You are welcome, bricklady. This waiting is very difficult. You are doing well.

anita

Dear bricklady:

I hope your mammogram comes out clear (I haven’t had one in… four years, I think)-

A sweet caring response from him. It is like a make up for those ouches of recent. But dot get too encouraged about the relationship- it is too soon. Remember to give him the space he needs, to let him initiate contact.

When is your new mammogram appointment?

anita

Dear bricklady:

I re-read all your posts on this thread, to learn something new, look at things anew. I wasn’t clear about the ages before. You are about 37 and he is 47. You met May 2016. You met his children for the first time July 2016. Previously in your life you had a few long term relationships (including a marriage), none lasting more than 3 years or so. He had a long term relationship, a marriage, and currently has three children, one 23 year old daughter and two minor children. His wife left him, is living far away from them all, and her contact with her children is infrequent. Recently he felt that the relationship with you was moving too fast and that neither he nor his children- at least the two minor children- were ready for a new wife/ mother figure in their lives.

Interestingly enough, he suggested you move in with them December last year and it was you who were not ready, correct? Noticing how currently attached you are to them (“I love his family and I long to live there, to be part of it, every day for the rest of my life”), can you tell me why you did not take him up on his offer to move in with them all December 2016?

Reminders: on 2/26 you wrote that you told Brickman something like this: “You need time, no problem. Take it. I support you 1000%. I want you to work through this and be happier. There is no time table on how long this will take.”- need to keep your word to him.

Your therapist told you, you wrote on 3/2: “Don’t ask when can you see the kids or him. He knows you want to. Let him be the one to contact you.”

On 3/7, you wrote: “My therapist suggested that I reply to him when he contacts me but not to initiate anything.”

A new thought regarding your entry on 3/8: “his son is having a hard time with missing his mom and balancing his stress and schoolwork… He and the kids have had a lot of talks about their mom and the kids are having trouble processing everything.”- I am having a clearer understanding of the challenge here: the kids’ mother’s departure from their lives is still fresh for them. They are not ready for a “new mom”- you. Reads to me that he made the right choice, changing the relationship with you so to give his kids- and himself- time and opportunity to process what happened.

Waiting for your answer, if you will, to the question above, and your thoughts and feelings otherwise.

anita

Dear bricklady:

You wrote in your last sentence: “I just don’t know if I wait for him to bring it up or if I should”- what about your therapist advice that you initiate nothing with him (the quotes in my last post to you)?

You wrote in your last post: “witnessing their (the children’s) pain hurts us. What parent wants to see their child hurting?”-

In “hurts US”- it is as if, in your own mind, you and the father are ONE, bricklady and Brickman, as if you are a couple, parents of these children. Not yet. You have rushed the process, from one point on, fast forwarded it.

anita

Dear bricklady:

It is for your best interest, as well as Brickman’s, as well as his children’s, that you are aware of, and that you accept the reality, that by this very point, in reality, you and Brickman are not a couple. You are not co-parents. His children are not your children.

The attachment to him and to his children, your feeling of safety in the idea of an instant family, I imagine, brought you much comfort, but it is not serving you well at this point because it is not based on reality. It may be, in the future, but it is not so now.

Resist reality and you prolong your distress; accept it, you feel temporary discomfort and long term calm. That calm will promote your best interest.

anita

Dear bricklady:

Regarding the thought that Brickman is sending mixed signals: remember that his initial assertion was to end ALL contact with you, which was a very clear signal. It was you who approached him repeatedly, individually and through mutual friends, to take a middle way: have you come over less often, and so forth.

I think your pain, currently, has to do not only with the current situation, but with what pushed you so intensely into adopting this instant family concept, the loneliness before this strong attachment. Did you talk with your therapist about your attachment-history, starting with your parents, as the child that you were?

anita

Dear bricklady:

The people present in your relationship with him, besides you and him, and the children, are also his ex wife, your exes, and maybe most influential, his parents and your parents- they are ALL there- what a party, huh?

If you had a very different childhood than the one you had, your experience with him would have been different. Same with him. This is why it is important to examine the past- to see how it affects the present.

Your separation anxiety from before, from childhood, most likely, is fueling your current distress. Before the current separation from Brickman, your separation anxiety played a big part in the dynamics then, in how strongly you got attached to him/ the instant family and how that attachment expressed itself.

Your last sentence, that you want “some small reassurance” but “it’s not (your) place to ask”- bitterness there, isn’t it? Thing is, a small reassurance will not satisfy for long, not with an active separation anxiety.

I think you are doing very well, going to therapy, following up on your therapist’s recommendations, and doing your best overall. I wish it was easier for you. This is a long term process, your individual healing as well as doing your best in this relationship. You always have the option to terminate the relationship- to give up  on it- you don’t have to keep going. But if you choose to keep at it, you will need more… and more patience. Keep posting, anytime.

anita