I am feeling quite lost. I’m not even sure where to start in writing this. I have done a great deal of self reflection lately and come to realize that I have never lived a very authentic life. I have spent much of my life trying to bend myself to fit into the pretty boxes that I perceive as pleasing to the people around me. This realization has led me to find myself an exhausted, broken shell. I don’t even really know who I am. And my life very much reflects this.

I have recently begun to date a woman for the first time in my life. Although I’ve had physical relationships with and attractions to women all my life I’ve never had an emotional relationship with a woman. All my previous relationships have been with men. My time with her has been exquisite, soul exploding, and incredibly painful. I am left with a new path to discover that I never realized I was missing. It is, unfortunately, a situation that is coming to an end. I want a more serious relationship, she does not. I feel shattered. But underneath the heartache is the realization that my life is empty and small and being wasted. Yes, my heart is aching for the loss of this love, but in a much deeper and more urgent sense, my heartbreak is for myself and the life I’ve failed to build.

I can visualize the steps I might take to begin to build a life for myself. Yet I feel someone paralyzed, unable to act, somehow certain, even against all the logic my brain can muster, that I will not succeed. That the place I can “fit” just doesn’t exist. I will go through the motions of attending more social events and trying to find dates as I have in the past, but I fear I will continue this pattern of failed connections. I wish so to form deep, meaningful connections with friends and with a lover. I worry that I don’t have the capacity to connect with others in this way. My head is aware of the worthiness of each being on this planet, but my heart doubts that I am in fact worthy, that others will ever find me worthy for more than the contortionist act I can display.

There are moments now where all I can do is sob as I hold myself as if the pieces of me will all go flying off into space if I don’t hold tight. I vacillate between feeling numb, scared, wordlessly sad, and broken. I am exhausted. I have just begun to see a counselor and I feel some hope is this new step. I am reading every book I can get my hands on that seems to speak to this empty directionless place I find myself residing. I hope so much to benefit from the guidance this community may be able to offer me. A hand (or hands) to hold would bring me such comfort now. And so, with this, I put myself in your hands.