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Grieving what could have been and the loss of my circle

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  • #372215
    Kabange
    Participant

    Hi,

    Last year, I met somebody who seemed really keen on me. I felt that a relationship was developing and my feelings for him grew. We had discussed a future together but the relationship never became official. He eventually broke off contact without a word. I grieved,  got therapy and did my best to move on.

    We have a circle of mutual friends who I didn’t see much of until later in the year (2020 issues). I have since found out that he is dating a friend from this circle, whose marriage was breaking down around the time he stopped talking to me. They are very happy together but it is so hard for me to watch. Even harder is the realisation that I will have to remove myself from this group of friends if I am to find healing. Feeling not only rejected,  but also how do I find a new tribe? What really is my lesson in this experience?

    #372298
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kabange:

    I hope you feel  better soon, and that you will find a new tribe.

    “What really is my lesson in this experience?”- the lesson may be somewhere in between these two events: (1) he “discussed a future together” with you, and (2) he “broke off contact without a word”.

    For the purpose of looking for that lesson, I ask: what happened in between those two events?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
    #372311
    Kabange
    Participant

    I can only imagine that what happened was that the person he actually wanted to be with became available. That I was plan B.

    #372323
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kabange:

    Here is the story then: he wanted a married woman (A), but because she was married, he couldn’t form Plan A. Blocked in this way,  he went for B (you). He “seemed really keen” with you and has “discussed a future together” with you, meaning- he was in the process of forming Plan B. Next, A’s marriage broke down, he then abandoned B and Plan B “without a word”, and formed Plan A. Now, he is “happy together” with A.

    “What really is my lesson in this experience?”- He replaced B with A (he changed the woman in his life), but he didn’t replace/ change his character; He is still the same man who walked away from you “without a word”.

    This means that he may walk away from A without a word, if a more attractive prospect, in his mind, comes along (C), dropping Plan A for Plan C. A man of character does not walk away from a woman without a word.

    anita

    #372355
    Kabange
    Participant

    Thanks for this context Anita. I had just assumed that the issue was something about me… what I said or did.

    #372357
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kabange:

    You are welcome. You wrote: “He eventually broke off contact without a word… I had just assumed that the issue was something about me.. what I said or did”-

    -if by “what I said or did” you mean that you verbally or physically assaulted him, threatened him with violence, and/ or destroyed his property– then it would be understandable that he broke off contact without a word because of something you said or did.

    Did you do any of these things I italicized?

    anita

    #372358
    Kabange
    Participant

    I did none of those things. And that I am certain of. Even our last interaction seemed very amicable to me.

    #372359
    Kabange
    Participant

    Amiable rather. There didn’t seem to be any issues whatsoever.

    #372360
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kabange:

    Then he is not an honorable man. He should not have walk away from you without a word– it is very disrespectful, and it indicates who he is, not who you are.

    anita

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