Amanda,

You have my sympathy for all the difficulties you’ve encountered. I am glad to know that you’ve decided to no longer be held back by any of it.

When it comes to identity, I will tell you what I’ve told other members who have posted similarly: explore, experience, experiment and discover. What we are exposed helps determine our identity. You are still tenderly young. Society may state that you are supposed to know what you are by now but take care in believing anything society says. Truly, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. With this said, you are supposed to find your path (and all of yourself) exactly when you are meant to.

Another thing I tell members: do not rush. Life is too important. And when something is important we take good care of it. A big mistake is to compare ourselves with others. A big mistake. Your journey and theirs are entirely different. Also, while possible that their lives may appear ‘positive’ on the outside, it may be quite the opposite on the inside; though not always true. The important thing is to focus on yourself and your (spiritual and mental) needs. How will you ever improve and develop if all you do is compare? 😉

As for the shift in your behavior depending on company, simply remain compassionate in the sense that these beings are just as you: imperfect and striving to also further develop themselves. It’s highly possible that they are struggling just as you. If you act and speak with care, you will find socializing to be easy.

I hope this helps.

Good luck,

Al

Amanda,

I empathize wholeheartedly with your situation. Being unsure of yourself is so difficult!!

A few years ago, if you would have asked me who I was, I would have responded, “Who do you need me to be?” I could be a caretaker, entertainment, a helper, a babysitter, a tutor–whatever someone else needed. The problem, as you’ve stated, is that tending to the needs of others becomes automatic when you have hidden your own needs from yourself, and often, it leaves you feeling empty and without a sense of who you are. As Al and Aeris said, it’s important to be aware of how you are feeling when you’re conforming to meet other people’s needs and expectations. Do you know what your needs are? It’s much more difficult to be kind to ourselves when we don’t know how to satisfy our own needs, and the way to identify them is through awareness of your feelings. For example, if you’re talking with someone and you start to feel anxious, restless, or unhappy, it could be because of some unmet need. Maybe they’ve gone on and on about their problems in life and haven’t even asked you how you’re doing. The unmet needs are compassion, recognition, and validation for your own feelings. If you are not receiving these things from others, you might consider doing metta meditation or something similar so that you are giving yourself the compassion that you need and you feel seen.

In time, self-compassion and self-acceptance become the roots that ground you. When you tend to your own needs, you don’t need as much from others and their behavior and personalities don’t affect you as much. This translates into becoming your own person because you can accept yourself without necessarily living up to the expectations of others. You don’t need their validation because you become your own best friend. Then you can always be the same because the only expectations you’re trying to meet are your own, not the ones imposed externally. That seems to be where a sense of self comes from. Those of us with difficult childhoods have to work extra hard to cultivate the self-compassion necessary to truly be able to find and accept ourselves, but it’s worth the journey.

These suggestions are abstract and probably frustrating, but finding yourself is not out of reach, don’t give up! I’ve done it and I know you can too.

Jo