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How do I know if this is a mistake?

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  • July 30, 2017 at 6:31 pm #161148
    Mimi
    Participant

    After not dating for many years, I finally took the plunge and met a man with whom I had immediate chemistry. We are overall very compatible and crazy about each other. He’s funny, smart, sexy and makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on.   The only major source of conflict is his chronic, intractable pain issues. The pain is constant, with intense spikes that leave him laid up for extended periods of time.  He also turns into a bit of a bear and withdraws from everything while he is trying to cope and he has been quite hurtful at times.  He has said many times that this isn’t the life he wants for me and he wants more for me.  We broke up over a week ago and I am hurting.  I can’t imagine not having him in my life.   I know we are both miserable. Being together is what we both want, but being together will also be the cause of a lot of pain.  I’m so sad. I feel like I have lost my friend.

    How do I know if we have made a mistake?

     

     

    July 31, 2017 at 4:21 am #161218
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mimi:

    The separation may have been a mistake if he is able to endure his unfortunate pain without mistreating you and if you are able to witness his pain without it being too much of a burden for you, that is, if you accept this unfortunate reality, his pain, and make your lives best possible.

    If a Win-Win relationship is possible between the two of you, then it may be desirable to reconnect.

    anita

    July 31, 2017 at 1:57 pm #161392
    Mimi
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for your thoughtful response. You have very accurately teased out the major considerations that I was having trouble articulating.  If I’m honest, I can’t see anything changing between us. Wanting and wishing that our situation were different doesn’t change things.

    August 1, 2017 at 12:14 pm #161599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mimi:

    You are welcome.

    “Wanting and wishing that (your) situation were different doesn’t change things”- I agree, of course. Communicating may change things, depending on the willingness, on both parties being motivated toward a mutual goal, willing and able to cooperate. Wanting-and-wishing are futile without such communication.

    anita

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