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Guilt over Engagement

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  • January 5, 2016 at 1:04 pm #91402
    Billy
    Participant

    I am new to the forums, but would appreciate some advice. I have been reading for some time.

    I have recently got engaged to a girl I love very much. We are hoping to marry later this year.

    We have been together for about two years. Unfortunately, the relationship did not start so well. There was a slight overlap with someone I was dating beforehand. I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. We were only physical for the first month. I don’t think we even kissed after that. As soon as something happened with my current fiance I made sure to end the relationship resolutely. Retrospectively, the prior relationship was over long before it actually officially finished.

    How do I deal with the feelings of guilt? Should I try and get in contact with the other girl? I wonder if this would just upset her, and only serve to make me feel better. Can my current relationship go on to be a success even though it started badly?

    January 5, 2016 at 1:18 pm #91405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Billy:

    I wouldn’t call the other girl. I would leave her alone and let her be forever more. I think it would be selfish and unwise to contact her.

    It has been a while since your relationship with the other girl ended, almost two years. Why did the guilt appear now? Is it after you got engaged that you started thinking about the other woman…? It might be, I am thinking, that you are afraid your marriage to be will fail and you are looking for a reason… in the past, to account for its possible failure…?

    anita

    January 5, 2016 at 1:22 pm #91406
    Billy
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice.

    The guilt hasn’t just appeared now – it’s always been there. I guess getting engaged has just made everything a little more real. My parents divorced and I am really scared of the same happening to me. I want to make sure my marriage lasts. I am scared that if the relationship started impurely, it won’t last. But, part of me hopes that something good can grow out of impure beginnings.

    I do suffer from depression and anxiety slightly. Sometimes this clouds my judgement.

    January 5, 2016 at 1:28 pm #91407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Billy:

    I think it is natural to be afraid of marriage when you have negative experience with it, by proxy, that is by witnessing up close the failure of the marriage of your parents. Your fear is understandable. I think that your fear is more about your parents’ divorce than it is about the overlap. The overlap is long gone but your injury from your parents’ divorce is still present in you. I hope you talk to your fiance about your feelings, how you fear your marriage with her will end like your parents’ marriage. Share with her, let her comfort you.

    When you share with her, assure her that you love her very much and that your fear originated and is about your parents’ divorce. Let her know that your fear is not about a weakness or problems in relationship with her. This way you take responsibility over your fear, not blaming her or the relationship with her. As your future wife and your current partner in life, you should be able to turn to her with your fears, anxiety and seek her comfort, and she should be able to do the same.

    Turn to her. And please update me/ us here once you do. Let me know how it went.

    anita

    January 28, 2016 at 2:10 pm #94115
    Billy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I just thought I would update you. I am often quite honest with how I feel with my fiancé. She is often a great comfort to me, and she genuinely has a very kind heart. But, equally, I think she sometimes struggles with my honesty, as I sometimes say things she doesn’t want to hear. I think my fears are sometimes irrational and it is difficult for other people to understand them.

    I am Catholic, so some of the bad things I have done in my past haunt me, and I don’t quite know how to get rid of them. I have an ideal in my head of what I should be like, and I so often fall short of it. Whenever I seem to get over one area of guilt or anxiety, another one emerges which becomes the next obsession. I think this can be hard for my fiancé – especially when they relate to her. Whenever I tell her about how I feel guilty about the relationship started, for instance, she takes offence – rightly so, you might say.

    In all honesty, I’m a bit of a mess. I do feel I would be a lot worse if I did have my fiancé. Perhaps the fact that she seems to make me into a better person is something I should take solace in.

    January 28, 2016 at 2:19 pm #94116
    Dina
    Participant

    Had you and the first girl discussed exclusivity? If not, I dont see why you feel guilty?

    January 29, 2016 at 12:07 pm #94238
    Billy
    Participant

    To be honest, I’m not sure. I suspect we probably didn’t. But, I guess it was implied.

    I appreciate what you’re saying, though. And, it does make me feel better. So, thank you.

    January 29, 2016 at 12:51 pm #94241
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Billy:

    You are not a saint. You are only a man.

    I suppose if you were a candidate for the Sainthood Position, then your past will be examined for imperfections and it will be required, for the position of saint, that there will be no imperfections and that the Ideal Self will be the same as the Actual Self. I never had any interaction that I know about with a saint, never met one anywhere. Do they exist… I can hardly imagine…

    But since you are not a candidate for the saint position (except in your own mind, unfortunately)- you are allowed your imperfections. And if you don’t believe a stranger on the internet, ask … Jesus, isn’t it the … reason he died on the cross, (assuming you are a believing Catholic), so that you will be saved because… you can’t help being imperfect.

    Isn’t it that Adam and Eve were perfect and then committed the original sin that caused every single person ever since to be born with sin, imperfect… and only through Jesus anyone at all can reach heaven because no one is without sin?

    Which brings me back to sainthood… by this definition, the original sin, how can anyone be a saint (there must be a Catholic explanation to this…)

    Anyway, does any of this mean something to you? I wrote this with a bit of a humorous slant, but I mean every word of what I wrote here.

    Hoping to read your next post soon enough.

    anita

    January 30, 2016 at 2:55 pm #94351
    Billy
    Participant

    Yes, what you write about the whole purpose of Jesus’ death being to save us from our imperfections is absolutely right. It’s not always so easy to accept that, though. In my head I might know I am forgiven, but to feel it in your heart and forgive yourself is a battle.

    You ask how anyone can be a Saint. I didn’t know whether you meant a saint or a Saint. A saint is anyone who is in heaven. And, you would attain this through belief in Christ. What that means in a practical sense is debatable. I guess a Catholic would say that you show your belief in Christ through how you act. So, it may be that there are people out there who believe in Christ and don’t know it yet. A Saint, on the other hand, is someone who is held up to be exemplary by the Church. They can, of course, make mistakes. But, they should have lived a virtuous life.

    I spoke to a friend of mine today (who is a priest) about my issue. He doesn’t think how the relationship started is bad, and feels is could actually help us in marriage, since it is a relationship born in the real world. I can’t remember how he phrased it, but he basically said that we are all human and make mistakes. A marriage is trying to make something good out of the human world which is full of human error. We are all imperfect and should just acknowledge that and lean on God for help. Marriage is about asking God to help the two of you through life.

    I quite liked this explanation, and found solace and encouragement in it.

    January 30, 2016 at 7:17 pm #94370
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Billy:

    I am so glad you talked to your priest friend and that he encouraged you and that you feel better!

    What I meant by “saint” is a perfect human, which is a contradiction of terms. Humans are not perfect and yet in previous posts it seems like you expect yourself to be perfect. You expect the impossible of yourself and that can only bring you heartache and suffering. You have to allow yourself the imperfections that all humans share, even the Saints you mentioned. Set yourself free from the tight leash of perfection. It is admirable that you aspire to be the most decent, honest man you can be, but it will only bring you sickness to take that aspiration too far, far into what is simply not possible.

    When you get anxious, look for comfort in your priest friend and maybe other people in the church, a counselor there… someone who will counsel you and your fiance. I thought marriage counseling is something done in the Catholic church.

    Please do post again, with updates and sharing of any kind. I will answer every post of yours.

    Take care of yourself!

    anita

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