It’s been 5 years since my husband revealed his many betrayals. I wanted to leave back then, but I was having an emotional breakdown (terrifying experience), as I was realizing I’d been married to a total scary stranger, for 7 years. I sought my family’s help, but none provided functional support. I could not live with them they said, they judged my tears, they mocked my breakdown. I ran to NC, and my husband talked me into staying with him. I’d just learned I could not rely on my very big family, as they’d all turned out just as untrustworthy as my husband. I was alone, with this monster of a man. I was just broken. Frozen. Traumatized by all of my family losses. No one turned out to be my support network, as I’d always believed they would be. When I had my trauma, they all shut me out because it made them uncomfortable. Even two of my three best friends distances themselves, making themselves scarce. I guess my sadness is too awkward for people.

I eventually got a dog, whom literally kept me alive. She gave me the first glimpse of hope I’d had since my traumas. She’s been my anchor. My only connection to the light in this world.

Things started to seem like they would start looking up. I was accepted into grad school, after years of effort, and I left my husband. But, my hair felt out in huge handfuls, I had terrible vertigo spells and migraines, and I had to withdraw. The stress of the separation was eating my body. I needed health insurance, and so returned to my husband.

He is still cruel to me. He never changed as he’d convinced me. I lost my very good job to follow him for his job (he pressured me to follow him). Now, I’m struggling to find employment, I’m back near my toxic family, I’m drained by him and his toxic family, and just when I was trying to leave again, my beautiful dog is experiencing liver issues. She was registered as my emotional support animal, as I was diagnosed with ptsd. She truly has been deeply important in my ability to relate to this life, to feel connected to it. And now, she might have a life threatening illness. She’s my only true family. I’m so alone. I can’t lose her. I don’t believe I’ll have anything left to anchor me to this life of hell. I just am trying so hard to build light in my life, but trauma, health issues, job issues, and now my sweet dog being sick, are all making me feel submerged in dark hopelessness. I can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel. Almost no one in my family will help me with any of my life struggles. I am utterly alone. I once was a part of a big family, and happily believed it was a safe family. Now, I feel like Job from the Bible. I’m convinced after all these betrayals and losses, that I’ll never be allowed a happy life or family again. It feels like the universe won’t allow it. My ptsd and anxiety are so debilitating now, making friends feels impossible.

Is there ever going to be a sense of hope again? Will this great sadness stay my experience forever? I have lost all strength to keep trying to fix my life. Every effort fails. How does one obtain happiness again, when they’re too tired to keep hoping? Has anyone found methods to find hope?

ps, writing on my phone. Sorry for typos.  Any words of comfort needed.

G