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Getting over infatuation but preserving the relationship

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  • July 27, 2014 at 4:56 pm #61912
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    I am male, 45 years old, a small business owner and happily married (don’t know anyone else who is married as happily as I am, in fact). I have meditated on and off and read some Buddhist texts but I am not an experienced practitioner of either meditation or Buddhism. Too bad because…

    One of my employees of 3.5 years – let’s call her Liz – a few weeks ago quit her job due to “feelings” for me. Infatuation, in short. Up to that point we had worked together extremely well and become a “unit”. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings for her. She is quite attractive and we have always enjoyed working and spending time outside work together, yet that stuff never entered my mind. Instead, we have both felt respect, affection, trust and admiration for each other. We have become friends with a connotation of brother/sister or perhaps father/daughter relationship thrown into the bargain (she is 27 years old). We have had many intimate conversations and know each other very well. I know she has confided in me more than in anyone else in her life, except perhaps her own mother.

    Three weeks ago, she very abruptly removed herself from our work relationship citing romantic feelings for me. This created great distress for me and for herself. In my mental confusion, I allowed anger and disappointment take over and I sent her a cold note. Her response broke my heart. She was hurt, the last thing I wanted. I felt more rotten and miserable than I had in many years. I visited her a few days later at her home. She allowed that. I then told her in no uncertain terms how much I loved her, how deeply sorry I am for the email I sent, that it was all a lie, and how I wished we could somehow preserve the relationship. It became tearful on both sides, and, on my initiation, physical. We hugged, first standing up, and then kept holding and stroking each other sitting down on her sofa. Nothing sexual by the way, and kisses only to the forehead. I suggested that she become my “blood sister”. She loved the idea and was ready to take a blood oath right then and there. I suggested we wait with this until our heads are clearer and we know what we want out of that commitment etc. We parted, both on an emotional high.

    Unfortunately, the same evening I had to admit to myself that I was now also feeling a growing infatuation with her. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I got the butterflies like a teenager! My wife is fully aware of everything that’s happening, including the butterflies. She also knows Liz reasonably well, and the two also like each other. Liz looks up to my wife like to an elder sister, I suppose. I have assured my wife that whatever is happening with Liz is not a threat to our marriage and that I have no intention of pursuing a romantic affair with Liz. My wife trusts me, and she can see that I am being sincere. Liz for her part also doesn’t want to pursue this but my admission that I am now also having “feelings” for her hasn’t made this any easier for her.

    By email we agreed that we’d make “butterfly-killing” our most important joint project for now. I made sure my wife heard that, too, of course. Yesterday, Liz came to our house for dinner. She had a long talk alone with my wife, while I was walking the dogs and cooking. We spent a very pleasant evening and Liz went home. Well, it was more like a butterfly breeding session, at least for me. There were a couple of moments where we looked at each other for perhaps a little too long and I think that alone did it. Butterfly City!

    So there it is. I love that girl in a non-romantic, non-sexual way more than almost anyone else in my life, and now I also have a crush on her. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I can’t have her as a lover. I don’t know what to do.

    July 27, 2014 at 5:38 pm #61915
    Matt
    Participant

    Axel,

    I admire your honesty, and commend the strong intimacy you have with your wife. To be able to have the courage to open up about that to her, bravo!

    It sounds like a case of transference and counter-transference to me. You two had a closeness that erupted, and as you moved in to salvage the connection, became in meshed. Consider, you shared a very tender moment of connection, kissing on the forehead, strong emotionally charged hugs. This can leave an impression, a high.

    Settling the butterflies, or releasing the sensual lust for your friend, is a matter of accepting the relationship “isn’t that”. “Not mine”. Not in a resistance, such as trying to shut a door against wind, rather in clear seeing, such as wind blowing past a tree. “Yep, oops, no biggie, will fade as I do nothing with it”

    The good news is, as the tree remains standing, you can turn and look at your wife, and realize “that’s mine”, such as “my dear, sweet butterfly farm is already alive and healthy, romance and tenderness is between us.”

    Consider, our hearts are compatible with many people. Such as if circumstances were different, yeah, you might be able to dance with your friend in that way. But here and now, it would be harmful. To you, your wife, and her, perhaps others. On her side, you’re a tender and loving man, and something she wants to find. Its very normal to have feelings get all confused, turned around. Sweet moments between you, probably some light flirting, and a platonic love. A little spark can set that ablaze, such as her transference meeting your desire to care for her. Doing nothing is what puts it out. Just accepting what you know, letting the giggles remain at home. This will help put it out on her side too. Said differently, see the blip for the normal thing it is, and then do the right thing and set her free (in your mind, intentions) to go and find someone that is able to return that tenderness, because its not you. We both know that.

    Finally, try to move your mind where you want your attention to remain. Said differently, thinking lots about this big issue doesn’t really help. If you’re satisfied that you’re seeing it clearly, don’t obsess with why it happened, just move on. Don’t let it pull you back in, no need. Then, next time, maybe don’t sit and kiss her in her apartment? 🙂 She’s a big girl, and its OK for her to cry alone, or reach out to others for support. You have a duty to protect your home, keep the boundaries strong.

    Namaste, may the bedazzle fade, with clear seeing remaining.

    Sorry if any of that stung, allure can be stubborn.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 27, 2014 at 6:58 pm #61920
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    Matt, good advice. I agree that the key is my intentions. Letting go, accepting that this isn’t for me, etc would certainly end the problem effectively. I have been oscillating between a state where that acceptance prevails and a state where the desire has had the upper hand. At times where I was nearly letting go, Liz could sense it and relaxed. At times when the butterflies were out in force, she became apprehensive. It’s amazing how just a little gesture, an emoticon or a few words on Skype or email can communicate what’s happening with one of us, and how that loops back to the other. Although we now can only see each other once per week when she comes visit us for a weekend afternoon and dinner (she has already found a new job) we are still in touch daily by email, Skype, phone. I wonder if completely breaking off all contact for a while would help me settle my intention firmly and release the butterflies.

    July 27, 2014 at 7:47 pm #61922
    Matt
    Participant

    Are you just a chatty person? Do you still communicate far more with your wife? Skype, email, texting every day? Might want to put the brakes on that. Perhaps stop “jumping at the response”, “joining her in her sandbox”, and so forth. Said differently, if you feel the need to share something, connect. Don’t share something from the desire to connect. See the difference?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 27, 2014 at 8:16 pm #61925
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    Well, chatting with her has been a daily thing for more than three years. Sitting right next to each other at the office, going out for lunch etc. It’s become a habit, and a cherished one at that. I miss it very much, and so does she. Of course I communicate much more with my wife as we live in the same house. Not by email or Skype though. Yes, I understand the distinction you are making. Good to be able to talk about it with someone like you! Deeply appreciated.

    July 28, 2014 at 4:48 pm #62009
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Axel,

    If she had not tipped her hand, it would be business as usual.

    It’s a rush I know. I had this happen under different circumstances after my wife and I split up. Even then, I distanced myself.

    I’m going to be very blunt so stop reading if you want to move from butterflies to the two if you riding a unicorn. Tha fact that you are asking about this shows you are not thinking clearly. Her age, that she quit due to her feelings, your position as boss, and what else..? Oh yes ….helloooooo you’re married. The issue is as Matt said, you are enmeshed. Simply stop wondering and take a COMPLETE 6-month break. You need to do this. Do this. No oscillating. For you and your wife and for this young woman. Also for your business which can be put in jeopardy when your wheels come off at some point. For your other employees. For your customers. For others who you can help unless your life collapses due to this situation. After 6 months, take 12, then 24….COMPLETE.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
    July 28, 2014 at 5:37 pm #62013
    Big blue
    Participant

    Actually it was not business as usual. You crossed boundaries as an employer with intimate conversations etc. before she quit. Just my 2 cents.

    July 29, 2014 at 7:26 pm #62166
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    Hi Big Blue, thanks for your thoughts. You are right about the not thinking clearly. Since I posted the original post, I have started to look for approaches to make the thinking clearer. One approach is to analyze scenarios. There is only one scenario in which Liz and I indulge in our crush, and where the outcome might be positive. And that would be for my wife to encourage or allow an “open relationship”. Well, my wife isn’t, and even if she were, I understand from reading about the topic here and there, that open relationships in the majority of cases do not work well and can lead to aggravation and heartache as well. So this scenario needs to be discarded. All other scenarios are negative, anyway. So, I am thinking more clearly now than a couple of days ago. That doesn’t completely get rid of the infatuation though. Another approach I am using is to direct my thoughts away from “what could be” with her, and from the loss I sense right now, toward the positives in my life and to getting back to the life I actually want to live. Which of course includes a my beloved wife. I try to guide my thoughts toward rekindling the love I feel for her and superimpose that on the infatuation with Liz. This, too, does its bit toward reducing the infatuation.

    You suggest a sort of mechanical solution, namely to completely sever the relationship with Liz for an extended period. Although I won’t rule that out either, I am still reluctant to do that. For now, we have agreed on a 3-week break, and, as Matt suggested, to carefully watch our communications, to make sure we aren’t connecting just to connect. For the past 36 hours or so we have had no contact. It sucks but I can see that this, too, does its bit.

    Perhaps in three weeks we will find that the period wasn’t long enough. I suppose we’ll “double the dose” then.

    Where did the 6 months you suggested come from? Your personal experience? Data from mental health literature?

    July 29, 2014 at 7:32 pm #62168
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    Big Blue, I am not a native speaker of English so perhaps I misused the word “intimate”. By this I meant “very personal”, the sort of stuff you don’t share with just anyone. I wasn’t talking about discussing the colour of her panties. I don’t think speaking about very personal things with an employee is crossing a boundary, as you put it. If both sides are comfortable with it, there is nothing ethically wrong with it. It’s a matter of personal preference, not a universally acknowledged boundary, no?

    July 29, 2014 at 9:21 pm #62179
    Matt
    Participant

    Axel,

    With boss/employee (or any set hierarchy) there is an unstable ground for the intimacy. Lines can easily get crossed, confused on both sides. Pressures to say yes or no based on various factors that don’t don’t belong in close connection. Plus, in your case, it puts a marriage at risk. Is it worth it? I guess that depends on what you talk about, right? What you do with it? Are you helping one another along your paths, or staring at each other?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 29, 2014 at 10:04 pm #62183
    Axel Curiosity
    Participant

    Matt, sure. But we didn’t cross any lines in that sense while she was still working with me. At least I didn’t. I didn’t have a crush on her, and wasn’t (and still am not!) sexually interested in her. Although obviously I came to depend on her in other ways. She was no longer working with me when we had that meeting at her apartment. She isn’t working for me now and won’t be anytime in the near future. I have no intention of putting my marriage at risk. I am trying to lose the infatuation. Which isn’t as easy as I wish it were. I am not sure if you saw my longer post in response to Big Blue above but I am trying different things to change the way I think and therefore feel about her. Right now we aren’t talking about much at all as I followed your advice. I suggested to her that we watch the stuff we do online and by phone, reduce it to instances when there is something to share, but don’t connect just to connect. She thought it was a very good way of looking at it and hasn’t been in touch since. I am in no hurry to break the radio silence. If I break it, it will indeed be only when I have something to share with her that I genuinely feel will help her with her own struggle.

    July 29, 2014 at 11:20 pm #62190
    David4500
    Participant

    here are my personal thoughts. there is nothing wrong for you to love someone. loving someone is a nature, you can’t stop nature. I am loving two women at same time now. loving someone esle does not make you unfaithful to your wife, your action does. Is like having a sexual thought to a sexy woman you saw in movie, does that make you unfaithful? it only does when you treat your wife differently. you must know how to control your feeling. it is good that you have not done anything more than hugs and kiss to forehead. just Follow what your heart tells you. but don’t hurt your wife and Liz in the process. If Liz feel uncomfortable carry on like this, let her go, because you love them.

    July 30, 2014 at 1:40 am #62204
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Axel,

    Maybe it’s your language again, but one does not usually contemplate the feasibility of an “open relationship” with a spouse and a person you described as like a daughter. But, I really don’t need to parse words when you obviously 1) have a thing for a woman half your age who quit as your employee because of it, and 2) are so wrapped up in it that you are having trouble seeing the risk of still being and touch and making the love more legitimate with an open arrangement. You’re all adults. You might also consider that all of your digital communications can be used against you in court when one or both of the women get mad / emotional / jealous / greedy / opportunistic / rightly outraged whatever words you would then use, and sues you for sexual harassment or divorce, or both.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
    July 30, 2014 at 4:29 am #62211
    Matt
    Participant

    Big blue,

    Your words read to me as judgey and fearful. I know its from a heartfelt place, Axel may not. 🙂 Namaste, brother.

    Axel,

    I saw all the back and forth, and think your responses continue to be heartfelt and honorable. There and here. Good people get ensnared in stuff, it happens. Keep following that sense of what’s right and you’ll be just fine. I was only echoing (trying to echo) BB’s sentiments, without the sentiment.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 30, 2014 at 7:00 am #62219
    Kelly
    Participant

    Axel,
    Are you clear and honest on what your feelings for Liz truly are? In one post, you describe a scenario in which you and Liz can “explore your crush” but then in a later post you claim you are not sexually interested in her. Then what’s to explore (hypothetically)? When I read your words, I see an inner battle between what you think you “should” do and what you want to do. I think you are playing with fire and you are best advised to keep your distance from this woman, as Matt and Big Blue have suggested.

    Take care.

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