Hello,
I’m 28 yrs old and have anxiety disorder. I’ve always been an anxious person, but it went to a whole new level when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014. I’m not from a financially secure family. I wasted a couple years of my life trying to become a published author and so have been lagging behind in my profession as a content writer (earning much less than people my age). My dad just a couple months back left his job and is not finding a job that easily because he is already 60 (and I can’t expect him to.) My mother had been the one working, even through most of her radiation and chemo treatments. After her breast cancer was treated, she was fine for a while before she developed chronic cough, weight loss and exhaustion. She was given meds for acid reflux, for bacterial infections, cold, sinus, so on but nothing worked. Eventually she was diagnosed with TB (acquired during her chemo days with her immunity going down). All her TB symptoms disappeared after just two weeks of taking TB meds and she has been taking meds for over a year now. Now before stopping the meds, the docs asked to take a final X-ray and CT scan. Now the CT scan shows nodules on the lungs and thyroid. Online articles say that they could be cancer returning and in the past three weeks she has once again been coughing non-stop, has lost a lot of weight, has shortness of breath and tiredness. With TB meds still being taken, it can’t be due to TB. She has already been given meds for acid reflux and sinus, as well as antibiotics, but nothing has worked. Now with her having chronic cough for over 3 weeks and the scan showing sub centimetre nodules, i’m pretty much convinced it is lung cancer. The docs are yet to go through the report and it is expected to happen tomorrow. While the wait happens, i’m so nervous and having mild panic attacks.
Everyone who is born, has to die. No one is an exception. But i’m particularly concerned because my mom didn’t enjoy any of the things my friends’ moms have enjoyed. I haven’t done her proud by ‘wasting’ life on my writing (sorry one might find plenty of errors in this post, but my focus is not on being grammatically correct or aesthetically pleasing. It’s all just sorrow and fear pouring out, so please do excuse me.) I haven’t made her happy by marrying or at least having a girl friend or giving her grand kids, which she had been dreaming about for a long while. I’m really afraid that she might not get to live long enough to experience any of the good things that she deserves to enjoy. Guilt keeps plaguing me. Honestly, I just wanted to become a published writer and do her proud. But I have failed. Now it might be too late. I can’t marry or find a gf in this anxious mindset I am in right now and who knows how long my mom has. I’m trying to just see what things bother me presently.
1. Of course it is about losing my mom and missing her.
2. Me not having satisfied much of her desires as a responsible son must have.
3. The whole process of biopsy, radiation, chemo, all over again and the anxiety surrounding it.
4. The financial aspect, with our savings already depleted in her breast cancer treatment.
5. I also want her to undergo death in the most peaceful and painless manner, not struggling and suffering from cancer.
6. I have also spent so much time praying and trying to trust God with my life thus far. If she succumbs to cancer, then my faith in God will also shake. This faith is the only one that has kept me going thus far.
7. The whole hospital atmosphere and the horrid feeling surrounding it.
8. I know I will hate myself if after my mom passes on, I get all sorts of good stuff. I’m afraid I wouldn’t enjoy any of it without her having enjoyed it.
9. My concern of how the family would break.
10. Lack of siblings to help me around or close friends who are near me (most are overseas now).
11. Fear of if her body will be able to undergo more meds and treatment after all that she has been through.
12. My mom’s cousin who was at least 20 years younger than her, died a couple weeks ago from lung cancer as well. So this keeps making me more worried and scared.
So many of these thoughts flood my mind. I can’t find peace. Tomorrow and the following week is a big moment. The docs will come
back with a response to the reports. It is so overwhelming. As ever I don’t know what I’m expecting from posters here. I’m just pouring my thoughts down.