Dear Cherry tree:
I remember I was quite disturbed when my therapist told me to take a walk around the block during my session with him and practice mindfulness during the walk. I thought to myself: I am paying so much money for the session! I can take a walk anytime! None of the mindfulness was to my liking for a long time. I was not ready. And that is okay that you are not. You only need to do what works for you at the moment. You don’t have to do anything just because others think it is the way and the solution. I don’t- I think the solution, your solution is an individual combination of things that only you can discover, experience and no other.

I know pain and I am sorry you are suffering as much as you do! I really, really do. At my worst time, before therapy, when I felt like the biggest failure in the world, I found a way to survive those times by no longer expecting my life to be any different than what it was. By saying to myself: okay, so this is the way it is. I am a failure. I am this or that. And no longer trying to change anything. Later I read that accepting a situation is a condition to changing it. But at the time I just accepted it so to relieve my distress and it worked. I wasn’t happy but less distressed. What do you think of that?

You wrote in capital letters that you are terrified that you lost your life and your family- meaning you are not sure that you did. What if you accepted that you did, accepted the worst, can you live with that?

I feel a bit uncomfortable suggesting something like that because you are so distressed. I am not a therapist (not a good one, not a bad one- and there are plenty of those)- please tell me what you think about adopting the attitude of ACCEPTING your current situation, accepting instead of fighting against?
anita

Anita

It’s been so long now that I just wonder if I’ll find my own way/solution ever. It’s a very sad place to be but I can’t afford to wait any longer!

Ct

Dear cherrytree:
“living in a silent world…” Tell me more about that, living in a silent world…?
It reads like you are in a very tough shape although your thinking in your writing seems clear, so you didn’t completely lost your marbles yet… I used to suffer so much that i wished i lost my marbles and found refuge in active psychosis… or death, of course. How do I deal with depression, you asked?

I have been working on the CORE of my problems. In the core of all my past diagnoses is a HURT little girl. That hurt transformed through the decades into all kinds of DSM diagnoses but in the core there was a hurt and scared child with wide eyes needing help and rescue. I don’t think of myself as HAVING depression or anxiety, suffering from a defect of the brain that causes these things. It is a childhood wound, trauma that went unhealed for too long, the resulting unskilled living complicated and made things worse.

So I worked diligently for over four years, every single day, and I uncovered things and practiced skills and still do. Sometimes, today, I felt distressed and I know it is the neurons still touched by trauma vibrating fear, fear from long ago. I am still the little girl alone afraid that my mother will do as she threatened to do and kill herself. I am still afraid, sitting thousands of miles away from her and decades away from her, i am still afraid, time heavy like a blanket over me, I am afraid she will kill herself. I am afraid to be alone. It is the trauma. No amount of thinking is going to take away the fear. This is when- right this moment- I listen to the birds outside and try to ground myself in the Here and Now.

What can I do, being as far away as I am- what can anybody do, do you think, to help you??? What do you need…
anita

Ps I’m not working diligently any time-i’m too wracked with anxiety to do anything, and meanwhile I’m watching the world and my family live without me, this is really scaring me more every day. So frightened it’ll get worse until I’m frightened all day to the same extent I am when it gets dark. I have shrunk my husband’s life to the extent he can’t leave my side when he’s at home with me…what do I do when I’m too frightened to be alone in the day but but too scared to have anyone except my husband here with me, bearing in mind I’ve destroyed our relationship too.

Ct

Hey Anita

I hear what you say. We all need to preserve ourselves, I understand how you feel.

I had a dear friend who was supporting me through a difficult time 7 years ago and I was supporting her through her own mess too- I never gave up on her; and I supported another friend through her divorce.
When I needed them again one of them became unavailable (despite me having helped her so much before) and I hate to say I didn’t follow the advice of the second friend as my altered state of brain chemicals was not allowing me to see clearly.

Now I’m living life on another planet- a totally unrecognisable, totally frightening one (it’s the having complete anhedonia caused by citalopram that has made me into the zombie I am today- I’ll never forgive the doctors for covering up the truth about SSRIs- I can’t believe it’s legal; judges in suicide cases have contacted the makers of this drug but they give the usual answer- it’s depression symptoms; and so, they get away with it)

So, to answer your question the zombie that I am today began with mild depression and ended up not knowing how to get through the day because of a prescription drug. Even my mother the other day used my name to me in the third person and said she’s not giving up hope of seeing ‘Cherry’ again – how bad does that make me feel? Not her fault I’m like this though…
Let’s see if we can find out how to start a new thread and then maybe others can help me too…having said this I feel this response of mine probably belongs on a depression forum- not here on a site made for positivity 🙁

Thank you
CT

Dear Ct:
I don’t know if you shared that already: how long were you on the citalopram and how long has it been since you are no longer taking it? This is crucial to my understanding of your situation, for any understanding, that is, that I can have with the little information I have about you. I have experience with SSRI, mostly with Zoloft (up to 400 mg per day which is an unusual amount to be prescribed!) 1996-2013. I also took other drugs so it’s been hard to say what did what. But it is my experience that these drugs. They do change brain chemistry and once changed, when you stop taking it- when I stopped my brain chemistry was way, way worse for me than it was before I took the drugs. I failed at living without the drugs again and again because I felt so very, very depressed. The longest of the times I stopped was three months and what I felt then (2011-2012) was extreme anxiety. And even though I was exercising and doing yoga in the gym every single day for hours, the anxiety was too much and i gave up. Eventually I made it but had to deal with anxiety using new therapy skills. But to my question to you: how long has it been since you stopped and are you taking any other drug?

What is your history with SSRI or other psychiatric drugs- how long without? The challenge of getting off these drugs is ENORMOUS for many, many people. I agree wholeheartedly that most of psychiatry is completely irresponsible and harmful.

I hope you can feel some compassion for yourself and not add to your distress by thinking how you harm your family. And remember they have their choices, they can and should leave to take care of themselves and be with you only if they can take it without harming themselves- let them choose, somehow.

Waiting for your reply.
anita

Dear cherrytree:
I don’t know if you are following this still, but just in case: I appreciate, encourage and respect your limit setting, your honesty in telling me how you feel about what I wrote, and will not post on this thread furhter. My very best wishes to you, wishing you health and recovery-
anita