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Guilty in despair

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  • July 12, 2015 at 8:05 pm #79703
    Guilty
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I just needed advice.
    I was in a very wrecking situation right now.
    My boyfriend and i broke up due to our differences in beliefs, particularly in our religion. We had a very romantic relationship. We talk about our future like it will be he and i forever.
    Then one day he decided to take our relationship more seriously and thought about a brighter future. He went to a review class far away from our place to have more focus. I understand his decision since it will be for our future. I am already a registered professional. We actually have the same field of profession. I know how hard it is to pass the board exam so i gave him the time and space that he needs.
    I am a very conservative person. I highly value sex and that it will only happen after marriage. But he really wanted to have it with me so i gave it to him fearing that i will lost him if i will not give it to him. Our relationship went smoothly despite the fact that we are not yet settled due to differences in religion.
    Then one day, he told me that its better to end our relationship since he cannot embrace my religion. I understood him because i cannot also embrace his religion. The break up happended throught the phone. I believed that distance may have also caused a crack in our relationship. A few days after the break up, he went home to see his father whom he has not met for 5 years since his father was working abroad.
    I decided to meet up with him to personally put closure on our relationship. I cant deny the fact that i really wanted him back since i loved him so much. When we met up, he hugged me but then i refused to show feelings. He kept on showing sweetness towards me. I warned him to stop doing so since were no longer together and we just have to talk about our ended relationship. But he showed no mercy. He kept hugging me, holding my hands and told me that he really loves me. He even told me that we just have to enjoy the moment we have together since we both love each other. We were officially a couple again that night. I was so fool to believe that we will be better. We even talked about where to have our date the next day since he only have few days left before leaving to contiue his review class. I was so carried away by his sweetness that i agreed to spend the night with him. I really thought that we were fine. Only to find out the next morning he became cold towards me. He never texted me. I was even the one to initiate where to have our date. But he just declined siting many excuses. I asked him what happended and just told me that its useless to continue our relationship. Now , i was left feeling guilty for giving into him last night. I feel so dirty and lost my self confidence. I felt like he just made me a one night stand and dumped me when he already got what he wanted. I feel so lost right now and dont know to start my life again.
    Can anybody help me how to move on and take away this guilt im feeling right now?
    I really feel so shattered.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Guilty.
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Guilty.
    July 13, 2015 at 8:15 am #79748
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mindoverheart:

    I feel for you. I am sorry you are shattered, feeling guilty and in despair. This is a distressful, painful state of mind to be in.

    I see your user name here: mind over heart. There is the rational mind and there is the emotional mind/ the heart. The two need to work together for best results and how to make them work together is often a lifetime process and I hope you give yourself the empathy that you need and deserve and the patience to work this long process.

    It is a process, so it takes time and thought, evaluating and re-evaluating, experiencing and learning from experience. Can you take a break from the guilt and despair and think: I need to learn from this and go on. It is like being angry at a young child who is learning to walk: do you beat her up for falling or do you hug her and encourage her to get up and walk again?

    How are you supposed to get it right, to get this mind/ heart thing right from the beginning? A young child never gets it right (as far as I know) from the very beginning, walking and not falling right from the beginning.

    The fall is painful, give yourself that hug that you need, forgive yourself, understand all you wanted was to love and be loved (nothing to feel guilty about)- you just went about it the wrong way. Consider getting up sometime and doing better next time.

    anita

    July 13, 2015 at 7:47 pm #79815
    Guilty
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Thank you very much for your wisdom. You just don’t know how it made me realize a lot of things. I almost forgot how to get up but you reminded me of doing so. I feel better now. He’s leaving for the review class today but I did not mind texting or calling him, not even expecting to receive any message from him. I will move on for myself. I know he’s not worthy of me.
    Thanks a lot.
    God Bless!

    July 13, 2015 at 7:59 pm #79816
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mindoverheart:

    You are welcome. If what I wrote above helped you, please read it again as you need to and I hope you post again so I can respond to you again. There is no quick fix to this, there will be ups and downs…

    anita

    July 13, 2015 at 8:43 pm #79825
    Guilty
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I’m having this fear in my heart that I am no longer deserving to be loved since I have already given the most valuable thing I was supposed to give to the right man and that is my virginity. I am afraid that he will leave me once he knew that I am no longer a virgin and that the wrong guy has taken it away from me. I’m afraid that he might look down on me.

    I know it sounds silly but I belong in a society where sex is of high value and that it should only be taken by your future husband.

    How could I convince myself that I am still worthy of being loved?
    It keeps haunting me until now.

    July 14, 2015 at 8:07 am #79839
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mindoverheart:

    I think I understand. I have similar feelings about sex, I believe. You asked how you could convince yourself that you are stioll worthy of being loved… I think that when you meet another man, and once you proceed slowly and wisely with the new man, wiser for learning from this experience, you at one point will share with that man your thoughts and feelings, including this very thought, and you will wait for his reaction.

    Because you will be taking it slowly and you will be learning about who he is before you bring it up with him (the new man in your future life), you will be increasing your chances of a good response from him. You will not be bringing it up with just anyone, only with a man you already know, and i mean KNOW, a man you studied, you listened to and learned about.

    And when you do, I suppose it will be scary, and then well… it can very well be, very possible, that the new man in your life will feel great empathy for you for having suffered over your mistake, as you do now, and he will want to make you feel better, to feel loved in spite of having made a mistake.

    maybe the new man will be aware that he too had made mistakes. Maybe even his sister had made a similar mistake to yours. And he may understand that To Err is Human. And maybe he will love you more for you having been hurt as you have.

    And as a result of his reaction, there will be tears in your eyes and you will feel that not all is lost, that you are loved. Wouldn’t it be wonderful?

    And it is, oh, so very possible to happen. Really- it is!

    You just LEARN that you do need to study people, to learn about men slowly, patiently, be it as friends for a long time before you proceed to share mentally and physically. This is how you do it, I say.

    What do you think?

    anita

    July 14, 2015 at 10:01 pm #79885
    Guilty
    Participant

    Thanks you very much anita. I was able to express my deepest concerns that I just cant share with anybody else.
    It indeed helped me a lot. I will be more open about my concerns in this forum. Thanks for sharing me your thoughts and wisdom.
    Hope to hear a lot from you soon.

    July 15, 2015 at 8:05 am #79898
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Guilty:

    You are welcome, anytime. Hope you post again- and hope someday soon it will not be “Guilty” Reminds me about guilt, healthy guilt has a time limit. The purpose of feeling guilty is one and only one: to learn from behavior and correct it. Once you learn and intend to correct (in a future relationship with a man)- then let the guilt go. From personal experience, feeling guilty for five decades (!) did not at all make me a better person. The other way around, it hampered my healing and wasn’t good for anyone, definitely not for me. Learn, change, move on. Leave the guilt behind. Till your next post, take care:

    anita

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