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How can I become more self-assured?

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  • October 25, 2015 at 9:34 pm #86071
    runningwithscissors
    Participant

    Hi, everyone. I’m an inadequate adult. Naturally I also have difficulties socializing… because of certain things that make me feel ashamed. I’m inadequate, hence why I have difficulties socializing. It’s not the other way around like most cases. I’ll start with an example, small but very representative.
    I went through a somewhat rebellious phase in my teenage years. As a result, I had piercings done on my ears when I was around 12 years old (earlobes and cartilage). I had 8 piercings in one ear, all done by me at home, and 4 on the other ear. I haven’t worn any piercings in 6 years and people rarely see me wear earrings. There are still marks on my ears, so people can still see that. I’ve been asked about them sometimes and no matter what I do or how well I am at that particular day, I always end up replying to that type of question as though I’m apologizing for something. “Yeah, it was a difficult time”, “I was so stupid”, “Dark times”, etc, etc.
    Same also happens to other similar problems. I always have to explain as though I’m not sure about myself or like I have to justify my mistakes and shortcomings in the way I’ve led my life so far. I could reply “Yeah, I love piercings!” which surely sounds self-assured enough but just doesn’t feel right. Not to mention I no longer have piercings, so how can I love piercings? Same goes for the other stuff. I can’t even say I don’t regret them, because I do and thus am ashamed of them. I really want to socialize a little more, but I’m in a certain state that I can no longer talk to people in groups. I can’t talk to people one-on-one for long periods of time: if long enough time has passed, I may feel a great urge to leave. I may also start to feel intimidated or inferior. I probably haven’t conversed with anyone new in person for over a year… but it feels like it’s been decades and I forgot how. A friend of mine had asked me to go to a barbecue with her. Of course, there would be more people there, at least 5. I immediately reclined. I cannot do this type of thing anymore. Some years ago, I’d have tried. Now this awkward feeling is just too big and I’m always afraid of feeling embarrassed/ashamed in public.
    I need simple tips, personal accounts (maybe you too had that problem), anything you can throw at me.
    PS.: When I said “it was stupid” I was referring to piercing my ears at home instead of paying a professional. I don’t think piercings are stupid, although it really was stupid of me if I think about it, considering the reason why I did them. Anyhoo, please don’t get mad at me.

    October 26, 2015 at 4:13 am #86100
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey,

    I do understand a bit of how you feel – I have felt this embarrassment and weariness often. The way i found peace was through better understanding of myself and of others. It is an uncomfortable feeling to feel weird and out of place while with others – I realized though that me being conscious about my acne, weight, certain aspects of my mannerisms were just about me – I wasnt as nervous about being asked those questions as much as i feared the judgment of the answers. This is how i learned to rethink after a lot of unpleasantness and personal attacks even – The truth is, most people dont think that much about me – How often would you think of someone else’s piercings or acne or their fat arms anyway? Sure you would ask them out of curiosity sometimes but thats about it really. We’re all too concerned mostly with our state to truly be that interested in someone else. We’re all hiding some skeletons in our closet and some questions bring those out more.

    But here’s the thing – Can we let go of the idea that people care as much as we think?

    Secondly, even if they judge me, that is based on an incomplete picture presented to them. Besides, what does it matter if they judge me? Whats the worst that could happen anyway? I do have people in my life who love me. Why should i worry so much about these outside people? As for you not wanting to socialize, thats okay! We’re all different – when you feel comfortable, go ahead. If you dont, you dont. Why judge yourself so much if you cant fit into some norm? If you do feel that your fear is preventing you from socializing rather than you “should”, then we can talk about ways to cope with the anxiety. Whatever the case, be kinder to yourself.

    If it is indeed anxiety, on a scale of 10, can you tell me 10 things that terrify you socially – 1 being the mildest and 10 being the scariest? Are you an introvert or otherwise?

    Regards,
    Moon

    PS: I have had social anxiety forever and I am still coming to terms with it – I did find this book very helpful called Sean Cooper’s “Overcoming Social Anxiety System” – he made some very simple and applicable points. The rest of the books were too vague and high-fi for me to understand and apply.

    October 26, 2015 at 8:38 am #86111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear runningwithscissors”

    As simple as I can put it: when you are in the company of others, you often think: THEY are thinking that I am inferior. THEY are thinking I am not okay, inadequate. THEY are about to get angry at me because I am wrong and done the wrong things.

    In reality it is YOU that are thinking those and other things about you and you project those thoughts to others. These thoughts are recordings well established in your brain, re=played automatically when you are in the company of others and each time you think it is THEY who are thinking those thoughts. This is why you are trying to avoid being around people.

    If you went through good psychotherapy or otherwise began to see and believe otherwise about yourself, that you are adequate, that there was and is nothing inherently wrong with you, then you will still have these recordings being automatically replayed.

    But then you will recognize those thoughts as your own thoughts and every time you “hear” a thought like that, you can cut it with a pair of scissors (like your username)- you can run around with a pair of scissors cutting off this thought and that thought the moment you are aware of the thought and the distress that such thoughts involve.

    anita

    October 29, 2015 at 9:07 am #86376
    runningwithscissors
    Participant

    Moongal,
    Thanks for replying. What people think doesn’t matter to me as much as it used to. In a way, it’s like one worry was completely replaced by another. It’s just that there are certain things we’re particularly protective about, maybe in anticipation of a personal attack. To me, the piercing marks represent my life at that time (bad memories associated). I gave this more thought and I realize I do not know if it is their judgement that I fear the most or my own.
    I like the way you see it. They don’t care about it nearly as much as I do. Rather than trying to come up with some way I could look or sound proud and self-assured, I’ve been thinking about the piercings and what they represent to me. They don’t really represent anything to people other than myself, that’s just personal association. I’m trying to think of the objects as simply objects, trying to dissociate the objects from the emotions they may invoke.
    As for socializing, I’m in my comfort zone. I also think that not socializing so much saves me from a lot of frustration, rejection, and disappointment. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety when I was younger, but I don’t think I have SA. Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll give it a look.
    Answering your question, my fears on a scale of 1 to 9 as I couldn’t think of 10 things:
    1. Communicating with an authority of any kind; 2. Walking past a group of teenagers/young adults; 3. Public speaking; 4. Crying/having a mental breakdown in public; 5. Meeting new people; 6. Being surrounded by a group of people I don’t know very well; 7. Being asked personal questions (especially things I’m super defensive about); 8. Hurtful comments about my intellect, mistakes or mental affliction (being criticized, judged or humiliated in public); 9. Stumbling upon someone who treated me badly and or had witnessed one of my mental breakdowns and kind of figured I was mentally afflicted…

    October 29, 2015 at 9:17 am #86377
    runningwithscissors
    Participant

    Anita,

    It makes a lot of sense, Anita, thank you. By avoiding people, I don’t feel as frustrated and unhappy. My own criticism plays the major role in the way I feel around others. Also, I’m always afraid that they might think the same way as I anticipate them to think. I just realized, after writing the list of things that make me anxious, I do care what people think, I just don’t care for the same things I used to. As for good therapy, I’m working on that.
    Those thoughts that keep replaying effortlessly in my brain… I was beginning to learn how to cut them off, as you put it, with a pair of scissors. As soon as they began, I’d redirect my attention to something else. It was working wonderfully, I was so close! The further I follow the thought, the more difficult it is to cut it off, to take its power away. The tricky part is recognizing the undesired thought as soon as it reawakens.

    October 29, 2015 at 9:42 am #86378
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Someone:

    Your last paragraph, how to cut your troubling thoughts with scissors, so to speak, perfectly stated, says I. Those negatively critical, shaming, fault finding thoughts are generated by your toxic inner critic, your inner bully as I like to term it. That inner bully was generated by the outer bully or bullies in your early life. It is like the outer bully when you were a child (FORMATIVE years) sent the many little bullies to live in your brain and continue the “good work”- those inner bullies will not listen to reason, reason manufactured by other parts of your brain because they (those neurons) are not connected to the reasonable neurons. The bullying neurons have their own pathways. They are either ON or OFF. So like with a pair of scissors, you cut that pathway every time you notice it, that is you switch the ON to OFF. Those pathways, the inner bully pathways, know nothing but ON or OFF.

    P.S. You started the thread with “I am an inadequate adult.” I wish you would cut that sentence off, cut, cut.

    anita

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