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Guilty of having crush despite being in a relationship

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Viewing 6 posts - 31 through 36 (of 36 total)
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  • January 4, 2021 at 7:37 pm #372200
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    The benefit about what you asked him and what you told him is that you are making it not-fun for him. He wanted to have some fun with a younger woman, to have an exciting sexual affair. But what he is getting instead is a nervous, conscientious woman asking him questions and worrying about his wife’s feelings. Excellent job on your part, to rain in his parade, so to speak (whether you meant to do it, or not).

    “He was like ok. and said he isn’t angry”- I hope this means that he is giving up on seeking fun with you.

    anita

    January 4, 2021 at 11:58 pm #372208
    Sarah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I told him clearly from the beginning it’s not going somewhere. And also that isn’t the first person to  tell me that he likes me. Nothing changes if you like a person. Chances are that it might work or simply not just in my case because I can’t see myself be called by a married man and spoken with. That time is for his wife not for me. I told him: also that I am very much possessive as a gf if my boyfriend messes up with me I am just gonna do something about it because I have also lived that bad  part and I know what it takes that’s why I can’t be doing that to another woman. Maybe he is a nice person but this thing no! Not anything friendship (for me, romantic for him) with a married person.” I finally told him what I felt. There’s lot of sobbing probably for me on realising but it’s just a new chapter for me.

    Sarah

    January 5, 2021 at 4:12 am #372210
    Sarah
    Participant

    Update as of now: He messaged i answered rudely but then i messaged him back saying i did not mean to sound rude. He was like i am so nice.  I know that sounds insane from what i was thinking practically but honestly i think it is going to take time for me to get over him. I probably don’t want to stop talking to him. It’s affecting me immensely because coming from my behaviour it’s changed totally. Yesterday after he left, i was feeling very bad and i ended up in crying after i left after some time. I could feel a void somewhere that i can’t explain. I never felt this way before. I’m in a 5 year relationship, but my bf kept on saying that i never loved him, he proposed to me after i broke up with my ex fiance, i took time to respond i thought i finally found the right person so i said yes. It was really that case, after 2 years, i left,  came to do further studies. Even though, i was in relationship with him, i had weird dreams about my ex and i could not tell this to my bf because he didn’t want to hear any of it. He could not bear the fact that i had a past relationship and i was about to get married (broke up due to his infidelity with several women). I think i am falling for this senior guy because of his nature, not by looks or anything, i’ve always heard of him being nice, respecting and  helping.  I realise that he is the kind of person i want to be with. I’m trying really hard to get over this  but i can’t think of any bad about him. It’s maybe the more i know about his niceness and kind nature i tend to be more engrossed. I have a deadline for university i am trying to work out this as soon as possible last night he was like finish my task we’ll talk later.  I wish he was never married but he is. This troubles me a lot. Whatever it takes i know i am not going to cross the line. It could be love or crush i don’t know my feelings yet. But it is not something to be long lived for sure and i am not going to say anything about my feelings despite he liking me. Because it could get more and more complicated.

     

    Sarah

    January 5, 2021 at 5:56 am #372211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    Please calm down/  remain calm so that you can attend to what is most important now: your university deadline and your work. The problem of relationships can wait for resolution later, maybe next week, or next month. Not today.

    I wrote to you three days ago, Jan 2, “My understanding: you are suffering, experiencing acute emotional pain and distress. Question is: why? The fast and easy answer, like the title of your thread indicates, is that (1) you feel guilty for having a crush while being in a long-term relationship with a man you plan to marry… Other possible reasons in addition to the above, are:… (3).. you don’t really want to get married to your boyfriend”-

    – in your most recent post you shared for the first time on your thread what fits with #3 above: “my bf kept on saying that I never loved him… Even though I was in relationship with him, I had weird dreams about my ex”. You shared that your ex fiancé cheated on you with several women, you then broke up with him, but according to what you shared, you were not over the ex. Next, you settled for a man you were not in love with and agreed to marry him sometime this year, but your heart is not in it. Fast forward, you come across this senior man at work, and you fall in love.

    Problems: (1) you are engaged to a man with whom you are not in love, and (2) the man you are in love with is married to another woman.

    Like I wrote in the beginning of this post: best you can-  keep yourself calm and focused on the tasks at hand. The problems I just listed can wait; they do not need to be solved today or tomorrow. Keep saying this to yourself every time you find your mind wondering to these problems.

    anita

    January 6, 2021 at 5:46 am #372277
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I spoke to one of my friends. She is married she tried to explain things to me that it would be a very difficult thing its better to let go and forget him. I think this sort of pulled up my energy. In fact i can’t see myself being in such a relationship. The good thing is that i realised how much i invested in my studies, my family, trust and everything. I said that yes i am going keep myself out of this dilema showing myself all the wrong possibilities (married man, different religion, age gap). This helped me to be more composed and calm. I spoke to him yesterday i could also realise that he is just a good person i admire its not really that love thing. He is more like enlightened being and explained me stuffs that usually people don’t talk.(bully at work, or friends at work).  He told that he always wanted to speak to me because i seem to be nice human being and likes me to finally tell me that maybe that’s sort of love on his side then i was like trying to explain maybe its not. But the funny thing he kept on changing the topic like jokingly so i dont say anything thinking i would be angry. He even said that in one month or two if i just stop talking to him its alright or even i go back to my country and need any help he’ll be there to talk and guide me. One thing i liked is his honesty and maybe i don’t want to let go the friendship i have with him. I am feeling very much better and relaxed and happy to have known him.

    Sarah.

    January 6, 2021 at 7:04 am #372281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    I am glad to read that you removed your focus from this dilemma, which brought you nothing but stress and misery, and that you are refocused on your studies and on the people who trust you and whom you trust. Good to read that as a result, you feel composed, calm, relaxed and happy.

    “I like his honestly and maybe I don’t want to let go (of) the friendship I have with him”- if you can consider him a friend only, and if he considers you the same, then you can be friends.

    * A friend is a person who will promote your focus to be where it should be; someone who will promote that composed-calm-relaxed-and-happy state of mind. A person who takes your focus away from where it should be, and who promotes your distress and misery- is not a friend.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by .
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