His silent treatment is driving me crazy

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This topic has 36 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

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July 7, 2017 at 7:36 am #156804

Connie
Participant

I think and understand that he’s trying to punish me.

Whether he’s punishing me or just crying for help, the only response I should give him is to show him love and stop beating myself up. I want to be someone who has peace and happiness within. That’s the only way I can make people happy.

July 7, 2017 at 8:29 am #156818

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

You need to do what makes you happy, it is not your job to make others or this man happy. If you truly feel you are unhappy with him, it may be best to go your separate ways. I wish you all the best.

July 7, 2017 at 10:28 am #156856

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

In my first reply to you I wrote that it wasn’t clear to me that he was giving you the silent treatment, that is, trying to punish you. Following your quoting of what he wrote to you, I feel quite confident that you are correct, from the beginning of this thread, in your understanding that he does indeed want to punish you, and it has been a silent treatment.

In the quote you gave, he told you that he is willing to continue to suffer because this is what you want, the end of the relationship. He repeated the same point: it is YOU who want the end of this relationship. Reads to me like he is inviting you to tell him: no, no, I want this relationship, please have me again. Please!

You wrote in your last post that you want to show him love. It would be a bad idea, for you, wouldn’t it, if showing him love means, repeatedly, to take his punishments and submitting.

anita

July 7, 2017 at 5:43 pm #156960

Connie
Participant

When it comes to giving silent treatment as a punishment, I wonder if they are actually aware of the fact that they are punishing people.

I discussed this with him many times in the past that I felt his silent was a punishment for me. He said that he wasn’t trying to punish me but needed some time to clear his head. I used to beg him to come back when he ignored me, telling him that I couldn’t live without him and perhaps my begging was the fuel that kept his silent going.

My last email to him

_________________________________

What I ultimately want is finding peace and happiness within, then being able to make people I care about, including you, happy. I did not and do not want to break up.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I have been using sources to reflect/practice myself and feeling really calm and peaceful already. I would like to share my improvements with you, if possible.

I still care about you a lot and do not want to see you suffer, not at all. I want you to be happy, too! My heart is still with you.

Nevertheless, please take good care of yourself and slow down a bit if you are too stressed out. “YOU” are the most important asset. Without you, those success and wealth will be pointless. There are a lot of people who truly care about and love you, including me.

If you still want to visit me, you will be more than welcome!

_______________________________

I got tired of begging him and crying. He’s a workaholic and doesn’t have many friends. All I wanted to do was to send him some positive energy and hope this helps him realize that blaming or punishing each other is not a solution to a better relationship. I also feel I have done the most part on my end. The rest will be his.

July 7, 2017 at 8:04 pm #156964

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

When you get back together do not be verbally abusive to him, no matter what. If you keep this one rule, you will be guilt free and able, from a guilt-free position, to study and evaluate, over time, if he is treats you well or not.

Pay attention.

anita

July 8, 2017 at 6:57 am #156990

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

I guess, I have a different perspective, I really don’t think he is “punishing you” based on one sentence of “suffering” in his e-mail. I have read his e-mail to you three times carefully, and this is clearly a man in love. He is not playing any games the way I see it. The letter he wrote you is beautiful and raw. Clearly a letter of someone in pain and deeply in love. Whatever you decide, I hope you will keep us posted on the outcome.

July 8, 2017 at 4:22 pm #157094
Connie
Participant
Hello Eliana
I really do hope that’s the case, that he’s not trying to punish me.
I have told him several times that I do not want to break up and even sent him an email expressing how regretful I am to break up with him (since he said I was the one who ultimate wanted this) and asked him for another chance.

Maybe he’s also deeply in hurt and afraid of getting hurt again. He never lets me know if we have another chance. I also have suffered from his silent, whether he does it intentionally or not.

In my last email I tried to be positive, telling him I had been doing well and still loved him and cared about him. The ball is in his court now. As you said, let him take the lead.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 16, 2017 at 7:09 pm #158432
Connie
Participant
After 10 days of not hearing back from him, despite me trying so hard to reach him, to explain to him that I didn’t want our relationship to end, I gave up the idea of getting back together.

Just when I decided to cut off everything and move on, my ex who went on silent for almost a month finally initiated contact by sending me an email telling me he missed me tremendously.

It was just a really simple email. I don’t know what his intention was honestly. He wanted to get back or he was just lonely? No doubt it was a huge step he took post breakup.

Though I still love him a lot and deep inside me I do want him back, I am so afraid of getting hurt again that he will not respond if I write him back.

However, I also don’t want to give him the false feeling that I am done with him by ignoring his email.

Any suggestions?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 17, 2017 at 4:45 am #158476

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

Since, it was a simple e-mail, he was just saying he missed you, although that was sweet, he did not state was his intentions are. It seems he is confused and unsure of what he really wants. If you did get back with him, do you think things would get any better, or would you feel frustrated, confused, unsure, doubtful? He did not say in his e-mail that he still loved you, or that he needed you in his life, he really did not make much effort at all to reach out to make you a part of his life again..really he did nothing, except leaving you confused.

When my ex wanted me back, he came over with flowers and chocolate and asked for forgiveness, and a second chance to make things right. To prove himself that he had changed. That he wanted a committed relationship. Your ex e-mailing you “I miss you”..not enough effort. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be.

So, maybe just play it cool. Just write him a short e-mail saying “Hi, it’s nice to hear from you, I miss you too” that’s it. Then make him work for you. If he does not work for you, he is not wanting anything at this time. Maybe all he was doing was “just missing you”. Let me know your thoughts?

July 18, 2017 at 5:54 pm #158882

Connie
Participant

Hello Eliana

I agree with you. If he wants me back, he will try harder.

As you suggested, I responded with a friendly greeting eventually and decided not to keep my hopes up anymore.

July 19, 2017 at 5:59 am #158936

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It stinks, I know. Please post anytime..

July 19, 2017 at 8:10 am #158972

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

Following reading today your July 16 post, I went over your posts from the beginning of the thread in my effort to understand better. Here is a bit of a summary:

About mid June he sent you an email telling you that he felt that you “had wanted to break up for a long time… thus he was doing as (you) wished.”

Following that email, for about two weeks, you repeatedly called, texted and emailed him asking him if you can start over but he did not respond.

Two weeks later, at the beginning of July, he wrote you an email: “…These last couple weeks have been so hellish and very difficult for me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t focus on anything, and can only think of you. Everything reminds me of you and I think of you literally every moment of every hour, every day, literally. I feel like I’m in prison, in a way, and the only freedom is being close to you, but I know that can’t happen and it is killing me. I can’t even imagine talking to or being with anyone else…I’m constantly wondering what you may be up to or what you are doing… I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want, and will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested”.

Did I understand correctly, that ten days after the above email, he sent you another email, “telling me he missed me tremendously”- correct?

I have some thoughts, depending on your answer, if you would like.

anita

July 19, 2017 at 3:37 pm #159064

Connie
Participant

Hello Anita

yes, the summary is all correct. What are your thoughts?

FYI, I replied his “I miss you” email after two days saying “I am well, thanks. How are you?” then he went unanswered again. However, taking his recent contact frequency into consideration, I really do not see/hope he will get back to me anytime soon.

July 20, 2017 at 7:52 am #159154

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

My thoughts, developed as I type (I needed your verification that my understanding is correct before thinking further):

In the beginning of July he wrote to you that he “will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested”- but ten days after that statement, he did respond to you.

There are a couple of suspect elements here, for me: his willingness to suffer is one (” I will willfully continue to suffer”)- being willing to suffer, the concept of it is suspect to me. Is this guilt-tripping you, as if saying: I am suffering because of you! Or his message to you or to himself can be: I suffer, therefore I am a good person.

Continuing with that statement: ” I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want, and will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested”- he is giving you all the responsibility for the breakup of the relationship, presenting himself as a passive reactant to the active actor of the relationship: you. He is only kindly accommodating you is his message.

Regarding the long email he sent you: ““…These last couple weeks have been so hellish…I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t focus…I think of you literally every moment of every hour, every day, literally.”- I feel uncomfortable about his statement that he thinks of you literally every moment. He wrote “literally” twice. It is a lie. It is impossible to be literally the truth. Why did he lie, I ask myself.

He wrote: “I feel like I’m in prison, in a way, and the only freedom is being close to you, but I know that can’t happen and it is killing me”- I … sense the unpleasant scent of dishonest manipulation here: here is a man experiencing hell, a prison that is killing him, but he has no choice but to stay in hell/ prison because… hell/ prison is what you chose for him, where you want him to be… and he is only to kind to accommodate you.

anita

July 20, 2017 at 8:21 am #159160
Connie
Participant
Hello Anita

thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. Looking back now I do agree with you that the email was manipulative and was trying to make me at fault that I should take the whole responsibility for our breakup. And I DID! I told him and reassured him several times that I was determined to get better and make changes for our relationship. He never responds to any of my “getting back together”, nor “is it really over?” type of messages.

However, I do not understand why he had to do this – to guilt trip me. All I was asking was just a clear answer and clean cut so we could both have closure to move on in separate ways.

I feel he keeps giving me mixed signals to lead me on while he is trying to figure out what he should do next/before he is fully recovered from the breakup. If that’s the case, he’s really selfish.

Everything was great the day before we broke up. We had a really nice videochat for two hours straight. We talked about so many random things, laughed so much. A week before we became separate, he was still telling me almost everyday that he loved me so much, reassuring me that we would survived the long distance… I just don’t understand.. if he really loved me as he said, how can he lead me on like this? Maybe deep inside he is upset for all the pain I have caused him? Maybe he doesn’t want to be the bad guy? Maybe he’s too coward to take the responsibility? I don’t know…
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
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