Dear Lisa:

Interesting, there is another thread in progress right now about arranged marriages in India. There have been plenty on this website. You are a year into the marriage- of all the threads I read, this is the first where an unapproved marriage by parents took place. Congratulations!

The following are your questions and my answers.

“was this true cheating?”- I don’t think so. The pressure on the adult child by the parents, particularly in the traditional society of India, is very strong, intense. His compliance with them at one point is understandable.

“Was it not being able to stand up to his parents? Was it conflict avoidance?”- again, do not underestimate the parental/ social pressure in Indian society. He did very well standing up to them. The proof is in the marriage.

“What was going through his head that allowed him to go on arranged dates with a stranger while very much involved with me?”- he didn’t want to lose his parents’ approval. Since an early age, it was instilled in his brain that he is forever tied to his parents, that their wishes are his command. Again, this is the very first case I read about on this website (and there have been many) when a son/ daughter does go against their parents’ wishes and succeeds in changing their minds.

“How sick do you have to be to do that to 2 people?”- You mean, how sick of his parents? Well, this is what Indian parents do, having very strong, lifetime, socially accepted positions on social castes and marriages.

You wrote: “I feel like our iron clad transparent relationship now has a huge wrinkle in it.”- the wrinkle you are troubled by, I am impressed with. Reads to me that he worked very hard on getting their approval.

“And despite his parents support, I’m still always insecure that they will try to undermine me if something in our marriage doesn’t go well.”- Have they given you any reason to fear that, since your marriage?

anita

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome. I would call your husband marrying you regardless of his parents’ strong disapproval, an act of heroism, absolutely. This heroism supports having hope that he will continue to stand up to them. After all, he did and he succeeded already.

Pay attention, if you will, to the following: if and when you have children, it may seem to you that he is obeying his parents’ instructions regarding how to raise your children, but it may be his own beliefs that guide him, and they only happen to resemble his parents’, on this or that topic.

Talk with him, honestly, openly and gently about how to raise your future children and about any other topic. Compare thoughts, feelings, positions on this and that on an ongoing basis. Communicate and keep communicating. The more you communicate well, the stronger your bond.

You can talk about topics that are not relevant yet, for example the idea of his parents living with you. As long as a talk does not become aggressive, as long as the two of you keep aggression (arguing, fighting, insulting, blaming, accusing, etc.) out of the conversations, you are good. All topics are okay to be talked about.

anita