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*Heart in Despair- No where else to turn*

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • January 25, 2016 at 11:46 am #93624
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Hello,
    I shall keep this is brief as possible. I appreciate any insight, as I literally have no one I can share my issue with, and my stress levels are at a bad point right now. In addition to my heart feeling like it’s twisted in knots. I also feel like such a bad person.

    Years ago in college, I lived across the hall from a young man. I had recently split from my first “real” adult relationship. We got to talking, found out he had a girlfriend, etc. After some time, he turned my head to his & kissed me. I felt like I was in a dream like state; the kiss was electric. Without getting into too much detail, we had sex. It was brief, but amazing. We both felt guilty afterwards-as he had a girlfriend, and for me…I had never done something like that before. However, over the course of a few months, we slept together a handful of times.
    This soon ended, and a few months later, I met my now husband. He is a wonderful man-kind, sensitive, caring, handsome- really “gets” me. I suspect that even if “college” guy were single, we wouldn’t have been compatible (I am artsy, a dreamer, w/ a soft heart; he’s scientific, blunt).

    I know a small part of me grew feelings for college guy, and in the ensuing years, I never forgot about him or our “encounters.” 2011 was a teaumatic year for me, and due to my husband’s work, it can be stressful. Due to that fact, and his low self esteem (he had a rough childhood, doesn’t think he is very attractive, etc), my husband & I haven’t been intimate in 6 yrs. We are affectionate in every other way. It did bother me-but not until college guy contacted me on Facebook a year ago.

    I was surprised, and our initial convos were decent. He married his college girlfriend, and by mutual agreement, they have an open marriage. To cut a long story short, due to friction, left over sexual tension, his boasting about his conquests….we bickered and I “unfriended” him a few times. Eventually, we stopped talking.

    However…Pandora’s Box was opened. All those years of fantasizing about being with him one last time, etc made my lack of sexual intimacy with my husband a REAL issue. The good thing is–that tension prompted me to have a few indepth talks w/ hubby, who-to his credit- was open about hos self esteem issues etc and is trying to get over them.

    Fast forward to Jan. 8th. After a doctor’s appointment, I decided to nessage college guy to wish him Happy New Year. We had a civil talk, and I mentioned I was going to be back on the same coast next month. I should sdd that last time, we tried to connect, but due to bickering and my probably subconsciously sabotaging it, it never happened. This time, he purchased a ticket. I booked a hotel room. Even though I had conflicting emotions…I still felt excited at the prospect of seeing him (I know I sound likea horrible person).

    We have chatted a few times since…but some of his abrupt, blunt ways are creeping back. For example- I asked him if I could ask him a few personal questions & clear the air about a few things. He said ok–but when I would try to explain some things that for years have been on my mind, it was almost as if he were i different.

    This brings me to how I am feeling now. I want to see him, feel his touch, experience that desire again with him. An electricity that is dofferent from what I have experienced w/ my husband. However…I love my husband. But I have a feeling that I wouldn’t have many regrets spending one last time w/ this other person. But part of me feels like it won’t happen- due to weather related things, he might cancel, etc. I feel so torn and my heart is aching. I want to feel that same sexual electricity w/ my husband as I do with this other person. And I wish I could just shut off my emotions & say, “Well, if we meet or don’t, it doesn’t matter.” It does matter, which kills me to say it.

    Any advice, insight, and/or analysis would be greatly wrlcomed. I feel so tormented and my heart aches, for so many reasons!

    Thank you kindly for listening.

    January 25, 2016 at 12:39 pm #93630
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ultraviolet8:

    If you did get that one last time with the college guy, I don’t think it would be enough for you. It is like saying to yourself: this one last piece of this cake and I will never need cake again; one last big piece and it will take care of my cravings for the rest of my life.

    Your relationship with your husband, six years of lack of intimate relationship, which you need… this is to be attended to. How about couple psychotherapy/ counseling? As well as individual therapy for him…?

    If you would like to share more about the reason for six years of lack of physical intimacy with your husband, please do… doesn’t he need that kind of intimacy? How did you deal all this time with the lack of it while needing it? What does he say are his reasons? Has he tried to heal from his childhood and be available for you physically? Did you tell him you need physical intimacy with him and how did he reply to that?

    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 8:16 am #94195
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I apologize it took me a few days to reply. You are correct; one more experience with him would want me to have another, and another. He is not, nor am I, in the position to do that. And I know my heart, my yearning would cause me more stress and heartache, in the end.
    As far as my husband goes- we have discussed the situation frankly. His self esteem issues stem from his childhood, which was abusive. He doesn’t feel like he is good enough, etc. I compliment him, sincerely, often. While he does appreciate it…we are at square one, still. How have I been dealing w/ it? Patiently…but I yearn fir that level of intimacy again.

    I just feel stressed & torn. I know in my heart, if I slept w/ college guy again- I would end up hurting myself. Yet I am trying to be patient w/ my husband, for whom my desire is starting to wane due to the lack of intimacy all of these years.

    Thank you for listening.

    January 29, 2016 at 9:33 am #94199
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ultraviolet:

    I am guessing- and let me know if it is so- that your husband has doubts also about his sexual abilities? And that is the reason he is too afraid to attempt a sexual interaction with you, for fear of .. failing to perform?

    If this is so, we can discuss it further, you and me, here…Let me know.

    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 7:54 pm #94282
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Hi Antia,
    You are very kind to follow up with my post. You must be a busy lady, lol. To answer your question..he is concerned about “performance” due to his anxiety. I have told him that I love him, and that even touching and exploring other avenues is fine with me. I know he cares a lot about me, and is willing to discuss things, so that is a good thing.

    To update on a few things….I told college guy that I do care about him, and have had these feelings for him for a while, and that is why I have been closed off with him. He did listen…but of course being Facebook messages..it is hard to guage things. I hate that I still have such strong feelings for him. I have suppressed them for so long..and never thought I would speak to this guy again. He probably thought I was a loon, messaging him to tell him this, since I am an ocean away, and it is really early am my time zone.

    …I also said I did not think it was wise fo rme to tell him how I feel, but at least all my cards were out on the table. The bottom line is– I do love my husband, and he loves me. I know he is trying to work on things….and I am a very patient person. It’s just..the ONE person in my past…that could make me yearn for them so much…is now in my present. And I remember what you said, Antia..that one bite would not be enough. You are correct. And I know I am already hurting and feeling torn…and I haven’t even seen him …or ever will see him. So I guess I lose no matter what.

    January 29, 2016 at 8:22 pm #94285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ultraviolet8:

    Before attending to the other guy:

    Why don’t you have physical intimacy with your husband, I don’t understand. You love him and he loves you, you talked about touching and exploring other avenues and he is open to that? And… exploring other avenues hasn’t been done?

    Also, can you describe the love you do have with your husband? What kind of love is it?

    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 9:53 pm #94290
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I know it sounds a bit confusing, my apologies. I appreciate greatly your good questions. I’ll try to answer the best I can. Without going into a lot of detail- the kind of job my husband has can be high stress & demanding. Often times, it doesn’t leave a lot of time at the end of the day for good intimacy. Also…from 2011 I had a lot of family issues/ trauma that still affects me to this day, and just adds to the stress. Not the best excuses for lack of intimacy, but factors.

    My husband swears up & down he loves me in “all ways”, that he does want the intimacy…just that he has to “work out” his issues. I think he is slso afraid of trying, but not being able to fully be intimate, if you get my point. He has gone to a doctor, and all is normal. There is no one else in the picture, either.

    The kind of love we have…hmmmm. I know for him, he loves me very much. I love him as well…however (and this eas even before college guy came into view), due to the lack of intimacy…my desire for him has waned a bit. When you have gone along, for a while, w/o intimacy, it’s almost like you are empty. Our sex life used to be great. I still find him attractive. The problem is- lack of intimacy for a long period of time, coupled w/ this man reappearing, has made me confused, irritated, stressed, etc.

    January 30, 2016 at 8:47 am #94307
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ultraviolet8:

    So you and him trust each other and were worthy of each other trust so far? You and him love each other and trust each other, is that correct?

    If so, then tell your husband about your “Heart in Despair”- tell him. This is a problem for the two of you to tackle as a couple. You gave up on physical intimacy with him, almost completely, no longer wanting what you didn’t have for so long and he seems complacent about it. Tell him about your situation, however much you need to tell him so he understands your despair.

    Maybe it will be okay with him that you see this college guy… Maybe he will even welcome it. I don’t know… do you?

    As a loving couple, the way you present you and him, as two who love each other, share your despair, with him… and look for a solution together.

    If you look for the temporary solution you are now looking at, that is, getting together with the college guy behind your husband’s back, there will be “side effects” to the temporary pleasure, the guilt of betrayal that will sting way after the pleasure of that encounter is gone.

    Talk to him and post again, will you?

    anita

    January 30, 2016 at 10:54 am #94327
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    You are correct on many levels. Telling him, though…I hesitate to do that. It would shatter his world in a million pieces. I would have to think long & hard before doing that. I shall update you on what happens…I am really taking this time to figure out what I should do.
    It may be taken out of my hands- after confessing I have feelings for the other guy, he might just decide to cancel. Or weather might affect travel plans, who knows?

    Thank you kindly, Anita, for taking the time to help. I promise to come back and update things 🙂 Thank you.

    January 30, 2016 at 11:00 am #94332
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ultraviolet8:

    you are welcome, and please do post again. I would very much like to read updates on your situation… and regarding telling him, you choose of course, what and how much to tell him.. and when. But better tell him before trust is broken- and prevent trust from being broken- than after.

    anita

    January 30, 2016 at 11:25 am #94335
    Ultraviolet8
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. You are very wise. I shall think about it, & defintely update you.

    January 30, 2016 at 2:31 pm #94348
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Till your next update, take care, Ultraviolet8!
    anita

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