Dear Sunflower25:

You didn’t ask regarding this, but I am curious, why was it necessary for you to separate from your boyfriend “in order to grow more”, why couldn’t the two of you grow in the context of the relationship.

You asked: “how do I survive living in a toxic environment where I know I will not be seen or heard (or validated)”?-

My answer: know that you already survived that environment all the years of your life and that you will survive the next few months as well. Your brain/ body naturally does all it can to survive, just like any other animal. Know that there is a price to pay for surviving a damaging environment: there is damage. And so pay attention to it, to the damage in order to respond to it, as it occurs.

Minimize your exposure to the people in the environment: more time outside the place, time inside when others are at work perhaps, or asleep, instead of time when they are all there. Headphones when inside so you don’t hear their voices. Minimize communication to the absolute minimum- do not try to be seen or heard or validated- see to it that you have no such hopes and expectations (such will hurt you).

If there is a support group you can attend, do so. And return to your thread here anytime and express your thoughts and feelings. I will be glad to reply to you anytime. I hope other members will as well.

anita

Hi Sunflower25,
Although you haven’t said how this is a damaging environment, I can empathise with you on this one.
My Mum is very insecure & potentially damaging to those around her, (bless her), and dealing with her has been difficult as I moved back home a year ago, due to a relationship breakdown. I’ll give you a little background to help you better understand…

On many occasions I have questioned why she wouldn’t change, & for a few months persuaded myself that I could change her behaviours, attitudes & beliefs. I failed miserably. I used to think “If only she would change”. I went to Counselling for the relationship breakdown, along with the issues faced with my Mum. My counsellor asked me how trying to change her was going, & every time I’d see my Counsellor I thought I was that little bit closer & would soon tell my Counsellor I’d succeeded in changing her, I was very wrong. Everytime I would highlight my Mums behaviour to my Mum (I had lots of different ways of doing it) I was met by a very angry, disapproving person & I soon realised I couldn’t change her. My Counsellor made me see that I can only change myself & my reactions/triggers to my Mum. I used to think “but why should I have to change MYSELF, when she doesn’t want to change herself, or see the problem???” Yes that’s a valid point, however, I was suffering from this, nobody else, my Mum was oblivious to here behaviour towards me, so the only thing I could do was change myself & the ways in which I received/dealt with things.
It was & still is a difficult road but I’ve found that I take myself out of situations as much as I can, I’ll come in have dinner, shower & go straight to my room. In the morning I’ll wash, make a drink, get ready & go. I stay at my boyfriends at the weekend & unfortunately, I keep contact with her to a minimum. I’ve found she was a trigger for me, & that I needed to control that trigger. Sometimes she would say things that I don’t find constructive or nice, but instead of answering with a trigger so “go away, why are you so horrible” I found a technique by Marissa Peer which I’ve pasted at the bottom, along with an article found on here about what I’m explaining.
Sometimes, it can be our triggers to things that “cause the problem”, obviously if someone is quite obviously abusing you, mentally or physically, the only option you have is completely removing yourself from the situation.
I will also add, something has usually happened to these people to make them this way, for example my Mum lost her Mum & Dad with a year between then around 6 years ago, therefore I believe this has effected her in this way, so I try to look at my Mum with empathy, as opposed to her being a horrible monster – this helps me because I feel sorry for her as opposed to angry at her.
Sometimes, looking at the positives as well can help, they’ve been grateful enough to let you back in their home when things have not gone to plan for you, they may not be able to mentally support you, but they have done physically.

Focus on Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Someone Else

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Poppyxo.