Home→Forums→Relationships→He doesn't feel a spark?
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August 3, 2017 at 7:45 am #161870
Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
When we are not aware of what is happening, we cannot learn and as a result we repeat the same behaviors that didn’t work in the past. You wrote that it is difficult for you “not knowing what happened”- just like with your previous short relationship (other thread), you didn’t know. You rushed there, you rushed here and found yourself not knowing what happened.
In the previous relationship you spent a lot of time wonder what you did wrong, same here, you are wondering how you “ruined a good thing”.
I hope you are not in the same situation 10, 20, 30 years from now, rushing, finding yourself not knowing what happened, wondering what it was that you did wrong, how you ruined a good thing.
* I wonder if you expressed this very thing to him, since I don’t see any harm in asking, if you tell him that you feel that you ruined a good thing with him and that you will appreciate if he can help you with this, if he can give you any honest input on how you may have ruined a good thing, so you can learn from your experience with him?
anita
August 3, 2017 at 8:51 am #161898laelithia
ParticipantHi Anita,
You are right, I DO know what went wrong, or how I “ruined” it- by rushing in too quickly. I suppose what I’m frustrated about is why these men let it happen too. In fact, they also contributed to things moving too fast. The difference seems to be that I can still objectively see the potential in the other person as a match, with now taking things slower. Instead, with this man and the one before, they seem to “replace” my role so quickly by talking to another woman, that it seems like there is no benefit in trying with me anymore.
I am trying now to figure out how to handle this current situation. It has been left open ended, he said he thinks he would still like to see me when he gets back on Wednesday, but that we should “wait and talk about it and figure it out more”, that was on Sunday. We’ve talked a little since then, but nothing of any significance, and yesterday was the first day I did not hear from him at all. I do not know where we stand now. My friends and family have encouraged me to not contact him at all, to let him come to me. They seem to think that if we have any chance in the future, it would have to be that way rather than me contacting him.
However, now that I know he is actively talking to this other woman (I can see him online frequently), I feel rather stupid waiting around for what may never come (him to contact me again). At this point, it seems to me even if he did come back and want to try taking things slower with me once he is home again next week, he would hold all the power in the relationship, and I would essentially be an option rather than a priority. Before, I was willing to accept this as I felt that it was my consequence for once again rushing into the relationship, but now I am not so sure.
When I work with clients, I tell them to trust their instincts, and to go with their gut. At this point, I’m worried that my instincts are not leading me in a positive direction (rushing once again), and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I want to talk to him, to clarify exactly where we stand and to point out that I’ve realized my error in not managing the pace, but I also fear of coming across as too invested once again and risk losing more of my dignity and essentially pushing him further away into the arms of this other woman. I’m very conflicted, and as such, I have not done anything.
August 3, 2017 at 9:05 am #161904Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
I don’t think you ruined the relationship by rushing. Rushing made it impossible for you to evaluate the man before getting involved so to figure out if a relationship with him is a good idea.
The rushing point, my point, is not that he didn’t like your rushing and judged you negatively for it, it is that rushing is not a good idea in any relationship, it causes us to operate in the dark. To see where we are going, we have to slow down and look around: who is this person? What does he value? What motivates him? What do I value and what motivates me…etc.
It reads to me like you place yourself as a subject for the man to grade and that you are given, twice in a row now, a less than satisfactory grade.
It reads to me like you view yourself as subject to a man’s grade, and that it doesn’t matter who the man is. Thing is you have to evaluate a man first, know him well, before taking his evaluation of you/ the .. grade he gives you as something valid to you.
anita
August 3, 2017 at 9:51 am #161910laelithia
ParticipantHi Anita,
You are exactly right, us rushing into the relationship robbed us both of the opportunity to evaluate each other as partners. This is what I feel bad about losing, and what I’m hoping I will still have a chance for, if we can continue to see each other but on more casual terms.
I have also definitely felt this way in the past, that I did not “measure up” to what they were looking for. More and more though, I’m realizing that I think it is my neediness, pretending to be who I think they would like, that they have given a bad grade to. In fact, they have all been able to objectively point out all my great qualities, that they wish they felt differently about me, as on paper I’m “perfect”.
Thank you for remembering so much about my last relationship experience. I do feel that the similarity of jumping in too soon is there, but there are many other differences in that I think this dynamic was a lot healthier for me. What bothers me the most is that he seems to focus on this lack of “spark” between us, when I really think about it, it was there at the beginning, but I believe it was smothered by becoming too comfortable with each other too soon.
With that all being said, do you think it’s best not to initiate contact? Or begin a light conversation, possibly when he gets back home?
August 3, 2017 at 10:24 am #161918Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
Before answering your question at the end of your recent post best I can, I am attending to what you wrote earlier in the post: “pretending to be who I think they would like”-
Your presented pretense, then, was successful on paper but failed in real life (“they have all been able to objectively point out all my great qualities, that they wish they felt differently about me, as on paper I’m ‘perfect’”).
In real life, they can tell, then, that the pretense is only that, a pretense. Perhaps that spark (in the title of your thread) was gone with this man’s realization that your great qualities were only on paper.
Can you list those “great qualities…on paper” on one hand, and on the other, your real-life qualities?
*Will soon be away fro the computer for about 20 hours.
anita
August 3, 2017 at 10:38 am #161920laelithia
ParticipantHi Anita,
The great qualities that he said I possessed were that he thinks I’m intelligent, educated and have a successful career, beautiful and his type physically (I am half Asian and half European, he said he’s always dreamed of dating a “mixed” girl), come from a good family and are close with them, and am funny and a joy to be around.
I don’t think that these qualities are only on paper, I think the reason he felt the spark/attraction leave (if I were to guess) is because I am often trying to hard to please the man, to do whatever he wants to do, give up my plans to meet his, that I don’t seem confident. In the past, I have seen men that I have dated become smitten over women that I feel are less attractive, less successful and less charming than I think I am, but I have noticed that they don’t seem to “bend” to fit a man like I do.
This is what I can’t stop myself from wondering now, what if I hadn’t done that? What if I had been confident and assured of my positive qualities and what if I had continued to live my life the way I had when he wasn’t in it?
August 4, 2017 at 4:10 am #162058Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
There is only one way to find out the answers to your questions in the last paragraph and that is to act confident in your next relationship and see what happens. Better yet, act confident regardless of what happens, for the exercise itself.
People do find confidence very attractive. When one person in a relationship is truly confident, it gives the other person in the relationship comfort, the feeling he/she can rely on the confident one, that there is safety in relying on the confident one.
Men need that kind of safety no less than women do. When you bend any which way so to please a man, if the man is motivated to enjoy such submission any which way he can, then he will enjoy it. If a man is a decent man, if he is decent, then such submission will be a burden for him.
No matter how much understanding you gather as to the Why of you have been “trying to hard to please the man, to do whatever he wants to do, give up my plans to meet his”, it is only the practice of confident, assertive behavior (regardless of how you feel), that will make a good difference in your life. Take every opportunity to practice this, no opportunity is to be bypassed, however small. Each small practice will lead to a bigger practice until eventually, you are as confident in real life as you are on paper.
anita
August 4, 2017 at 7:26 am #162108laelithia
ParticipantThank you so much, Anita. I’ve saved your reply, I will read it any time I become confused and unsure of myself.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about what you said earlier, about my logical reasoning being much more developed than my emotional reasoning. I think that is very accurate. Do you have any other strategies to develop that emotional side?
Thank you again so much!
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This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by
laelithia.
August 4, 2017 at 8:56 am #162134Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
Do you remember enjoying drawing or coloring when you were a child? Any particular game you liked to play? If you can re-create such a game or draw/ color, approach such an activity with as much of that mindset you had then, relaxing into the activity, focusing on the colors, the smell of the crayons, of the feel of these in your hands. And draw, play.
When we were children we experienced emotions vividly, in a raw, unmitigated way. There is a reason we stopped feeling this way- the pain, the fear- we experienced those too, raw. And it overwhelmed us, scared us. We mitigated the fear, the pain and all of our emotions.
When you approach an activity you did as a child, when you try to reconnect, to feel again the way you did, so to increase that emotional reasoning you aim at increasing, you have to expect and accept that pain that you will feel.
Not so quickly, can’t be done quickly, simply by setting an objective. Slowly, a bit at a time, patiently, gently. The fear, the pain will not kill. It only feels this way.
We don’t feel that fear and pain intensely as we reconnect; the brain/ body protects us this way, as it has before. It shuts down and we withdraw. Over time, when we feel safe enough to feel again, the way we did, we stop fearing the fear, the pain.
anita
August 4, 2017 at 5:47 pm #162232laelithia
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for this great advice. I set some time today to really revisit the mindset I had as a child. When I did that, I felt the rejection the most. I don’t I was truly rejected by my parents or family, but looking back with the mindset of a child, I thought that I wasn’t good enough. But I also thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be. This is what I have been doing with men.
I spoke with him once again last night, and he said he thinks the only chance we have of rekindling this spark is too take a month or so and see if we both want to try again. I’m disappointed that he didn’t want to continue to see if it could come back over time, part of me regrets asking him if he’d be willing to try, but I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I’m truly saddened by all of this. I was really enjoying spending time with him, and he said he was with me too. I feel so sad that when he gets back next week, I won’t be seeing him. I wish I could have gotten a handle of my emotions when we were apart, that I didn’t get overly invested too soon, and in turn rush the pace of the relationship. Today I keep finding myself thinking about our first real date, how excited I was to meet the person I had been talking to on the phone for two weeks, seeing how excited and nervous he was to meet me. How we had such a wonderful date, how I could see how interested he was in me. I wish I could go back so deeply. I wish I could have been true to myself, been disciplined, and started a new path away from unhealthy patterns. I’m also grieving what could have been, which I think I’m struggling the most with right now.
August 5, 2017 at 3:09 am #162254Marie
ParticipantHello, why don’t you cut your communication and move on.
August 5, 2017 at 7:35 am #162284Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
You are welcome.
In your last three lines you wrote: “I wish I could have been true to myself, been disciplined… I’m also grieving what could have been, which I think I’m struggling the most with right now.”
My question to you: if you were true to yourself and disciplined, what would you have done differently: how would true-to-herself laelithia look like/ sound like/feel like in that past, short relationship?
What is it that “could have been”?
anita
August 9, 2017 at 8:44 pm #163212laelithia
ParticipantHi Maria,
I have now cut communication, I think your advice is spot on.
Anita,
Sadly, I think I would have done most things differently in the relationship, if we can even call it that. I would have checked in with myself to see how I felt about how things were going, and made decisions from that stand point rather than what I could say or do to get him to like me. It seems so immature and childish, yet when I look back, most of my behaviours were in essence to gain approval and increased desire from him, when in reality, I believe doing so did the opposite. For instance, I wouldn’t have been physically intimate when I wasn’t ready, I would have completely pulled away when he mentioned the first time that “spark” not being there, I would not have opened up and been as vulnerable as I was to someone that was showing waning interest in me. Another thing I wouldn’t have done was pay for many of our dates, as if I had to reimburse him for spending time with me.
When I look back to what “could have been”, before I saw more of how the relationship could have succeeded. Now, I see it as how I could have been more true to myself, respected myself more. I am nervous now, as today is his first day back home in our city. I haven’t heard from him, and I’m not sure that I will for the next two weeks that he is back, but I’m oddly worried about it. I think perhaps I’m worried of falling back to old patters, and having him take advantage of me again. I have refocused my time and energy into other endeavours (studying for my licensing exam, dating others when I have time), so I don’t think I would like to see him again. It’s sad though, because I don’t think our relationship needed to end the way it did. I suppose if I’m truly honest, I do still wonder if he and I would be in this same place had I respected my boundaries, and honoured my wishes as well as his. I did not value myself when I was with him, and I wonder if this impacted his decision to do the same.
August 10, 2017 at 4:01 am #163258Anonymous
GuestDear laelithia:
About what you would have done differently, you wrote:
“I would have checked in with myself to see how I felt about how things were going, and made decisions from that stand point rather than what I could say or do to get him to like me”
In other words, you would have made yourself the center from which you operate; it would not have been him in that center. Your motivations, your feelings, your values would be your center-of-operations, correct?
“most of my behaviours were in essence to gain approval and increased desire from him”- the center from which you operated was occupied by him, not by you. He was your focus, your concern, your priority while you were absent. Basically, you operated while absent.
“I wouldn’t have been physically intimate when I wasn’t ready” In other words, you would have been considerate of yourself, you would have had you in the center of your operations. It would have been: laelithia is not ready for physical intimacy-> laelithia is not going to be engaged in physical intimacy. Instead of what it was: man wants physical intimacy-> man must be accommodated.
“Now, I see it as how I could have been more true to myself, respected myself more”-
“I do still wonder if he and I would be in this same place had I respected my boundaries, and honoured my wishes as well as his. I did not value myself when I was with him, and I wonder if this impacted his decision to do the same”- I am thinking you are likely to be in the same place you are now in future relationships as well, or be in a different unhealthy situation in the future as well, for as long as you are absent in that center-of-operations, as long as it is someone else who takes precedence.
I have lived a lifetime of being absent. I highly recommend you don’t spend the next few decades this way.
As weird or strange as it may feel, place yourself in the center of your life. It is you who should be in the center of your life. It is your rightful place, rightful location. No well-being is possible if you are not there.
anita
August 10, 2017 at 7:21 am #163296laelithia
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your reply. I feel this is what I must do, that I must change my focus from others to myself. I’ve learned what that means in dating, but I’m not sure how to go about it now, in healing.
As sad as it is, as soon as I wake up, I think of him and what happened. Each day. I’m trying very hard to clear my head of him and the pain of the self betrayal and rejection from him, but my mind wanders and I feel it over and over again throughout the day.
He is back in our city now, and I have not (and don’t expect to) heard from him. I imagine I’m nothing more than a distant memory to him now, a fling that served its purpose. Yet I feel wounded, distracted, and anxious because I allowed our “ending” to be open-ended (I.e. Agreeing to a “month off”).
I’ve thought about asking to meet with him, to explain my perspective and to express my desire that it’s either now or never, as in we could date more casually now and see where it goes, or go our separate ways. I do not feel comfortable with a month off, as in that time I will heal, and I do not want to work so hard to get over someone, and then have them come back when it is too late.
What do you think of this idea? I asked the universe (I am not religious) last night for piece of mind. More than anything, I want to forget all that happened, and focus on myself and enjoying this life. As it is now, I feel anchored to pain and regret. -
This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by
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