Hi Anita,

You are right, I DO know what went wrong, or how I “ruined” it- by rushing in too quickly. I suppose what I’m frustrated about is why these men let it happen too. In fact, they also contributed to things moving too fast. The difference seems to be that I can still objectively see the potential in the other person as a match, with now taking things slower. Instead, with this man and the one before, they seem to “replace” my role so quickly by talking to another woman, that it seems like there is no benefit in trying with me anymore.

I am trying now to figure out how to handle this current situation. It has been left open ended, he said he thinks he would still like to see me when he gets back on Wednesday, but that we should “wait and talk about it and figure it out more”, that was on Sunday. We’ve talked a little since then, but nothing of any significance, and yesterday was the first day I did not hear from him at all. I do not know where we stand now. My friends and family have encouraged me to not contact him at all, to let him come to me. They seem to think that if we have any chance in the future, it would have to be that way rather than me contacting him.

However, now that I know he is actively talking to this other woman (I can see him online frequently), I feel rather stupid waiting around for what may never come (him to contact me again). At this point, it seems to me even if he did come back and want to try taking things slower with me once he is home again next week, he would hold all the power in the relationship, and I would essentially be an option rather than a priority. Before, I was willing to accept this as I felt that it was my consequence for once again rushing into the relationship, but now I am not so sure.

When I work with clients, I tell them to trust their instincts, and to go with their gut. At this point, I’m worried that my instincts are not leading me in a positive direction (rushing once again), and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I want to talk to him, to clarify exactly where we stand and to point out that I’ve realized my error in not managing the pace, but I also fear of coming across as too invested once again and risk losing more of my dignity and essentially pushing him further away into the arms of this other woman. I’m very conflicted, and as such, I have not done anything.

Hi Anita,

You are exactly right, us rushing into the relationship robbed us both of the opportunity to evaluate each other as partners. This is what I feel bad about losing, and what I’m hoping I will still have a chance for, if we can continue to see each other but on more casual terms.

I have also definitely felt this way in the past, that I did not “measure up” to what they were looking for. More and more though, I’m realizing that I think it is my neediness, pretending to be who I think they would like, that they have given a bad grade to. In fact, they have all been able to objectively point out all my great qualities, that they wish they felt differently about me, as on paper I’m “perfect”.

Thank you for remembering so much about my last relationship experience. I do feel that the similarity of jumping in too soon is there, but there are many other differences in that I think this dynamic was a lot healthier for me. What bothers me the most is that he seems to focus on this lack of “spark” between us, when I really think about it, it was there at the beginning, but I believe it was smothered by becoming too comfortable with each other too soon.

With that all being said, do you think it’s best not to initiate contact? Or begin a light conversation, possibly when he gets back home?

Hi Anita,

The great qualities that he said I possessed were that he thinks I’m intelligent, educated and have a successful career, beautiful and his type physically (I am half Asian and half European, he said he’s always dreamed of dating a “mixed” girl), come from a good family and are close with them, and am funny and a joy to be around.

I don’t think that these qualities are only on paper, I think the reason he felt the spark/attraction leave (if I were to guess) is because I am often trying to hard to please the man, to do whatever he wants to do, give up my plans to meet his, that I don’t seem confident. In the past, I have seen men that I have dated become smitten over women that I feel are less attractive, less successful and less charming than I think I am, but I have noticed that they don’t seem to “bend” to fit a man like I do.

This is what I can’t stop myself from wondering now, what if I hadn’t done that? What if I had been confident and assured of my positive qualities and what if I had continued to live my life the way I had when he wasn’t in it?

Thank you so much, Anita. I’ve saved your reply, I will read it any time I become confused and unsure of myself.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about what you said earlier, about my logical reasoning being much more developed than my emotional reasoning. I think that is very accurate. Do you have any other strategies to develop that emotional side?

Thank you again so much!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for this great advice. I set some time today to really revisit the mindset I had as a child. When I did that, I felt the rejection the most. I don’t I was truly rejected by my parents or family, but looking back with the mindset of a child, I thought that I wasn’t good enough. But I also thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be. This is what I have been doing with men.

I spoke with him once again last night, and he said he thinks the only chance we have of rekindling this spark is too take a month or so and see if we both want to try again. I’m disappointed that he didn’t want to continue to see if it could come back over time, part of me regrets asking him if he’d be willing to try, but I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I’m truly saddened by all of this. I was really enjoying spending time with him, and he said he was with me too. I feel so sad that when he gets back next week, I won’t be seeing him. I wish I could have gotten a handle of my emotions when we were apart, that I didn’t get overly invested too soon, and in turn rush the pace of the relationship. Today I keep finding myself thinking about our first real date, how excited I was to meet the person I had been talking to on the phone for two weeks, seeing how excited and nervous he was to meet me. How we had such a wonderful date, how I could see how interested he was in me. I wish I could go back so deeply. I wish I could have been true to myself, been disciplined, and started a new path away from unhealthy patterns. I’m also grieving what could have been, which I think I’m struggling the most with right now.