Hi Anita,

First of all, I would like to apologise it has taken me so long to reply to your message. Secondly, I would like to thank you. I know nothing else about you other than your name and for you to put so much energy and time into helping me is such a lovely gesture, so thank you.

You wrote to me ‘please stay calm’ as you explained why I feel this certain way. But funnily enough, it was a relief for me to read everything that you wrote. I for some reason find it very calming to know that I am the problem and not someone else… maybe because I know I have control over my life, but not over anyone else’s. I think you are very right, I have a lot of growing to do.

And yes! You are also very right in saying that I cope with my anxiety by becoming very energetic. I often overwork myself and even though I seem happy, I realise all of my energy comes from a place of angst and by the end of the day I am absolutely worn out. Let me tell you why I also feel that you are right.

My boyfriend came to visit me that weekend and I tried to not overthink, and simply enjoy him for who he is, and accept every moment, go with the flow and so on. And guess what! Everything was perfect. We had a lovely weekend and we both really enjoyed ourselves. We spoke a lot, shared lots of love and laughter and when he was gone, I didn’t feel any sadness or guilt (about me ruining our time together) I simply felt ok and satisfied. I think a lot of my overthinking comes from the fact that I feel dissatisfied about our time together – I feel like there is something missing. However, there is an obvious correlation. When I do NOT feel mentally well and stable, I end up feeling unsatisfied and like there is something missing. When I am happily living in the moment and do not let my rumination get the better of me, I always feel satisfied. It is shocking to me just how twisted my reality can become when I let my mind take over.

It was our anniversary recently and he bought me the most perfect gift – a night for just us two in the most beautiful cottage in a town I love very much. He also bought me red roses, champagne and wrote a wonderful card. I was saddened and felt guilty again however by the fact that I just couldn’t appreciate it. I felt myself ruminating again and although I could tell it was such a wonderful gift, I kept thinking about how small my gift was and how bad I feel and how I don’t feel like I’m enough for him or can appreciate the things he does for me. Sadly this did ruin our trip a little bit and I came home upset yet again. What I feel most is guilt – for letting myself ruin a wonderful weekend for us. I can’t believe I let it happen once again. But all I can do is learn from this.

I have to become a stronger and more confident individual within myself. I have to learn to love myself and take care of myself. I feel I have been getting closer and closer to my goal of feeling calm, but I think the problem lies with the fact that when I feel myself getting better, I let go, whereas in fact I should keep going. I saw a spiritual post on the internet and I took it as a sign – it reads “Do not rob yourself of the potential for growth by walking away from relationships every time they get turbulent.” Maybe this is all I need to overcome. My boyfriend is here to teach me to love myself and to finally settle down with who I am. Maybe if I overcome this, I will have learnt an amazing life lesson that I will forever cherish, all thanks to my boyfriend. (this is my ideal situation, at least)

Thank you so much for your time, Anita. I think no matter how much I reach out to people now, it is all up to me. I have a loving family, a loving, kind and supportive boyfriend and I have all the things around me that I could ever want. Now it’s time for me to work on myself and appreciate the beauty of everyday, good and bad.

Fruzsina