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How can I change?

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  • #90384
    Hopeful
    Participant

    I’ve always if there is problems always around yiu look at yourself because it’s probably you. My problem seems to always be the same. I make friends or even with the man I’m in a relationship with now. I can feel close to people for a while then I realize I’m the only one that seems to put in any effort. I am always thinking of how my actions will make others feel yet noone seems to care about me. They say they do and if I question things it’s like I’m crazy for wanting more. How do I grow a thicker skin so none of this bothers me?

    #90386
    Hopeful
    Participant

    I’m sorry using my phone and it wouldn’t
    Let me check before I submitted. I meant
    I’ve always heard if there is a problem…

    #90387
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hopeful:

    You mean you want to continue putting all the effort while others don’t care about you, only not be bothered by it,

    OR

    do you want to change your choices of the people in your life and your own behavior with the people you choose so to get a better return on the investment of your efforts?

    anita

    #90388
    jock
    Participant

    anita is right
    avoid people who don’t respect you
    better to be alone than lonely in a relationship with someone who doesn’t show you the respect you deserve

    #90389
    Hopeful
    Participant

    I want to not care. Sometimes I think
    I am to sensitive. My friends I work
    With seem ok with me if I don’t disagree
    With them or be kind to someone they don’t
    Like
    Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight my bf is
    Off with friends drinking. When I go out I
    Always keep in touch because I wouldn’t want
    Him to worry or think I wasn’t thinking of
    Him or just to say I love you. My bf is out
    And I don’t hear from him except one time to say he is staying at his friends to drink.
    I am always doing little things for people.
    Cooking a dinner, buying a coffee, small things
    But I also am the one they can write off like I
    Don’t matter.
    I’ve never had that one person I connect with. I’m usually the 3rd wheel. It’s hard to explain. It’s just lonely and I don’t know
    If I need to change or accept I’m meant to be
    Lonely.

    #90395
    jock
    Participant

    If it hurts to be generous, don’t be generous.
    Make your own life, your own friends apart from your boyfriend. Don’t make him the centre of your world.
    Other people can’t make you happy.
    Try to be happy by yourself.

    #90407
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hopeful:

    Share about your childhood, if you would like. Answers to questions are there, most, most likely. I will read and respond.
    anita

    #90470
    Hopeful
    Participant

    My childhood was very religious. Baptist
    Parents. They took me and my brother out of
    School to homeschool us. We were part of a very
    Religious and strict group. My brother was the
    Favorite. He could do no wrong. I was the one
    That my mom took things out on. She did it in
    A way though that noone could see. I knew
    What every eye movement, look, sigh meant and
    I lived to make her happy and I failed alot.
    She would get on the other side of her bed on the floor and sob. I cleaned and waited on my
    Dad and brother. I didn’t get an education
    Really because everything we needed to know
    Was in the bible. My brother one time did this
    Horrible thing and instead of him being punished I was punished because I didn’t prevent
    It from happening.
    The guys I dated were who she wanted. Most ended up being gay. My ex I only married becauee I shamed them by getting pregnant before marriage and they forbid me to live
    With him in sin. When I would try to break up
    With him he would carve my name in his arm
    With a knife and cry and tell me I couldn’t
    Do that to him. I ended up having two more children with him because he forced me.
    It’s just been a lonely life and I’m trying to
    Change but I can’t seem to.

    #90479
    jock
    Participant

    tough life hopeful
    you’ve been through a lot so congratulations for surviving .
    Can you aim to starting somewhere fresh away from family and the toxic people who’ve invaded your life?

    #90525
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hopeful:

    Your mother, you needed her approval as a child and you did everything you could to get it. You watched her every move, every expression on her face, her eyes, to figure out what to do next to please her. And you failed a lot: “I lived to make her happy and I failed alot.” And now you try to please others, to get their approval, to get along, just like you did with your mother. To not disagree with them, to be kind only to people they approve of…

    You operate like you did when you were a child, and most people do continue the patterns of behavior formed in childhood.

    To change, good psychotherpay will help you gain insight into what core beliefs you have about who you are, who others are, and what life is about. You may find out that you believe deep inside you that life is about staying out of trouble, staying safe by not asserting yourself, by appeasing others. You may find out that you believe that there is something wrong or “sinful” about you that you need to watch for. And you may find out that those beliefs are not true…

    Than maybe life IS ABOUT asserting yourself and being yourself… and not about appeasing and pleasing others (at the expense of being yourself) and you may find out that there was nothing ever wrong or sinful about you, that you were born pure and then you were injured by a negatively critical, disapproving mother who blamed you and punished you for what you were not guilty of.

    You owe it to yourself and to your children to get on the healing path, to continue your walk on the healing path. You need to severe your loyalty to your mother, to your parents and form a strong loyal bond to yourself so you can parent your children in ways that will help them be healthy.

    anita

    #91090
    Natalina
    Participant

    Lately I’ve been struggling with intense low self esteem that has lead to depression, crippling anxiety, unhealthy habits and a lack of energy. I am very unconfident and awkward in social situations, my stomach is churning and my mind is racing right now just thinking about it. It’s as if I am afraid of people. I feel as though I never know what to say in conversations and that people think i am weird. I hate my appearance and every aspect about myself. Everyday i wake up and feel so lethargic and unmotivated. I know a lot about mediation, the law of attraction and have been reading Tiny Buddha’s self help posts and various self help books to assist in positivity. I am aware of what I need to do to change, but every time I put it into practice in my life I fail. I am bombarded with negative intrusive thoughts all day long, and try to correct distorted thinking with positive affirmations, and mediate every day. I hold onto every mistake from the past and am highly sensitive. I and have tried many different exercises and techniques to release them but its like I am trapped. Nothing seems to be effective. I just want to sleep all day, and at times I do not see a purpose for living. This is a major issue in my life that has destroyed friendships and even my relationship with my family. I am pushing everyone away due to my own insecurities.

    #91092
    jock
    Participant

    I hate my appearance and every aspect about myself

    There is the core of your problem. Self-esteem. Until you get good self-esteem, all those other issues will not be solved.
    Re appearance:
    None of us are model types on here to my knowledge. I might very well be the least attractive person . I think appearance is all about presentation. Make an effort. People appreciate effort. They can see you are trying to look presentable. Honestly, if I have to choose a friend I don’t value appearance anyway. If they have some self-confidence, I pay attention to what they say, not how thy look. Confidence and effort are more important than appearance. Energy and enthusiasm too.
    I think you should let your personality shine through so others can enjoy the real you!

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