Hello,
I’ve recently discovered this site and it has already helped me in numerous ways.
I’ve suffered with depression since I was very young (due to high sensitivity and a lack of self esteem) being on and off anti depressants for most of my young life I decided a year or so after high school that medicine wasn’t for me. I half-heartily tried to get involved more in art, music, yoga, and started to meditate. I unfortunately lack any sort of confidence to stay consistent with anything in my life and like most things, stopped practicing these things and went back into my negative beliefs and depression.
I often find myself confused about my thoughts, my beliefs, and second guess and doubt myself often. I will feel confident about a thought or situation and then shoot it down the next day, I’ll try to get back into art and paint something and hate it right after. I get spurts of feeling spiritually in tune , confident with my thoughts, optimistic about the future and things I am capable of doing but it never lasts. Deep down I feel like I have great things in store and know who I am as a person. I look as my sensitivity as a gift and know that not everyone will understand that and its okay. I try to look at it as a spiritual awakening waiting to happen, that I will break free of the self doubt and see myself as the beautiful soul I so badly want to believe I am.
I am afraid to be myself around most people in fear that they will not understand, which most don’t. I look back at my childhood and remember always being picked on and called weird. I also look at my peers and see so much hate and a lack of empathy it makes me feel like an alien and it makes me want to start acting like everyone around me. I feel like I can never win. I just want to know how to be consistent once and for all and how to finally live the life I was born to whole heartily experience. Any advice would be so appreciated