To describe what I am feeling – words do no justice.
The story sounds crazy even to me, but here goes:

I was with a man for almost 3 years. For about 2 1/2, I could say he was fairly codependent. I made up excuses, but I think that’s what he was. He basically had no friends – no real friends. Just work friends (he travels for work). I KNOW how he felt because I had felt that in the past with romantic partners. For that reason, I think I made it okay; I understood.

Looking at my own behavior, and it took me a long while to realize the extent of it, I was controlling. Ego wants to make excuses for it because the bf allowed it. He wanted it. He once said something along the lines of “I like that you keep me in my place.” I didn’t take it to mean, “Treat me like shit.” Rather, I think he could be mouthy with men in the past. I’m not a man that guys do that with. Like I said, I’m sometimes controlling.

But so was he. In subtle, passive aggressive ways. I don’t think either of us was aware of how controlling he was.
At one point I insisted that he go to Al-Anon meetings because he was smothering me. I wanted him to have friends and a good life. I thought that our relationship should only be part of a good life. The icing on the cake – not the cake.

So this is a man who I traveled with, opened much of heart to (as much as I could), shared with, moved to a new place with, adopted cats with, made future plans with.

He met a friend at work earlier this year. They became close in a very fast way. He thought she was hysterically funny; I didn’t. But I was glad that he had a friend.
A friend. One.
So many things come to me now – why did I not open my eyes to it then?
I feel ashamed and stupid and then back to ashamed.

We moved into a bigger place in July (had been living in a one-bedroom with cats). I thought so many of our problems would be solved! I found myself, for the first time in years, actually missing him when he was at work.
Yet there was the controlling part of me. I loved him. I took care of him. I wanted good for him. But I still judged his mannerisms sometimes (I cringe that I did that).

He began to get distant a couple weeks after we moved into this place. It was also when he began to work every shift with his new friend (a couple ignorant people have suggested he was bisexual; I would be more surprised at that than if he could fly; the guy is 100% gay). He also texted her constantly. I felt jealous sometimes, and noted it. I didn’t say anything.

I started to feel very insecure and he was pulling away. Believe me, I know that a needy man is not sexy. It was because of my own past neediness that I was able to be compassionate toward his past neediness re: that. I think many men would have left him during the first couple years.

We had a huge fight in early October of this year. I felt no interest coming from him; rather, I felt some disdain. He had gone from ALL interest in me to seeming NO interest. He also started snapping and being mean sometimes (I’m not an angel, either. I make amends for my mistakes. So did he, mostly. But either I started feeling sensitive more often, or he was snapping more; I’m not quite sure.). I asked him, while he was on a trip, if he wanted to break up with me. It sure seemed like he did. Professing love but not being around are words and actions not matching. That stuff makes me nuts. I think he knew that and started to not care. And THAT really hurt.
He told me that he had shown his friend my e-mails and text messages and she agreed that I was crazy. I was indignant. I was hurt. That was a bad fight. I cursed at him and insulted him; he did the same. We had never fought like that for the first 2 1/2 years. We had hardly fought at all.
I profusely and sincerely apologized the next day. I had a spiritual awakening about much of my behavior and changed it.

It took me a while and some talks with a friend of mine to realize that I wasn’t ready for him to have this friend.

But I felt her influencing him. He was preoccupied with her. I watched them together. They had no boundaries. She took a phone call from her own boyfriend here once, and he paused the movie we were watching and sat quietly while she talked on the phone. It was bizarre to me that she didn’t excuse herself and go to another room.

He had also always lied – little stupid lies – throughout the relationship. People would say, “Jeff, we all lie. You’re being too hard on him. He’s afraid. Have compassion.” So I did. The lies made me crazy, but I “forgave” because of compassion.
Or was it because I was afraid of being alone?
Yeah, that was partly it.
And I loved him.
I hoped he would change.
I hoped, with my directness and honesty, he would learn by example, how to communicate.
My mistake: I didn’t accept him with all his flaws. Nor did he learn the lesson I thought he should.

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying that I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore. I did this because I wanted change – again, from his end, changing his actions to satisfy me – and reassurances of love.

He responded that afternoon, “I picked up a trip. We’ll work it out when I get back.”
I was furious and sad and afraid, but gave him his space.

But he didn’t return from the trip.
I e-mailed him 4 days later. He replied, “I’m not sending the trip. I’ll tell you when I’m coming home when I want to come home.”
I literally laughed out loud at this. It was so juvenile. And thoughtless. I was in shock as well.

Last Tuesday he came home while I was at work and moved all of his things out. No note. No explanation. He took the cats we adopted together. I begged him via e-mail to return my cat.
“No. The keys are at the front desk.”

This has been one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.
I do see where he became more distant in the past months.
But I never ever expected something like this. We always said we would enter counseling before breaking up.
His behavior reminds me of someone who used cocaine or has a manic episode. But he can’t use drugs because of his job and there was no sign of mental illness.

I am filled with hate sometimes. Such a rare and dark hatred toward him and the friend (I know him and know he would not have concocted something like this on his own…but the choices were his).
I watch Jack Kornfield videos and go to 12-step meetings and read spiritual words and talk to friend and write because the only way to get through this – for ME – is to forgive.
But each day I come home to this apartment, worry about money, and wonder why he left. He gave no explanation. It is a terrible feeling.
So any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.
Thank you for reading this long post.