Dear dreamer04:

(I answered you in the identical thread, I believe, that you posted under a different title and user name, here is a copy:

I have no doubt that you felt real loving feelings to this guy who got married, and that you still do, as well as feelings of heartbreak.

I also have no doubt that you did not have a relationship with this man. And therefore he didn’t hurt you and he didn’t break your heart because there was no relationship. It only felt like there was a relationship.
In reality, you had a fantasy relationship with him with real feelings. Now that you like another guy, you are afraid to be hurt. The fear to be hurt would have been the same if you didn’t have the fantasy relationship.
I think you didn’t want to be hurt by the guy you loved for years and that is why you waited to be “good enough” for him so that he will not reject you.

The cause for your fear of rejection is not the fantasy relationship but BEFORE that.

What do you think of my understanding?

anita

Dear dreamer04:

I will try: you dreamed of a relationship with that man (your user name, after all, is “dreamer”)- it wasn’t a real-life relationship. It was a dream, a fantasy. Your imagination filled in the details of the relationship. Your loving and heartbreak feelings are real but the story is made-believe, a fiction.

What it means is that the fear of rejection you feel now about a potential relationship is not a result of that made-believe relationship and how it ended. The root, the cause of your fear is from before this made-believe relationship.

I suggested that the reason you got involved in an imaginary/ made-believe/ fictional relationship is because it was safe. Actually approaching the man you fell for would have been dangerous. You feared he will reject him and that is why, I believe, you postponed approaching him until you were “good enough” for him as in finishing your education and getting a good job.

I hope you proceed and form a real-life relationship in spite of your fear.

Will be back at the computer in a few hours.

anita

Dear dreamer04:

There is no rule on how long a feeling or a state of mind should last.

I think your heartbreak is lasting so long because you are afraid to make yourself available for a real-life love relationship. I think you may be holding on to Fantasy so to avoid Reality.

Best if you could attend competent therapy.

Post again, if you’d like and share about your fear of rejection: when did it start and what is happening regarding the man that you currently like?

anita

Dear dreamer04:

I know this state of mind. When this state of mind is strong, as it has been the case with me, and seems like it is with you as well, there is only one solution:

To keep the distance from people but make an exception for only ONE special person. Take your time studying and learning who a man is, talk to him, as questions (gently, not like a detective), observe him over time and only when you evaluate the man to be worthy of your trust, then get closer to him.

It is impossible to change and apply a trusting state of mind for all the people out there. It is also very unwise to do so, because many people are not trustworthy! So you make an exception, an educated exception.

anita

Dear dreamer04:

Yes, I can very much relate to your share, to your state of mind. It is bed time for me but will be back in about 12 hours and respond to you. In the meantime, if you want to write more about your state of mind and about your experiences in childhood that brought about this state of mind, please write more. Will be back.

anita

I relate to you on many levels. To start – my experiences growing up were very aggressive and traumatic and lacking in unconditional love, mature guidance, and directed support. Essentially I learned how to please every body else except for myself, and I was taught that taking care of oneself is selfish. (I am the adult child of a mother with NPD, or narcissist with personality disorder). I made some recent breakthroughs on my experience as I learned more about NPD, but that’s getting into a different can of worms.

I too have had not one, but two “love-you-from-a-distance” infatuations/fantasy lovers. The first person I was in high school. It was a tough time in my childhood, I was 14, freshman in high school (it’s 2009), and I saw her in the hallway during PE. From that moment on I was obsessed. I would look forward to PE every week day because I knew at some point I would see her in the hallway and every time it gave me an electric shock of endorphins when I saw her. I didn’t say anything to her for 6 months and I didn’t know any of the people that she hung out with so I simply looked forward to PE every day for the first half of the school year. Eventually I told my secret admiration to a close friend, she ended up giving my number to the girl (lets call her Shelby*) and we began talking that evening. She turned out to be the most abusive romantic interest I have ever been with. I still loved her, and it took about 6 years for me to realize that I love her, I always will love her, but she is not the person I want to be with. Today in 2016, after 6-7 years of being led-on and cheated on by her, there was even a whole 2 years she didn’t talk to me. Today in 2016 we are good friends. My feelings for her are the same. My heart still beats fast when I see her name come up on my phone. But I don’t have the desire to be with her anymore because I know she’s not the right person to be with in my life. I know if I am with her eventually she will find someone else. No matter how deeply I love her she is not the right person for me, but I still love her and support her as the role of a friend. Even in that two years she didn’t talk to me I still cared for her deeply. My love stands regardless of our relationship title.

Get this. I fell in love again. Someone else. I worked with him this time, but I was already in a long-term relationship (we lived together, a different man too). I fell so hard. Everything about this man was perfect for me in my eyes, too perfect. I didn’t believe he would actually be interested in me so I bit down my feelings (plus the fact I was in a relationship kept me quiet too). We eventually hung out and smoked together (something my then-boyfriend hated that I smoked, but this guy actually did it with me). Then I found out he was dating another coworker. I wasn’t hurt by that, but I have a strong belief that when someone is happy in a relationship you leave them alone and let them be happy. Don’t confuse them like Shelby did to me. So I left. I quit the job and moved a few hundred miles away. I still think about him a lot and I’m having a difficult time accepting that I made the best decision given the facts and the circumstances.

Was it a fantasy relationship? There definitely were aspects to both Shelby and (let’s call him Duke*) that were fantasies. For Shelby I thought she would just love having someone be loyal to her (she chronically chose toxic females). And Duke I thought he would be madly in love with me too and we would just naturally merge. The difference between the two situations is I never told Duke how I felt about him, we got to hang out, he was there for me when I was at my wits end with my relationship I had at the time, we are freakishly compatible. There were signs and signals he was into me, I don’t accept that it was a fantasy relationship through and through. There was something there, and it was real. I was making the healthiest decision for my self and for his sake. Yet I can’t help but feel like I should’ve at least told him “hey I have some real strong feelings for you, and I just need you to know how I feel so you can know.” I wish I would have layed my cards out on the table so to speak, because a lot of what bothers me is the “what if”
What if I had told him how I felt? I even treated him contrary to how I felt, I would just work with him as if he were every other person, because I knew he was in a relationship and I didn’t 1) want to be perceived as “thirsty” or trying to be a “homewrecker” I respect his relationship and 2) I didn’t know if he was happy/madly in love with this other girl and I wasn’t trying to take him away from that if that’s what he really wanted and 3) he’s a CATCH I wouldn’t want to hurt the other girl by “stealing her man” if he did have feelings for me to.
Then add on on top of everything that I’ve been told “if he really wanted to be with you he would be.”
He made an effort.
I iced him out.
I regret it.
I have a new reality to accept.