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Great Connection but Many Barriers – Give it a chance?Is this feeding a pattern?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Great Connection but Many Barriers – Give it a chance?Is this feeding a pattern?

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  • January 2, 2017 at 2:08 pm #124365
    GemmaAlexia
    Participant

    Hi All,

    Hoping for some external perspective/reflections…

    I recently returned from a yoga 5 day retreat where I met a guy who I formed a really lovely connection with. We gravitated towards each other for most of our time there, even though much of the time is spent in silence. We Just seemed to want to be near each other, mostly unconsciously and at times very consciously. On day 3 we shared a lovely 3 hour walk (just the two of us) where we shared our stories with each other. We gelled like I’ve never gelled with a guy before – he really seemed to understand me and empathise with me, and likewise. He was saying all of the things that I’d been wishing my ex would have said to me when we were together, we seem to have a very similar perspective of life and a shared interest in spirituality and personal development. He seems incredibly kind, open and empathetic and it does not feel like we are so different in age at all. I had no idea he was in his 50s unitl he told me.

    After the retreat we traveled to the train station together, bought some more time to go for another walk and chat and have been in contact regularly since – a couple of long phone calls and a few texts. He is also wary of the age gap and we have told each other that we feel a connection and are both unsure what to do, so we have agreed to allow a friendship to develop and see what happens

    I am torn as to whether or not to allow it to develop into something as there are significant barriers to pursuing a relationship with him (distance 3.5 hour drive], 19 year age gap [I’m 33, he’s 52], both out of serious relationships within the last 6 months [hime divorced with a teenage daughter living with him]). But it feels like he has the qualities that I would like in a partner and we seemed so connected hence me giving it some serious consideration.

    One of my hesitations is that on reflection of my former relationships I seem to have had many with people who are in some way unavailable such as emotionally unavailable and long distances. Many issues to unpick here! What would you do?

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by GemmaAlexia.
    January 2, 2017 at 6:24 pm #124377
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gemmaalexia:

    I would learn from him, in the context of a beginning friendship, about his relationship with his ex wife and with his teenage daughter. Then I will consider whether I am up to the great emotional challenge of having an intimate relationship with a man who is parenting a teenager and is interacting/ co parenting with an ex wife, fresh out of a divorce. These may have lead him to the yoga retreat, the great distress of it all. You may not want to dive into it. Check the water first.

    anita

    January 3, 2017 at 2:46 pm #124443
    GemmaAlexia
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply anita, I appreciate it. Yes, that is sensible advice which adds another layer to it all! He has experienced other trauma, more serious than the divorce, too. I have also experienced trauma in my life which is another reason I’m keen to think more carefully before diving into to another relationship. I really want to find my spiritual partner, someone I can build a life with, have a family and continue to grow personally and spiritually with.

    January 3, 2017 at 2:48 pm #124444
    GemmaAlexia
    Participant

    Ah, my reply.made it sound like I experienced trauma in a romantic relationship… It was family relationships that has been my trauma.

    January 4, 2017 at 8:24 am #124488
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gemmaalexia:

    Trauma is trauma and requires healing. So do take the time to get to know the man in different contexts (outside the yoga retreat context, his home life context, his work life context, etc.

    Your objective is to “find my spiritual partner, someone I can build a life with, have a family and continue to grow personally and spiritually with”- you want to have trust that as you and he face your individual challenges, and the challenges of a relationship together, that the two of you are willing and able to promote each other’s well being and quality of life.

    anita

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