Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your detailed response. It is so helpful! I think deep down I know you are right, yet I can’t seem to get out of the deep disappointed that all the wonderful things he promised me are not going to come true. I can’t help but feel like it was something (or a few things) that I did that made him change his mind about me being “the one”. I think he really has some emotional work to do to figure out why he jumps from woman to woman, but somehow I keep thinking that he was so good to me for over a month, that he talked so much about the future and how excited he was to be with me, that I feel like something about how I acted last time I saw him changed his mind. It also really hurts that he’s now “taking it slow” and “learning from his mistakes” with this new woman he’s interested in now. I don’t understand why he wasn’t willing to do the same with me?

Hi Anita,

You’re totally right, I think if I’m honest it was more of a rush than anything. I had hoped it would last longer, that it could develop into more, but after talking with him, I can see that was never really his true intent. I truly believe now that he knew what he was doing, that he purposely lead me on to fool me into becoming close with him.

Well, he said on the phone that he was taking it slow with this new woman, and not rushing into things like he did with me. However, after giving it some thought, I don’t believe he’s had enough time to change into being ready for a committed relationship. I’m sure he’ll woo this new woman as intensely as he did me, and probably move on quickly too.

It saddens me that there are people like this out there, and I really wish I had been more careful before I gave my heart away.

Thank you again for listening!

L

Hi Anita,

I think what bothers me the most is that when we  were together, he didn’t behave in these awful ways that is now. For instance, he didn’t flirt/chat with other women, deleted tinder in front of me, all those sorts of things so I think part of me is stuck hoping that “good” version of him will come back and how he is now was just a phase and not the other way around.

I’m trying my best not to be in contact with him anymore (it’s been 5 days, it’s a start!) but I was still following him on social media. I’ve now deleted him, as he just posted a picture of himself which gave me such a pang of pain and a desire to text him, just to talk about anything, but I didn’t. Especially seeing all the new girls liking this picture and seeing all the pictures of girls he likes, when he doesn’t like any of mine anymore. I know these things should not bother me at all, in fact I find it silly that they do. He was never really active at all on social media when we were together, and now it seems like he’s revelling in all the female attention he’s getting now.

It all still feels so surreal, it feels like just yesterday he was looking me in the eyes lovingly saying he would never want another woman other than me. It really bothers me that he reassured me so many times that what he’s currently doing he would never do. I really believed him, as silly as that is.

Hi Anita,

Thanks again so much for your input on this. I think you’re absolutely right that my emotional reasoning seems to be fighting with my logical reasoning.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been obsessing over one particular statement that he said on that last phone call. When I asked him what he thought caused him to suddenly loose interest, he first said he thought it “sort of just played itself out”, and that he realized after a few weekends together he realized that us being together “wasn’t going to happen” and he said “I just don’t think I want that (a relationship) with you, I’m sorry”.

What has been bothering me, is that he wouldn’t say why he specifically didn’t want a relationship with me. I think at this point it’s the closure that I’m looking for, the reason why he no longer saw value in being with me. I think if I truly knew that, even if it was something silly or that I didn’t agree with, I could stop obsessing about it. I think what really bothers me is that it seemed to be such a drastic change, but perhaps I’m missing the bigger picture, I’m not really sure anymore.

Hi Anita,

You’re right. I think deep down I have the answers I’m searching for, I just don’t want to have to believe the awful truth. It’s scary, knowing there are people out there like that, and that they are so convincing. I can’t believe someone, this “player” I fell for, would spend all that time convincing me I was special, making playlists for me, giving me gifts and writing me sweet letters, and messaging me all day long all for a game. I could never do that to someone, so I think I’m having a hard time believing he did.

I’ve been struggling too with this not affecting my self worth, I know it shouldn’t. Part of me just can’t understand why someone like him (he’s not very educated, has a decent job but doesn’t take it too seriously, does drugs for fun, etc.) would reject me (I’m 28, attractive, have a professional career, master’s education, financially secure). I was talking to my dad about this, and he said it would be like someone offering him a very expensive and valuable bottle of wine. He would appreciate it, but ultimately wouldn’t value it as it should be because he doesn’t like/want alcohol. I see the point of the metaphor, so I’m trying not to take it personally.

The last issue I’m still struggling with is the physical attraction. I’m disgusted with his behaviour and his “true colours”, but somehow I still find him physically attractive, so much so that I’m worried I will ever be as physically attracted to anyone else. I really hope it isn’t the case, but just my luck that he was the exact image of my “type”. I hate that I’m being so superficial and shallow, especially with all the pain he’s caused me, but somehow my emotional and physical needs seem to be totally seperate. It’s so frustrating!