How can I accept the situation for what it is?

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    My story is that I am in my early 30’s and met a man 12 months ago that has made me beleive in true love. Our relationship together is very supportive, affectionate, caring, loving and understanding. He has everything I would look for in someone. I find him very attractive, he is a very kind person, he has a good career, people think he is a very special person, physically we connect well, my friends and family like him, we laugh together and enjoy the same things. He is my best friend. He is so supprtive of me and loves me unconditionally.


    I have recently had some concerns about our future due to his past. My boyfriend was married before and has two children who he sees every other weekend. They are 3 and 7. I get along well with the children and we do nice things together. They seem to have a good relationship with me. Their mother is in another relationship and her partner is supportive in relation to the children. He has told his ex that he will be moving forward with his life with me. We have decided that we would now like a future together and I will be moving to another city (i was living there before) to buy a house together and start a family of our own. The thing is, I have this tendnacy to focus on what my plans were ‘meant to be’ and I am struggling to get used to this situation as it is not what I would have considered as the ‘ideal’ situation.

    I am a born worrier and I am very indeceisive. I struggle to make life decisons through fear of making the wrong ones. I suffer with axiety and sometimes I feel quite low. He is very understanding of me and the problems I face. When I am with him, we have the best time. We go on regular holidays and have weekends cooking meals, watching tv and generally just being together. I feel like he is ‘the one’ for me.

    I come from a family where this sort of thing is not considered to be the ‘ideal’. I know my mum has a hard time dealing with the fact that her successful daughter has chosen to be with a man with a past. She states that she is happy for me if I am happy but I can’t get rid of this new nagging doubt. What if I’m making the wrong choice? What if I could find someone else without the baggage? But what if I regret not having him in my life? Maybe these doubts are a preminition? If I love him surely I should be able to deal with this situation better?

    I speak to him all of the time, we lived together previously for 12 months and we were happy together but I did struggle with the children as we had them for frequently and it wasnt my home so I always felt out of place. They are also at a difficult age. When I am not with him I miss him dearly. He undersands my feelings of doubt but tells me that we can work through anything together and that he will always make me a priority. He explains that he wants to have the marriage and family. He desires this with me.

    I suppose I’m just scared what other people think, that I’m not doing things in my life the ‘coventional’ way and I really worry if I am making the right decision. On the other hand I know I love him, dislike being without him and feel like we have a special relationship that I know some people would give their right arm for! I also know that we as humans suffer from ‘the grass is greener’ ideology frequently and I keep this in mind. I think I am a peron who struggles to find happiness, as I am a glass half empty person and I am very pessimistic. I am very hard on myself and set expectations for myself at a very high level. I just want to be at peace with his past and not have this anxiety which I carry around with me all of the time. It is affecting my moods, my eating and my sleep.

    I would appreciate some advice regarding this from anyone here,

    Thanks in advance,



    Seems to me like life has presented you with both a great opportunity and learning experience. Sounds like you’re doing OK because the important thing to me is that you have awareness of how you are holding yourself back, so just keep going and you’ll get through it. I used to be one of the biggest worriers around and can still be highly indecisive.

    All worry is a waste of time. All your what ifs are a waste of time. Cast out these ideologies which are not even your own, this quote comes to mind: “A man (or woman) must act as if all else were ephemeral except he” – Emerson. Remember, all these ideas about convention, it’s all made up, none of it is inherently right or wrong, none of it is true. People find it so hard to listen to and honour the truth but it makes life so simple when you do, I’m doing this more and more and it’s great. Listen to your feeling, to your heart, that’s what is true, honour this truth. Yes, honour it, above all other opinion and convention. Also cast out your own ideologies/expectations of how things were meant to be, this just creates suffering.

    I really recommend trying meditation. It takes some amount of practice, but if you get into it, it could help you big time. It may help you see through all of your worry, anxiety etc so that it no longer affects you, or at least much less so, in time.

    Another thing, I know it may sound stupid and difficult, but stop fighting/pushing away your doubt and anxiety. Do your best just to let it be. The more you try to struggle with it the more energy you give to it. At the same time, try not to get caught up in it, in other words when you find the doubts envelop you do something to occupy yourself, or go for a walk etc. Again, meditation is perhaps the best training to be able to do this. You could try just sitting with your doubts and worries, not getting caught up in them but watching them, being a witness to them only, because it’s just your mind making them up, it’s nothing more than that, they’re not actually real, they just seem so real because most of us are so enslaved by our minds, we believe everything they tell us. Meditation will reveal to you eventually how daft it all is and give you freedom. This is the freedom that the Bible is getting at when it says, “the truth shall set you free”. Imagine also the personal strength and energy that you get when you are able to do this!

    Good luck,


    Kandance Bahn

    I think a big part of it, and correct me if I am wrong, might be that you will lose a certain aspect of your identity. Your identity includes where you see yourself in a few years, and this is very different from the “ideal” situation you would like be in.

    I am the exact same way as you in that I fear commitment. It scares me because part of me thinks I will regret it and will have no way out. I think when you have someone so great, it’s also equally as scary. My advice, and this is coming from someone who struggles with commitment and with making decisions, try to figure out if you are afraid to not live up to expectations as a step-mom or if you feel you will lose your entire identity and be the “wife of a man with a past” or if maybe you haven’t found something to really ground you in who you are as a person. Of course, all of these are valid, but you have to come to terms with yourself, and really be open to being vulnerable and honest with yourself. I think once you stop worrying about what everyone will see it as, the real answer will come from within. That is easier said than done, but whatever decision you make, see it as an addition to your life, not a defining factor or anything bigger than who you are as a person. Instead of being the wife of a man with a past, you could be Jesslou who married into a great family. or Jesslou who loves chess and kayaking and has an awesome supportive husband. Don’t let your identity be masked by this big event in your life. Marriage is huge for everyone, especially us commitment phobes, but once you let the muddy water settle, you will be able to see clearly and find yourself.

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