I have been going to therapy for about 18 months now. I recently began seeing a new therapist and during our first session she said, “It seems like I’m hiding and holding back.” My reply was something like “I know that is what I feel and I don’t know why.” Beyond therapy, I have had various people say this to me in different variations, some say I’m secretive, while others say it seems like I’m very surface and that I don’t share or won’t go deep. I have even heard, I am hard to read.

I recognize this in myself in the way I interact with people and that at times I am protective and very careful in what I share or how I share.  It doesn’t feel like I am this way with everyone though, some people I am able to let my guard down a little more with but overall I feel like this hinders me in being fully present and having meaningful relationships.

I have shared a few things from my past on this forum so feel free to read those. Perhaps those entries can shed some light or help me in putting the pieces of the puzzle together. As far as my therapist, we haven’t begin to dive into this yet as we have been touching on other areas in order to get a baseline and have been exploring things like anxiety that may be a contributing factor.

Nonetheless, I want to move past feeling like and being like this. It’s most likely conscious and unconscious at this point in my life, like I am so use to being closed off that I don’t know how it feels to be any other way. I share just enough but don’t go to deep with friends.

What am I afraid of? Why do I retreat to holding back? What will happen if I let go and trust a little or a lot? What if I go beyond the surface?

Those are some questions, I’m asking myself in this moment. I would like to have deeper meaningful relationships and not feel tense or afraid when interacting.