Have I tried hard enough?

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    This is something I’m experiencing and I can’t seem to figure out a way to fix or be ok with it.

    I have been friends with a girl (let’s call her A) for several years. Although we live in different cities but have tried to see each other once a year and keep in touch with messages and infrequent calls from time to time. Last year I was having some personal issues, depression hits hard for me and she had tried to be there for me.

    She has been struggling with a lot of health issues and require a lot of medical attention. I recently got a new job that I thought I was ready for but it turns out I wasn’t. I had a lot of anxiety with the job and I found it difficult to follow along in the beginning. I have been trying my best to learn and perform well at the job training (because I’m on a contract so I’m not permanent), which takes all of my energy and effort so I don’t have a lot of time for anything else. I can’t use my phone during training and I have to pay attention to learn because I was having a hard time. Normally I’m just exhausted mentally by the end of the day because I’ve used up all of my energy to be present and shows my best at work. I didn’t message or check in with her for about 3 weeks, then I called her and everything seems ok then. Another 3 weeks go by, I asked her if it was ok for me to call and chat, she declined and her reason being she does not want to talk on the phone. I have asked her then if she was upset with me but she said no. The following weeks up until now I have been trying to message her once a week just to check in and let her know I’m thinking of her. I also am busy with my own issues and trying to cope with work as well as not trying to overwhelmed her with all the messages so once a week seems appropriate for me.

    Recently, I have asked how she’s doing instead of just sending a message saying I’m thinking of her and hoping she has a good day etc. She never replied to my message, or even acknowledged any of my previous messages. I then send another message saying that my training is over, that I’m not restricted to phone usage anymore and I would like to reconnect more. I also express my apology saying that I should’ve been there for her more but I was dealing with my own personal issues plus work, I couldn’t cope. Again, no response…

    I understand that people can choose who they talk to and who they cut out of their life. It does feels like that’s the case her because she’s still talking to others and still active on social media so it is absolutely a choice that she choose not to talk to me anymore. This makes me feel extremely sad but also makes me feel bad as I let anxiety got the best of me, instead of keeping it together and deal with it, maybe then I could have more time to care for others but I didn’t. The sad part is that I tried making plans to go see her but I haven’t told her about them because they didn’t work out. I can’t drive so it does make it a bit more challenging to go visit anyone but I still make plans. First time didn’t happen because I got called into work. I then make another plan to go see her but we can’t really travel due to Covid-19 social distancing… it feels like the universe is against me.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this or have experienced similar situations? How do I go about dealing with this to ease my mind?

    Thanks for your time…


    Dear _____:

    If your Anonymous status happened by mistake, and you would like to receive replies to your thread, please let me know.



    Hi Anita,

    I would love some advice. I don’t know why the post come up as anonymous. I have created an account earlier and posted this topic but I couldn’t sign into the account and the post comes up as anonymous.

    I would really appreciate some advice on what to do, should I continue with pestering my friend with messages or should I leave her alone since clearly she does not want to communicate. The last message from her was a very short reply responding to a specific question.

    thanks so much


    Hi Anita,

    I was wondering if there will be a reply to my post above or I should repost in order to get a reply?



    Dear Em Xinh:

    I just noticed that you replied the day before yesterday, what probably happened is that it didn’t show that you submitted a reply on the page of Topics, so I didn’t know until a moment ago.

    You shared that you were friends with A for several days long distance, through “messages and infrequent calls from time to time”, and that you tried to see her once a year (I don’t know if you indeed saw her in person, or just tried to see her).

    When you got a job, based on contract (not permanent), you struggled with it, experienced a lot of anxiety about it, and had restricted telephone access during the training. Because of these things, you didn’t check in with her for about three weeks. You then called her, and three weeks later she told you that “she does not want to talk on the phone”. You thought she was upset with you, so you asked her if she was, and she said that she was not.

    The last message from her was “a very short reply responding to a specific person”. Following that, she didn’t reply or acknowledge your messages, including one where you apologized to her for not having been more available to her.  You know that “she’s still talking to others and still active on social media”, but chooses to not talk to you anymore.

    -Reads to me that you feel guilty for having been so anxious on the job, and that as a result, you were being available to her (“I let anxiety got the best of me, instead of keeping it together and deal with it, maybe then I could have more time to care for others”)-

    – I don’t think your guilt is valid, meaning, I don’t think that you did anything wrong. No one chooses anxiety, and you didn’t choose your anxiety.

    What you did choose is to take on a job, and you chose to persist in that job no matter how hard it was for you. This is commendable and admirable. Other people don’t look for a job, go through training, and complete the training, all through a lot of anxiety.

    Maybe your (former) friend, maybe she is not working, and so, she has time and the mental availability to communicate with others online/ on the phone. It is not fair for her to expect from you to be as available to her when you are working and she is not working, if that’s the case.

    * Also, other people she communicates with, maybe they don’t work either, or have easy jobs, and that’s how they have the time and mental availability for extensive online/ phone communication.

    “should I continue with pestering my friend with messages or should I leave her alone since clearly she does not want  to communicate”- definitely don’t pester her, don’t send her any more messages at all.

    You referred to her in the sentence I just quoted as “my friend”- she is no longer your friend.

    Regarding what I mentioned before: did your former friend have a job during the few years that you communicated regularly, and did you ever meet her in person?



    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by anita.
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