Hi Bellamoon <3

I want to say, that when I started reading this I felt very connected, as I went through something very similar. I think there are a lot of questions that could be asked in order to better understand and discuss this but when it comes to other people’s triggers and loving someone, here is what I know and have experienced.

All of us have past baggage and traumas and pain, which translate to triggers. When what we do triggers someone else (usually unintentionally) it’s because it’s scratching their ego in some way. Something they haven’t healed yet from their past is hurting, and it’s coming through with irritation, anger, and frustration. In these situations, all we can do is listen to them, hear them, and let them know that we hear them and understand where they are coming from – acknowledging, honoring and validating their feelings is important. Even if we didn’t mean to hurt them, they feel hurt and that’s valid. Also, remember that when people react out of anger or frustration and they say hurtful things, this is a way coping by spreading the pain. When we feel pain, we should sit with it and feel it and then show it love and compassion and communicate it in a way that doesn’t, but this isn’t easy for most people. After showing compassion and love for how they feel, we can apologize that we made them feel that way, and then from a place of love and empathy, explain that we didn’t mean to make them feel that way. Someone who truly cares about you, won’t want to hurt you and say spiteful things, even if they are hurt. They’ll communicate it in a calm and understanding way. A lot of relationship anxiety boils down to the inability to trust. And even if we’ve never given someone a reason to distrust us, we also can’t MAKE them trust us, no matter what. It’s an internal processing decision that they have to make.

It’s also extremely important for you to really look at how each of you need to be loved, and how each of you show love. Love languages are real and they are what make our love tank feel full or empty. If quality time is his main love language, then something might have to change, because it will continue to trigger him. It’s important to remember what YOU need and not compromise what you need for another – set boundaries. Also, can you really give them what they need? Is it possible? Some people, if they’re not healed or trying to heal, will never feel like they’re getting what they need, because they’re not giving it to themselves. In this case, we’re helpless – we can be there for them, love them, show compassion, but at what expense? The expense should never be your happiness and light.

Every relationship is a lesson and with that comes growth. Even though it hurts, if we’ve tried everything and it isn’t aligning with who we truly are, then sometimes we have to let them go. Some people are meant to be in our lives, but just for a season. This doesn’t mean you should end things, but have a conversation. A real, raw, vulnerable conversation about your relationship and where it’s going and how you feel and what you need from each other. When it starts to cause more pain than love, we have to look deeper.

The questions to keep in mind are, Is there more light than dark? More love than hurt? Is this person and relationship in alignment with who I truly am? Am I truly happy?

I hope these questions and introspection help you find the answers you’re looking for & I hope the universe brings you much love and peace <3

Every relationship will trigger you.

Anxious Attachment needs development . Avoidant Attachment really needs development.

It’s about understanding how we grew up & how our parents cared or didn’t care for us, this is how it usually reflects in our relationships.

People with avoidant Attachment learn to be independent.

People with Anxious learn codependency.

Secure relationships are interdependent.

Anxious people need a lot of love & assurance. Ask your partner what they need. Meet the need. Understand as a person who’s avoidant, it may not always make sense or it may scare you- as intimacy scares avoidants.

If you really want it to work I suggest you buy two books, Attached by Amir Levine. One for you one for him.