as us, then we become free. Your stepfather and uncle, for instance, were not healthy people. Healthy people don’t abuse children, people that are happy, joyous, with an open heart, would never tread so selfishly upon your heart. Said differently, their hearts were closed, minds in whoknows what painful places. It sucks for them, especially because they were once victims of some kind of abuse, which is what closed their heart to begin with.

This idea, when taken into our heart, gives us permission to set down the anger. So ensnared, mad, that some older kid kicked sand in our eye, that we storm out of the sandbox. No more! We can set down that anger, breathe with it, comfort it, hold the little girl in our heart, and let that heat evaporate. Then, forgiveness blossoms in our heart, and we can say with authenticity “I hope they find peace”. Our peace, a natural byproduct.

Finally, consider that your bruised self esteem is also normal. You are super strong, I can feel it, but act like you’re weak. You can’t fool me! Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind and heart, you hold delicate pieces that the people around you could really benefit from. Don’t feel obligated to share, but don’t let your fear stop you from sharing, either. Its just fear, and that’s why we have courage!

With warmth,
Matt

Sharron,

Yes, that all makes sense. The lost moments afterward are really the biggest loss. I’m sorry about not having kids, that sucks. Have you considered adoption?

The great news is you’ve found the hidden problem with suffering. It squeezes tight around us, keeping us from being content, peaceful. Sort of like a really tight shoe, agitating, keeping us limping. When we finally sit down and try to take it off, let it go, we have to grieve all that time we’ve been limping. Gentle steps that could have been, but weren’t. What else can we do? We cry it out, but take those shoes off. We can let the anger melt off into loss, that are carried off with our tears. Don’t get lost in the grief, though, take some time to feel the grass under your toes. Beautiful, no? Don’t worry about “dumping” or “whining”, its not like that. Its good to unload and share, that’s how we know we’re not alone, and lovable. Be cautious, but courageous, and I’m sure love will do the rest.

With warmth,
Matt

Greetings Sharron.

I am in my 30s and was horribly abused all throughout my childhod. The trick is living in the present and not dwelling in the past. Stop yourself from dwelling in that dark corner of your mind. Love yourself, be gentle with yourself, have compassion for yourself. Positive affirmations are a HUGE help.

You can forgive your abusers. That is for your benefit so it doesn’t need to be forgiveness granted to their face. My abusers are still alive.

Please feel free to read my personal journey of getting over life long scars caused by childhood abuse.

LONG journey to mindfulness

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by D.