I was at a bar last night, and I was asked by a coworker “So what’s your story? Everyone has a story.”

So here it is.

I was in a three year relationship when I decided to move to Chicago. This has been a relationship with many ups and downs, mainly due to my upbringing. I struggled for years to put my finger on the reason for my suffering and for most of our relationship I believed that it was our relationship or my boyfriend that led to my unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I finally came to realize through much trial and error that my dissatisfaction was deeply rooted within my being. I did not know who I was. And I did not know what I want. Nor did I love myself. This took a great toll on our relationship, as most of the symptoms of it appeared in my most intimate relationship.

I had spent most of my life completely enmeshed with my mother. I am an only child. She has treated me as her confidante over the years from a very young age, and entrusted me with things no little girl should know, and many of these things were related to my father. Even though she often gave me the role of a friend, I was mostly treated as an immature child who could not possibly know anything. I grew to never trust my decisions, and to let her be the one who ultimately decides what I want and how I feel about things/people/situations.

I want to mention that my parents are married still, and I have to say that they are not happy, and I do not think I have ever witnessed their happiness. This has made it very difficult for me to have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. I come from a family that fights often. We offend each other, we yell, we do not acknowledge each other, there is no affection, no i love yous, and the list can go on. And he comes from a family that is the exact polar opposite of mine. Happily married parents for over 30 years, that love and respect their children and each other, that show affection all the time (hugs, kisses, i love yous).

In the begging stages of our relationship, this was very difficult for me. I had a very hard time going to his house, and being exposed to his was of being. The love was so uncomfortable, for it was not the love I knew. In my house, ‘love’ screams, it judges, it hurts, it defies, it ignores, it separates, it belittles, and the list goes on. This became very difficult for me to accept, now that I had such a contrast. I became angry, and I began to notice all these emotions that I so carefully set aside all my life. I had opened Pandora’s box, and there was no turning around. From here I fell into a big depression and I became unavailable in my relationships. Mainly in the one I am grieving right now. This began about 8 months into the relationship and continues till today.

I had tried everything within the relationship. Love me more, love me less, call me more, call me less, see me more, see me less, and it’s like nothing did the trick. I would wake up in the morning with numbness, not feeling the love I knew I had for him. This was such an intense and horrifying experience. And it lasted for over two years. It would come and go. My natural conclusion was that there is something wrong in the relationship and even though I knew I loved him, I began to doubt it, because I did not have the feelings to back it up. I have to mention that my now ex-boyfriend, is a wonderful, loving, kind, giving, hard-working man. And I could not understand how I just stopped feeling love for him. Fast forward this through two years of trial and error solutions, I had decided that I need to be on my own for a little while. So I decided to move to Chicago, from Michigan. This, at 25, after only living in my parents’ house, never had left, and being in a serious relationship with a man that had bought us a house and in which we had wanted so much to build a life together.

He did not like my decision thought he seemed supportive in the beginning. My parents hated the idea and told me I was going to ruin my life by doing this. Because I was not going to pursue my career and I was leaving everyone I knew behind. But I needed that emotional and physical separation to take place, so I could finally find who I am.

I never realized how deeply this has hurt him. I had the perfect explanation for what I needed to do. It did not matter. He could not see past the abandonment: “how could you pick up and leave like that after 3 years in a serious relationship, after I moved closer to you, bought a house in which to build a life together? this is not the normal progression of a relationship after 3 years. we should be working towards a life together, not moving away.’ It did not matter how often I had explained that I had grown up with a controlling mother, and that I have never been independent and that I had not taken care of myself. I wanted to know that I can be an individual. I wanted to see what it was like to not compromise for anyone. So I made sure that I set it up that I was financially independent and that I took care of every aspect of myself and my life. This was really important to me. Moving was such a freeing experience for me, and as he saw that I was blooming here, he could not help but think his love was not enough to keep me with him, and that I was happy without him, etc. He would not want to come visit at all, because in his mind, he bought us a house, where I wanted, and I left him there. In his opinion I should come back, I should be with him, I should visit. It was my choice and I was being punished heavily for it.

After about 6 months of being here on my own, taking care of myself, I still felt tied down. When I left, I mentioned that I would return after 9 months, provided that everything between he and I was going well. Well, it was not. It was not going well. He grew angrier and angrier, and refused to visit. I became guiltier and guiltier.I felt suffocated. I felt that he wanted to clip at my wings. That he wanted to tie me down in what he considered should be our life. I would have eventually gotten there, I just needed SOME time in which I was ME, just me; not me around him, not me around my parents, etc. I felt that I was not able to offer him the love he asked for and deserved and decided that the best would be, if we just broke up, indefinitely. This did not fare well with him; but I felt certain that this was what I needed at the time. I needed no deadlines, no pressure for my growth. I needed to know that I can decide when and if I will return. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to be an individual, not lost in everyone else’s desires and opinions.

We broke up. We continued to talk, and see each other when I would occasionally visit, and the boundaries were really blurred. We did not know what we were anymore. We acted as if we were together, all the while saying we are broken up. This was very difficult for both of us. We did not know how to let go. We loved each other very much, but did not know how to relate to each other in any other way than boyfriend/girlfriend. Until, one day, about 6 weeks after initiating this breakup, with which he eventually agreed (because we wanted different things, and many other reasons), he stopped calling. He stopped answering. I did not hear anything from him for a month. Until a letter came in. That month was so difficult. I did not know anything of him. I cried every day, and it started to put things in perspective for a life without him. A month later a letter came in, in which he was expressing his feelings, very concisely, like never before, and in which he told me exactly what he wanted, and that he felt that we were not in the same place and that he wishes me well in Chicago, but he also needs to do what he needs to do and get to have a simple happy family. He did not feel that I could offer him this yet. The letter gave me hope that we can be together again.

We did not speak for 12 weeks, at all. In this time, I learned how to be on my own, how to show up for myself. I learned that I am strong enough to be alone, and get through losing someone, and I felt what it was like to be without him, without my parent’s support. It was just me. I did not like the way it felt, to be ignored by him. But it was exactly what I needed. It helped me see what I really want, who I am. I felt that he was indeed the man I would like to try to have a relationship with. I wanted to go back. I wanted to show him who I became, what I learned, and that I could love him the way he loves, with much affection, kindness, support.

I wanted to meet with him, when I was visiting home this week. I tried many ways: phone calls, texts, facebook, letters, and nothing. I was ignored on almost every attempt. He did reply to one of my letters, and he said he is not ready to meet. Maybe sometime in the future, but not now.

I thought I could wait, but as the days went by, after over 3 months of not seeing him and 12 weeks of not hearing his voice or knowing of him, I needed to let him know how I feel. But he was not responsive to any of my invitations or attempts. So I decided to go find him. To see him and tell him in person what I know, what I want, that I am sorry for causing him so much pain. I wanted him to know that I am ready to be with him. That I want to show him how much I’ve grown, that the move to Chicago and all the hardship was really worth it. I drove 50 miles to find him at his parents’ house. And I did find him, finally.

We came face to face, after 3 months and 5 days of not seeing each other, after 11 weeks and 6 days of not talking. He had no escape. I told him how I felt. I was emotional and so sorry for the hurt I’ve cause, so ready to show him my love. And I was met with a ‘ Anca, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t have it in me!’

Everything I had imagined in my head flashed before me. It was all coming apart. It was such an intense pain. Shock. Disbelief. How could he not remember what we had and how much love and how great we were? How could he not want to try, when I am so sincere, and I stopped at nothing to let him know how I felt? How could he not see how sorry I was for the hurt I’ve caused?

I had to hear him hesitantly say “I can’t do it” dozens of times before I felt that I could leave. We were together for 6 hours. Neither of us wanted to let go. How do you say the last goodbye to the one you long for so much? How do you hug that person one last time? How do you kiss them one last time? What are the last words you would want to say in a situation like this?

I am in shock still. I want nothing more, but another chance to love him. But he has made it clear that he cannot risk being left again, being hurt, and that he has realized in many ways how we are not a good match. I think he would give us another chance, if it was not for his family that feels very strongly about me, and if it was not for his fear of being hurt again. Maybe with time, maybe the wounds will heal, maybe our love can triumph.

I still hope… I mourn this loss.

I will give him space.

I did the best I could (even though my past choices have hurt him and us), I told him how I felt. The ball is in his court now. There is nothing left for me to do. I will continue to be the best version of myself. That is my focus. To share love with the universe. To be kind to others and myself.

I will love him. I will patiently and quietly wait, till I cannot wait anymore.

Thank you for reading my story. Hope that this may help others feel that they are not alone. Hope I will see that I am not alone. Because I feel as if only I am going through this, and the pain is excruciating. I know I am not the only one. But sometimes, I need tacit proof.

I will gladly accept any feedback, any advice, anything.

Namaste

• This topic was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Anca.
• This topic was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Anca.
• This topic was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Anca.
• This topic was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Anca.