I wasn’t sure if I would ever do this but reading other people’s stories is, in a way, reassuring in knowing we all have our own battles and are not alone. This place seems like it is a good community. I will start off with, there is a light (for those who can’t see it).

My story stretches way back to when I was younger. My parents were miserable, barely talked and didn’t really ‘guide’ us (me, my bro and sis) on how to deal with things like emotions, problems etc. I didn’t realise any of this until my 20’s because what we grew up with, seemed normal to us. It wasn’t until I met my, recently ex, partner when I started to notice things. About a year later my parents divorced. It got messy and family history (we should never have known) started popping up which strained relationships and whatnot. My Dad was already ill as well (mentally and physically) and then he started taking it out on us. This went on for a good few years. I eventually found myself having enough of it and we fell out. I’ve not spoken to him for 18 months now which is difficult at times, i.e. Fathers Day, and I will note I tried to help him. I tried to help him a lot and many times where I almost sacrificed my own relationship for him. My mum, however, is happily married now and my step dad is a cool guy. My Mum is a completely different person to the one I grew up with, in a good way.

Anyway inbetween that I also had my own issues with Depression and Anxiety. I’ve basically had it since I was a teenager but only really became self aware of it in 2014 where I was having suicidal thoughts and secluding myself from family and friends and anything that involved socialising. I spoke to family and got through that period with counselling and no medication. Months later though, it started creeping in again and would do so every few months until last year. It kicked in, like really kicked in, but I was so fed up with it I tried to ignore it in the hope that it would go away but it didn’t. Things got worse around October time where after a few drinks I was becoming aggressive and out of character, doing everything wrong, the negative thoughts in my head had become so loud I could pretty much hear them and then the suicidal thoughts came back too. I got married in November but by this point I had pushed her to the point where she thought I didn’t love her anymore. I still don’t get why she went ahead with the marriage. 2 weeks after the marriage where things were ok her behaviour changed. She was taking her rings off and barely speaking to me. I felt like she was playing mind games. It came to a rear end 4 days before Christmas where she ended things. Yes, I know you’re confused now. At that point I broke down and eventually told her why I’d been acting the way I had.

She just got more angry and turned into a raging ball of fire. I get it, I hurt her and I know that. I didn’t make her feel loved for a long time. I tried to talk to her on numerous occasions but we just kept going in circles. I couldn’t understand it. I had already isolated myself and when I tried to reach out to her she made me feel more isolated. I felt like I had nowhere to turn and ended up breaking down in work because my manager pulled me aside after she noticed my work was being affected. This is when I started opening up to people. I ended up moving out and we’ve separated and then I found out she slept with my sister’s ex (they only split up in December themselves). I felt embarrassed telling people at first but I think we’ve done the right thing upon reflection. I went to the doctors and they put me on citalopram and advised me to self refer myself to a ‘self-help’ organisation. 2 weeks later I was on a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course, which I’ll add, has been a huge help. The CBT and the medication have helped massively. I have just recently finished the CBT (early) and looking to reduce my dosage of Citalopram in the next 3 months.

I feel happier at the moment but don’t get me wrong I still have those ‘off’ days. It’s hard at times but I’ve learnt to deal with things better than I had before. I’m still learning now as we all do. I just wanted people to know there is a light. If you’re having battles with your inner demons, just talk to someone. It goes a long way. It’s the hardest step to take at first but you’ll be surprised at how understanding people can be. I now eat healthier, I go gym 4 times a week and I also get to see my 2 beautiful kids whenever I want to if I’m off work and have them on set days. Next step is figuring out a career or finding a way to win the lottery? Any ideas?