Dear Kat:

This man, “a kind, gentle and intelligent soul”,  told you that he has Asperger’s and that he suffers from depression and anxiety, and he opened up to you about the serious abuse he has suffered in his past, (but later told you that his feelings for you changed after he told you about his abuse). The two of you dated for a short while, and “Right at the point where we had become super close/ more connected than ever he became distant and stopped calling”. Soon after he told you that “he fears intimacy”, and asked if you’d “be open to being friends for now”. You agreed and were friends for two months in which the two of you were in frequent contact and spent time together, but no physical intimacy. You wanted to resume a romantic/physical relationship with him but agreed to continue to be friends with him because “losing him completely is almost too much to bear” (Feb 2019). By the end of March, the two of you “have grown even closer… basically doing the things we did together as a couple but now only as ‘friends'”. During a business trip he took, he contacted you multiple times a day and asked to see you the day after his return home. “To me”, you wrote, “this is more than friends behavior. Even the way he looks at me feels like more”.

April 21 (exactly two months ago), you posted, “I decided being friends with me at this time isn’t for me. I didn’t start dating him to be his friend, y’know?” You told him how you felt and that you wanted a romantic relationship with him and asked if he shared your feelings. He said that he shared your feelings exactly and that he does want “to develop the relationship and see where it takes us”. You wrote at the time, that you “feel much calmer and better about things”, and that you are “looking forward to seeing what happens”.

Two months later, today, you wrote that soon after the communication above, he left to another country (that was an expected move, planned way before), and he asked if you’d “consider moving there with him” later, when your job contract ends. You told him that you will consider it. While residing in different countries, you kept in frequent contact. Soon enough you booked a trip to see him, he picked you up at the airport and “it was romantic and wonderful. He cooked me meals, we explored together, we were intimate”. And then, during the trip, he told you: “this is getting too serious. I’m not ready. I just want ‘casual'”, that “he didn’t really know who he was, or who he was going to be”, that he “was still too ’emotionally immature’ for the type of relationship” you deserve. Shortly before the visit ended, he asked you for an open relationship, wanting you to be “his primary partner while going on dates with others”. You said no, and “his face just fell. He said he had shared things with me that he hadn’t shared with anybody and that he would miss me terribly”, and asked if the two of you “could still keep in touch”. You said no, and that you didn’t want to hear from him anymore. After that conversation, you spent another intimate night together and at this point your choice is “going NC”, but you doubt it is the right choice for you.

Would you like my input, Kat?

anita

Dear kat:

He told you during your recent visit with him that “he didn’t really know who he was, or who he was going to be”-

– by “who he was going to be”, he has been considering being an open relationship man, and he already uses the open relationship glossary (“He.. wanted me to be his primary partner“).

There are many men and women who have explored and are engaged in open relationships, having multiple sexual partners, sometimes in the same place and time. People engaged in this lifestyle are from many childhood backgrounds, some maybe didn’t suffer any abuse in their childhood. What unifies all people in this lifestyle is the curiosity about/ desire to have sex with multiple partners and/ or the desire to please a partner who is curious/ desires multiple partners.

Are you considering his offer?

anita

Dear Kat:

Of course you did the right thing, absolutely. No contact with him is the right thing for you. I was concerned that because you feel so much love for him and have felt it for so long, that you will be willing (later if not now, when you miss him intensely, perhaps) to give in to what he wants and do what you don’t want to do, that is, share him with other women.

Plus, he is exploring things, and if you did give in to his recent exploration by being his primary partner, who knows what is next on his exploration path, it can be a slippery slope that endanger your emotional health. The more time and effort a person invests in another, the more inclined the person is to invest more. So, if you “invested” by being his primary partner, you are likely to invest further, in the future, perhaps by … attending group sex, or whatever it is he will explore next. You may not see yourself doing this now, but over time and “investing”… you know what I mean?

anita

Dear Kat:

I may understand him a bit better, what motivates him, what he struggles with and how important you are to him, if you tell me a bit about what he shared with you, regarding “a sexual abuse in his past”- not details, I don’t want those and it will be perhaps a betrayal of his trust in you, sharing it anywhere, but in general, regarding his childhood?

anita

Dear Kat:

I have no doubt his mother, who “has had a huge role in his life” means a whole lot in this situation with you. Anything more about his relationship with his mother?

anita

Hi Kat,

Your sharing this difficult situation sure hit home with me today! I am very close friends with J since December. We were very attracted to each other and he was all over me. I slowed things down and we have been enjoying so many things together: walks in the woods, sharing stories, exchanging an amazing amount of creativity. But every time we’d get close he’d create a smokescreen of something: the old relationship with the x girlfriend Narcissist and her entire family whom he would visit for a few days out of almost every week. He’d come back and vent out the horror stories and I’d comfort him and help him understand what he may be going through: since I had a lot to heal from myself with a Narc mother who had just recently passed away. He lives very near where I do. We have spent many days out of the time he is here together. I’ve helped him with my art skills and he has helped me. We both love the friendship and sometimes we have been intimate, but not kissing, or in the usual affectionate way.

Although this man has tons of compassion, will work hard to please others (especially those who don’t appreciate him), and has many qualities I admire, this relationship has caused me as much stress and anxiousness as the pleasure of our friendship or intimacy. It seems to me he is has the Dismissive or Fearful Attachment Style and I am still not quite over being insecure attachment, although meditation and my other good habits has made me more of a Secure type.

I just wonder if your former friend/boyfriend may have been this type of person. They run from love and closeness.

J recently asked me, “What are you going to do when I bring someone over to my apartment? I want superficial sex, and I can have several too. I don’t want a romantic relationship. I don’t believe in love.”   etc, etc! But all the while he calls me and keeps me close by. Yeah, this totally sucks!! I feel your pain!!  And we aren’t youngsters either. We are in our 60s!

I never had such a fun and satisfying friendship with a man. We have gotten so close. But this is maddening.

Any comments?